i don't know if you'll ever come on here and see this, but i know you think you get in the way of my progress but you don't. i miss the random pictures you would send me and asking me if i'm free or if i wanted to do something fun with you. i never said i didn't need you, because i do. i really do need you and it sucks that i need you more than ever but i can't do that to you because i've already hurt you more than enough. i want to believe that you still love me and that you still miss me but i can't because im scared that im just going to end up hurting you again. i ruined relationships for you and i don't want to ruin things for you anymore.
i don't want to hurt you anymore so i'll stay out of your way. i'm too scared to reach out and be friends again. i don't want you to think that im back to make things worse for you. im sorry. i miss you... i really do.
i know you probably lost feelings but im still really in love with you and it's hard for me to let you go because you saved me and you became a huge part of my life. you're my first love, my first kiss and my first everything. i just want to believe that i'm special to you too. im scared that you'll forget about me and the memories we've made. i'm so scared.

i feel so hopeless writing to you on here. i keep thinking that maybe you'll read everything i've written and will write in the future. it's okay if you forget too. i wouldn't blame you if you moved on. after all, you learn from the past to avoid those who have hurt you.

i'm too scared to reach out to you. i hope one day you can make the first move, so i know that you're okay with me coming back to you.

i'm still amazed that you stopped yourself from saying "i love you." i can't do that cause my love for you is still growing. i'm sorry

hey!! i didnt do much today except cry in the morning, drink coffee and have a lil dance party hehe. alot of them were about moving on and being happy with myself, which i am but my feelings won't be going away. i miss you. i wish i could hold you again. will you realize that i'm happy when you see me in the future? will you consider reaching out for me and reconnecting? i'm scared that you won't. we promised each other we wouldn't lose one another. i hope we don't break it.

you remember the little orangish yellow sticky note with "i love you" written on it? do you still carry it around with you? i feel like it might've been the first time i told you i loved you.

i saw you unfollowed my personal and removed me from your followers. i'm sorry i made you uncomfortable.
i was thinking about trying on makeup and posting on my personal. i know you would've been hyping me up in my dms. i should've believed you when you told me i was pretty. i'm glad i can see it now. thank you. maybe one of these days ill post :P i hope u see it hehe

oh yeah, i forgot to mention, did you see the new league champ? i heard they were a support. i just watched a video on it. they look cool. ornn got a skin too. it's kind of funny especially since people complained about riot making all these cute skins for egirl champs and not making them for the ogs. idk, i hope u saw it tho!!!! i feel like you would like him. he kind of reminds me of hecarim and leona. his q kinda looks like senna's tho, so im not sure. he's cool tho!!
i had a dream last night that you were talking to a girl. i woke up really sad and cried, but then i stopped because you seemed so happy. whether it's true or not, i'm just happy that you're happy. i'm keeping my promises about not leaving you and waiting around for you. i don't hate you or want you to stay out of my way. i want to see you succeed and be happy with the girl of your dreams.
this is a goodnight!! i love you hehe.

there are times where i look back at the memories and the time we spent together. i try to ignore the bad aspects but i think the best moments were when we bounced back from a fight, spending the day talking about random things and ending it by playing video games together and calling for hours. you were my first love, basically my first everything, but i wasn't ready for you. you were the right person who came at the wrong time. i want to believe that maybe one day we'll have a chance to be together again, but all i can do now is hope that we can still stay close like we were for the past 8 years. i miss you, but i have to heal. i love you :)

you would always light up the room whenever you walked in. seeing you made me happy. i remember the time you gave me a birthday present two weeks before my birthday. although they were a handful of things, my favorite was the little music box that had "you are my sunshine" carved inside. i play it whenever i get anxious or miss you. and the rose that you got me that came along with the little package? sometimes i place it by the window so the sun can reflect off of it. i still sleep with the stuffies you got for me too. i pretend that you have the ability to make sure im protected when im asleep.

i miss seeing your name pop up on my phone, asking if i slept okay or if i wanted to play a game. you always sent me pictures of your cats, selfies or of your feet. it sounds weird to other people but for some reason i thought it was cute and funny. it makes me happy knowing that you were awkwardly comfortable showing me your toes on the daily. i miss the inappropriate jokes we would make, the i love you's, the good morning's, the "goodnight sweet dreams i love you." i miss our conversations. you were and will forever be my person, even if im not yours :'))) i've said this to you before, but you really taught me how to love and how i deserved to be loved. you treated me better than anyone and always tried to put me first. i understand life got in the way and eventually we would need to go our separate ways to come back stronger than ever, but if your feelings fade, then that's okay :)) it'll hurt me to see you happy with someone else, but i've always wanted the best for you, even if it isn't me. i'll always be happy for you and i'll support you no matter what. you're extremely special to me. i love you.

you know how i dyed my hair two days ago? i think you would know since i said i needed a break to find myself before staying as your friend, but i look back and think about how you said "i just make everything worse, i told you." and to be honest, sometimes you do say things that i took out of context or were insensitive or just had a passive aggressive tone to it, but you never make anything worse. your approach was off all the time and i just assumed you didn't want me around anymore. i noticed things were off about 2-3 months ago when all we mostly did was fight because of my overthinking. a week or two before we broke up, i accepted who i was and believed that i needed to be better for the both of us, but i didn't realize that you had gotten tired. i don't blame you. most of it was my fault and i'm aware of that. i know you probably don't care but when i dyed my hair, i felt good about myself and still do. i feel confident and i'm happy to be who i am. i also realized that i'm not alone. i didn't have to depend on you like that. we hurt each other because i wasn't healed and you just weren't ready to love someone. we both needed to focus on each other and that's okay :DD we both have our flaws, and i'm glad we went our separate ways for a little while. i can't wait to see you again and tell you about how i wrote about you on here :pp you'll probably read them, or not. or maybe you'll make fun of me. but this is me pretending that i'm talking to you on the daily and telling you about things i'm proud of and hopefully you'll see some change too :'))) i really miss you. i love you!!! i'll talk later hehe

i keep coming back to ramble about memories and my progress. i guess for some reason i believe that one day out of curiousity you'll come on here and type out your username lmao. i'm not gonna lie writing about all of this is comforting me and helping me cherish the memories we've made together. i don't want to get sad thinking about what we could've been or what we should've done. i want to be happy for what we were and the little things you did that made me happy. about three hours ago i texted you and asked if you still loved me. i want to believe that the answer is yes but i know you'll say no. there was probably a moment where one day you didn't feel anything for me but then the next you were just really excited to see me and look forward to talking to me. i find that really comforting. i hope you're excited to talk to me again when i'm okay. losing you would be like losing a huge part of me. you've saved me and loved me when no one else could and that makes me happy. i'm glad i stuck around. now i'm fighting to live so i can see you again.
anyways: i don't think you remember but i still think about the time we helped your sister move her stuff out since her room was being remodeled. i accidentally threw a brush at your private parts because you were making fun of me. it was supposed to hit your stomach but you moved. i still feel sorry about that, even though it is a little funny. i think it was like two years ago? i'm not sure but it's a pretty memorable time. and the time we ran down a rocky hill to see some deer and i stabbed my foot and you just kept going. there are times where i wish i could go back but!!! cherish and move forward. i don't remember when you started calling me sunshine, but the fact that you told me that i made you happy makes me sad now, because i hurt you with my insecurities and constantly overthinking. i distanced myself and i guess that gave you a reason to fall out of love. i'm okay with that :DDDD i guess me asking for a small break possibly destroyed you and i'm sorry. i hope one day we can come back to each other, romantically or not.

i previously mentioned how i texted you earlier today asking if you still loved me and you replied with something along the lines of "you won't believe me" or "you'll just say that im leading you on." it made me cry knowing that you got so used to the old me thinking that. i always doubted your feelings and it sucks and i hate myself for it but im so deeply in love with you to the point where im writing you letters about how much i miss and love you and how i wanna tell you about the things i've done. you tell me i have better people to talk to but in reality i don't. i'm pretending to be okay. i'm pretending im not struggling or suffering from this because i really am. i dont care if we date again or stay as friends, i just want to come back to you as a better, healed version of myself. i dont want us to hurt again and i don't want to hurt you anymore but i keep doing that and it sucks. i'm suffering without you around. i dont have anyone else i just had you but i fucked up. i'm so sorry for hurting you. i'm just pretending to be okay at this point. i'm so sorry.

i remember when you made mac and cheese for i think? it was new years. i was gonna ask if you could do it for thanksgiving but, unfortunately i asked for that break. it'd be kinda funny if you just magically made it with me in mind. i don't know. it was really good though, seeing your face light up when i enjoyed it made me happy. your desserts were never the best but the main dishes and stuff were.
i keep thinking of the time we were so in love and we promised each other that we would get married, move in together and be happy. for some reason that promise is keeping me going. it gives me hope whenever i think about it. you know i obviously keep my promises. i hope you do too :DDD
just realized that i've written like six of these uh. haha :// i miss u. i'll ramble more later

i miss staring at you, your hugs, the cuddles, the kisses you would give me. i miss our little cute moments and the little play fights we would have. i miss eating with you, talking to you, and watching you smile. i miss tracing an imaginary triangle on your cheek. i miss your bear hugs and the smell of your cologne. i miss being safe in your arms. i miss watching you get excited over keyboards, pcs, games, and soccer. i miss your company. i want to be able to hug you again. i miss you.

do you still love me? do you still think of me when you get lonely? do you see videos and pictures that remind you of me? of us? do you look at my photos when you get lonely? do you still care? are you okay? how was your day? how's orange juice? how are your knees? did you get to go to the gym today? did your back stop hurting? are you taking care of yourself? did you drink water and have a meal or two? did you exercise and feel good afterwards? did you have a good day? can i tell you that i love you?

there's this song that reminds me of the old me. it's called unlucky by lunar vacation. it has this upbeat rhythm but it's a sad song. it cheers me up a little. i even dance to it lmao. i barely have my dance parties because of the extra hour in our day so i get embarrassed dancing in front of my window. i've been standing up straight too!! i feel confident in myself.

i spent the last hour and a half dancing to sad but upbeat songs. i never got the chance to have a lil dance party with you. i hope one day i can. i had the energy to finally take care of myself. i exercised too. you know about my body goals and i'm finally confident enough to achieve them!! i also wore a tight long sleeve today. I was confident to wear that and look in the mirror hehe. now i believe you!! from when you would compliment me and say i was pretty and had a nice body, that i didn't need to change anything.
i know you went to go play soccer today, i hope you were safe and had lots of fun. i know you probably didn't want me to go, or maybe you did, but atleast you had *** right? i defended you today when someone said that playing a sport that you suck at was a waste of time, especially when you aren't showing any growth. it made me mad and i said that everyone starts somewhere. i know how happy and hard working you've become because of weightlifting and soccer. i'm so proud of you. i love you :DD

you're my first love. you have and always will hold a special place in my heart. i love you, even if you can't return those feelings anymore. i hope i can always be your little sunshine.

i'm listening to love songs that remind me of you. they're making me tear up, not because i'm sad, but because i can't wait to heal and be with you again. i can't wait to tell you about the amazing things i've accomplished. i can't wait to melt in your arms the moment i fully healed. i can't wait to show you how confident i've grown. do you think you'll be proud of me? i think you will. after all, this is what was best for the both of us. i miss you. we would've been playing league or minecraft or calling right now. you would've joked around with me and we would've laughed. i would've heard you yell at orange juice or the other cats for getting all over your desk. just a few months until we go back to that, my love. i miss you. i'll always wait for you to come back to me, even if we don't date. i'm sorry for leaving you all alone for my selfish reasons. i'll make it up to you. i love you.

just noticed i came back more than 15 times just to leave an entry so i'll try to come back three times everyday to say something :)) i really want you to read these for some reason. or some of them.