Unsent messages to KAI

ik u probably think i deleted the playlist i made for u, but i actually privated it. i listen to it every once and awhile just to feel what i once felt.

I fucking hate your guts, but you wanted a relationship more serious than i could give you and you made me feel bad that when i broke it off. You’re the worst. I wish i never wasted all that time with you and i wish i never cried over you. You took my best friend and left me me to feel shit. I know we’re still friends but i lost all trust in you on that day and you’ll never get it back.

I still love you, and I don’t know if you still love me but I still get butterflies every time we speak or every time your name pops up on my screen

You may not have been there for me but you were the only one who cared, I was careless. I'm sorry that I hurt you

Why did you stop talking to me after I told you I loved you? We were friends for years first. Did that mean nothing?

the anxiety i get around you still hasn’t stopped and i’m scared it’ll never stop bcus idk how much longer i can take because even if my heart feels at home with you the rest doesn’t

As much as we joke and kid, I really do care about you. You have grown to be such an important person in my life in such a short amount of time. I think I really do have feelings for you. If you see this and you get the feeling it's for you, it just might be.

I think about you every night. You really meant the world to me, I wish you still felt the same about me.

you were literally my very first love. that was so painful and such a hard time for me because it was just a one sided thing.. but now i’m all good... i hope you’re doing good as well... live your life as much as u can...
xoxo

thank you for making me smile the hardest. u were the reason why i would always randomly smile in class

How could you not fall in love with me when i tried so hard...i still cry because you cheated and i ll never feel good enough

i really felt different about you. you made me laugh 24/7 and then one day you left and now you’re making her laugh and she looks at you the way i dreamt about one day looking at you.

Stop saying I hurt you and stop acting like I’m the not loyal when you tried to make me jealous in every way possible

Stop saying I hurt you and stop acting like I’m the not loyal when you tried to make me jealous in every way possible

I don’t think you ever realized how much you really broke me. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough. I do wish you the best always and I hope you’re happy!

kai, i want you to know that no one in this world will ever love you the way i do. you’re my everything, my world, and i wish we could be together more than anything. i’ll forever put you above everyone else on this planet because you showed me what real love is like. i’ve had crushes before, i’ve thought guys were cute, but i’ve never felt more in love with anyone before i met you. it’s a type of love that’s not just romantic. i’m not just in it for the hook ups or sexual encounters. you’re also my best friend who i feel i can be my complete and true self around. something that i find so hard to do. i don’t think i’ll ever lose feelings for you. no matter how much time passes or how many people we get with in the process, i can’t see myself ever falling out of love with you. the past 4 months have truly been the best months of my life. it makes me so sad to think about the last time we kissed a week ago. i had no idea it was going to be the last one forever. if i would have known it was going to be the last time i would ever be standing at your feet while expressing my love, i would have kissed u for a little longer, hugged u a little tighter, and reminded you of how much you will forever mean to me. i wish i could do all those things now but unfortunately it’s not my place anymore. you provided me so much happiness. you were the sole reason i was able to get up every morning with a smile. the sole reason i could get through the week. because i knew at the end of each long and stressful day that i could fall asleep in your arms. i wish i could go back and relive those moments one more time. just one more time. feel those feelings and feel that love even if it’s just for a second. i hope that some nights you also reflect on those moments that we shared together. the moments of lying in my bed with my red lights on, fresh lotion on my legs, a hoodie and small shorts, my laptop propped up to the side with a movie that was never finished, suddenly gives me the worst pain imaginable. because there’s one thing missing from this once perfect situation. it’s you. i feel lost without you and i wish more than anything that i could spend the rest of my life with you. regardless if you can even say the same anymore, i love you. in another life i know for a fact that we end up together, so in this one i guess i’ll just miss you. a part of me wants to believe there’s still hope for us. a part of me wants to believe that this isn’t the end. if it’s true love it will come back to me. it will come back to us and ensure me that i wasn’t dumb for holding on. i’ll always be here if you want to try again, because even though you’ve hurt my heart by ending things, i will never forget that you’re the reason it’s still beating today. i love you kai. my love. my bae. my baby. my best friend. my soulmate. please don’t forget me.

i hate u. u ruined so much for me & i missed so many oppurtunities. but as much as i hate u, i miss you. u chose her over me, and every day i ask myself why. im scared no ones gonna love me as much as u did. then i think it over again and realize u didnt ever even love me. and i realize, its gonna be okay.

today marks 2 years since my assault. i just want to feel safe again in your arms.
i miss you.
i love you.
forever yours.

I never thought I’d say this but I’ve finally fallen in love again and I’m so happy it’s not with you.

i proceeded to love you while i didn’t love myself. i hurt you in ways i thought weren’t possible. i love you. i’m sorry.

bro i miss you so much. you were my person. after everything u did to me and put me thru i’ll love you forever meatball. i wish things were cool between us now. i hope ur ok and happy

i know i loved u more than u ever loved me. i never expressed it because idk how to i never had any way to know what love is like in real life my only form of seeing people "love" eachother was in films and fanfiction as stupid as it seems. i wish i could've figured it out. what i would do just to tell u that i loved u i really did even tho it didn't seem like it and i claimed i didn't multiple times i did. ofc i loved u, but i just always thought and still think that i am too young and that i don't know what love is so that's why i always told u we could date when we were older. ig i didn't and still don't believe that people are age can love someone else how i think i love u. it always makes me doubt myself but tbh if i imagine us older and imagine all the things that have happened and all the things i have felt i would see it as love. maybe deep down i don't want to feel like this and i don't want someone to have this power over me so that's why i come up with these excuses. maybe i am too young to love u, but hell maybe i am not i'd come out for u not to my family because they would just full on disown my but i would come out completely at school (i kinda am but not really completely) i would hold ur hand again at school because when we did it was only a few times and ik we wouldn't run into someone i wouldn't want seeing plus we only did it between periods while walking to class together. if we could be together again i would be around u all the time i would cling to u more because another reason why i feel like we didn't work out is because ik i made u feel like i didn't care and that what we had didn't mean anything to me. if we got the chance to be together in anyway i promise u i would let u know how i feel i promise i would let u know that i don't want to be friends who sometimes act like they aren't just friends and that i want to be in a relationship with u and actual relationship and not some 1 day or summer fling, but an actual relationship. if u guys broke up i would jump at the opportunity and find some way for us to reconnect again i promise. the thing is i won't ever tell u this as long as u are with her no matter how strongly i feel for u and how many realizations i come to about how i feel about u i would never ever ever ever ruin ur relationship because she's probably better for u than me, but deep down i think i am better for u. i would and have multiple times stand up for u for us anytime and to anyone and ik she couldn't do that she's too nice. i don't understand how u could have "loved" me yet u love her. i am pretty bitchy and she is so sweet i can't even hate her she has been nothing but nice to me. last thing i want to say is does she know? did u ever tell her about us? ik u and her were best bestfriends long before i even came along and that i just came along and maybe ruined ur guys' blossoming soon to be relationship. i wish we didn't have to be a secret when we were together, but that's what made it special the fact no one knew so no one could comment on us. now my friends know and have given their opinions do ur friends know?

sometimes i wish u guys would just break up. i try to convince myself that u guys won't last and u and i will reconnect in anyway soon. deep down i have this gut wrenching feeling that u guys will last even tho we are all still young. who knows what will happen all of the shit i submit on here is just stuff i am too scared to say to u well not scared i just can't i don't want u to see me like this ig i want u to think that idc but deep down i think i have always cared more about u and "us" more than u did.

i have forgotten how it feels to hug u. i have forgotten how it feels to hold ur hand. i have forgotten ur scent. i have forgotten how it feels to talk to u. i have forgotten ur likes and dislikes. i have forgotten how i felt when i looked at u whether u knew i was looking or not. my head use to have a reserved spot for u filled with everything there is to know about u and all those memories that use to mean so much to me. i want them back i want the feelings everything and anything good or bad i just want to know u again. i just want the fog to clear for now i'll just sit and complain and try to uncover all the things that are now foggy.

u ruined my favorite songs. i made u a playlist with songs i love and songs that remind me of u and now anytime i hear any of those songs they make me think of u. u ruined it all and now u dedicate those songs to her. i used those songs to express how i felt for u and now u use them for her.

sometimes i think we are meant to be and that this is just another one of our "breaks" and that we will reconnect and be as close as ever like we always do, but deep down something is telling me this is it. it's not helping that we have to do online school so there is not even a chance of interacting with u. i just have hope for us and something in me just always leads back to u idk what it is. i hope we reconnect soon cause i promise you this time i will not be letting you go. i have so much more to say.

this purple doesn't do you justice, I associate so much with you but the most vibrant purple in the world couldn't tell you how much I love you, you are always there for me and you are definitely the best person I know, you literally glow sometimes and I wish that you also saw yourself like see you, you are perfect

I really thought we could be something but I realised you just saw me as a friend, I will try my best

Fuck you. Fuck you for all the fucking damage you caused me. if i could take it all back in a second I would. i fucking hate you so much. You’re not the only reason i want to fucking kill myself but you’re definitely a pretty large part of it. You took advantage of me and i fucking hate you for it.

i loved you unconditionally with no limits, i gave everything and more to you and you still cheated. wat could she give that i couldnt?

You stress me out and yet i still want you. Treat me better because all I am is nice to u and all my friends see is u caring.

You make me smile by just saying something. You taught me how to actually laugh and stop worrying about life. You actually cared about me and made sure I was ok, but I know that I’m not meant for you. Maya is really pretty,smart and an educated person. You should shoot your shot with her. I know your probably wondering how I know who maya is but don’t worry about it. Just know that you will always have a special place in my heart for always being there for me,even when I hadn’t realised that I needed someone

i miss you so much,im not sure what i did wrong and why you had to do that to me but i hope you still thinking about me sometimes because you are all that i think about :(