Unsent messages to ISAAC

I'll never know if you ever loved me or if I was being used. but when you looked into my eyes man. I was yours

i love every moment with you,it hurts that you never understood how much i fought for you,you decidedto leave me for someone who did not feel even half of what i felt,i thought i would forget it but my love for you is another level. i wish him well...with love panda

i love every moment with you,it hurts that you never understood how much i fought for you,you decidedto leave me for someone who did not feel even half of what i felt,i thought i would forget it but my love for you is another level. i wish him well...with love panda

You were the first boy I trusted after getting assaulted by my uncle. If you had told me that you didn’t have feelings for me I would’ve been fine but instead you said that you wanted to get rid of the feelings that you had for me and that hurt. Yet you will always hold a special place in my heart

It doesn’t matter how many obsstacles life has put us trough, I’ll always be by your side. I love you

To use my body as ammunition was not what I expected from someone who once praised it so much. Fuck you.

I think ur the first one to actually be good for me, I don't know yet but I'm excited to find out. can't wait until then

itsfunnytmehow youcaredso much and took interest in things and suddenly stopped bc u suddenly sawmeas a friend

how sad it is that i write these to you and you will most likely never see them. still, i am used to your silence. How is it that i still replay situations between us that happened so many years ago. I still wonder the reason why you didn't want to be with me. I still don't know if part of you loved me but the idea that you did keeps me going. I would cry if i saw your face again. I want to hug you and never let go. Did you not know how madly in love with you i was? why did you lead me on and ghost me and act like i never existed to you? was i just another person to you? this is what i ask myself all the time. My mind wanders to you constantly. You are so beautiful on the inside and out. i love how authentic you are. Please find your way back to me. If not i will look for you when we die. I know our spirits were meant to interact and i just cant tell why yet.

I know we’re only in the talking stage, but you’ve shown me more love than any of my ex’s ever did so thank you bebes.

will always have a place in my heart on the other side of the world. maybe one day we can talk again. the first boy i liked. yes i had feeings for you after like a week HAHA. you made me the happiest i had ever been in a long time. t

I see the way you look at me, but I know that we are too scared to say that we are in love with each other due to peer pressure . xxx

one day you’ll realise that i was always there for you no matter what you did, and you still chose someone else.

I know you will hate me now but you will always be the final name I say... I loved you, but not in that way.

I’m trying to let you go, but the things I did for you haunt me. Why did you take advantage of me, I was so young.

I wish that the timing was better, we were too young for it to ever work because neither of us knew who we were.

this is the last message i plan on writing for you. ever. i understand my words were harsh, but i knew that if i wasn’t blunt you wouldn’t understand the sincerity of them. i loved you, i truly did. but the night you told me that i was pretty much just the girl you came back to because you knew you could, i felt that love disappear in an instant. i guess i finally reached my limit, i finally realized that what we had wasn’t love. it never was. love is patient and kind. not fueled by animosity and pettiness. and when i say this, i mean it. i hope you find the girl you want oh so badly. i do. because while you’re chasing her, i’m gonna figure out my life. i never told you, but for the last 3 months i’ve planned on moving to montreal once i graduate. i wanted to attend McGill and major in forensic anthropology. i knew i could never tell you that though. because you have to stay here. in the states. and that’s okay. i hope that you find your way out, find a girl you actually can value and learn to love, and i hope i never hear from you again. i learned that you’re only sorry when something is heavy on your conscience. but you were never sorry for all of the times you actually hurt me. i’m finally getting the emotional support i need, i’m catching up on school, and i’ve already started saving up for my tuition. i finally get to leave. i get to leave you in the states, and be the person i’ve always wanted to be. you were my first boyfriend, and i don’t regret that. but i do regret how long i stayed around just to be beaten down. i finally realized my worth. i am worth so much more than being called “easy”, a “whore” and a “liar”. but it’s in the past. and so are you. and i hope i never have to speak to you again, hear your voice again, or listen to your sad attempts of belittling me any longer. i looked up to you for such a long time, but i now realize you’re just...miserable, and i couldn’t help you. i was never able to help you. but like i said, from this point forward i get to experience the great perhaps that is MY life. i’m not gonna wait for you anymore. i’m gonna live the life i’ve been missing out on. i’ll find TRUE love. go to my first real party, kiss someone in the rain, graduate, go to valas with new friends. and i’ll leave you here. in the back of my memory. and in the catacombs of this website. i once loved you, i did. but now, i don’t even know if i’m capable of even remotely caring for the memory of you. you simply just existed in my life at one point. but, i think it’s time i put my phone down now. i might go read my favorite book, reorganize my room again, do anything to remind myself that i control my life. not you. i’m finally free to live my life the way i’ve always wanted to. without feeling guilty or worrying about what you would think. because i now know you would never do the same for me. you’re just...not the right person for me. you were simply a learning experience. and that’s all you’ll ever be. i hope you don’t read this. ever. and if you do. well...goodbye isaac.

I know we said to stay as friends so we'd keep our friendship. But i kinda want something more than that. But u probably don't see me that way...

hey, I know we’re not close anymore, but I still love you so much. It sucks, and I want my best friend back. I tried to distance myself from you because I knew I couldn’t deny my feelings anymore. And I thought I’d gotten over you. But I guess I didn’t, because when I finally started having normal conversations with you again because I realized how much I needed you in my life, it all came flooding back to me. The cold nights we’d sit outside talking about everything and anything, the late night texts about tv shows, me hopelessly pining over you. And I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore, I want you back in my life, but I’m nervous, nervous about what you’d say, what other people would say, how I’d feel. But in the end, I just want to say I love you and I just want my best friend back. I miss you so much.

I don't know why I am doing this. To be honest, I feel kind of silly. But, I have been writing to you in my notes ever since you left, and I think deep down I want you to see this. But, you won't. I loved you, Isaac. Shit, sometimes I think I still love you. And I don't know why. What we had was unmatched. Sure, there was some toxicity, but we were so passionate and so consumed with one another. Well, that's what I thought at least. Until we were laying in your bed and I asked what was wrong and you left me. You said so many things that absolutely broke me. And when you tried to come back, there was nothing I wanted more than you. I couldn't though, not after what you said. And then you said so many terrible, untrue things about me. I promise I never cheated on you. I never even looked at any other guys. Ever. I didn't want to. You made me so fucking happy and everybody tells me I'm just romanticizing you, but I don't know. I can't be with anybody else, still. I try and I try and something is holding me back. My friends say I'm silly and you were just toxic. But, if I'm being honest, I still think of you everyday. I still think of you every time my head hits the pillow. I pray for you and your entire family. Every. Single. Night. And I always wonder if you think about me, or if you regret what you did. You were so angry toward me. My parents always told me there's a thin line between love and hate so I held on hope that was what was happening. But, I think you always forgot the fact that YOU left ME. I just know I never would have left. I wish I got some kind of closure, because the way we ended drives me fucking crazy. It never made sense to me; it felt so sudden. I just wish I could tell you that I did put 110% of me into you. I promise you that. I just wanted you to feel happy and loved. I have so much love in my heart and there was nothing I wanted more than to give it all to you. My heart still drops every time I see you. I pick up every random phone call with the idiotic hope it is you calling. I still have your letter, I used to carry it in my wallet every day. My friends yelled at me for it, though. I don't know what is wrong with me lol. Regardless of how bad you broke me, I still love you. And I am so fucking proud of you and happy for you. And you should be proud of yourself. You are so intelligent and you have such a bright fucking future. I hate you for what you did to me, but I love you so so so so much. I really do hope you are happy.

My world without you is shattered. I hope we will meet again my love. But for now, I love you forever and always.

It would be sad to see with someone else. I think if I lived closer it would be different. But I’m glad you got over me. Now it’s my turn.

I would stay sober for you. But since you left I had to find something that made me feel again. You’re my drug. Come back home.

i sacrificed everything for you. and you repaid me by believing rumors that weren’t true. but became true after you broke me. it’s taken a long long time to fix the damage that you caused. but now that im better i’m afraid to love again. what you did to me was unfair not just to me but to all the other boys that i could’ve loved after you. it’s like as if your on a team. when one person fucks up the whole team suffers. and in this case you fucked up and now all boys that are want to actually be with me and love me have to suffer.

And even though you broke me into a million pieces, i still wouldn’t take back the sacrifices i made for you because you were indeed my first ever love. you were the one who taught me how to love and what love even was and i wouldn’t trade that for the nothing because you made me into the person i am today and i actually kind of dig her. so i guess what i’m trying to say is..... Thank You.

hey. remember the promises? remember our plans? you really hurt me isaac. i cant explain how much. but that doesnt mean i dont care abt u. would it have been so hard for you to care abt me? at least once? damn.

I’m sorry for not treating you right. But we weren’t meant to be. Things don’t always work out as you want it to

i miss you. i don’t know how i messed up but i’m sorry :( i’m sorry i wasn’t good enough and i hope you’re doing good.

Why'd you have to leave like that. You were the only person I had. You're the love of my miserable life.

i love you honey. all ive ever wanted for you as long as i can remember is for you to be happy. i wanted to give you my all but that wasn’t enougi

I have loved you forever and I don’t think I will ever stop. No matter what I am always thinking of you. We’re in this forever no matter who we meet or what we do. It will always be us. I love you.

im sorry i couldnt be what you wanted, but i never thought you would go about it the way you did. i still miss you.

I was so good to you. Treated you so well. And you were an asshole and just treated me like another one of your bitches. You didn't care about me.

it’ll always be you, no matter what.
There’s no way we could ever be together though and it breaks my heart.
To the girl who ends up with him, treat him with so much respect, he deserves the world.

i love you..i really do..but not like how i used to. i’ve just gotten so used to the broken promises and hearing you say you love me then tell me you need to focus on yourself that i just don’t really care anymore..i care about you..but not your affection, not your words, not your kisses...you could never love me the way i loved you. i just think it’s time i realize that you cant change. i’ve waited since February for you to change. to show me you care..but you just...can’t. i think it’s time i go. my love for you is unconditional. but i think it’s time i unconditionally love the memory of you..

It’s almost like you’re still here. I still smell you on my pillow, feel your hand on my cheek, and still remember what it was like when we were in love

maybe you hate me and that’s fine if you do, I deserve it. You deserve all the love in the world and I hope some day you find someone better. You are the sweetest boy I’ve ever met, I hope the one for you gives you all the kisses on your cheek and holds your hand whenever you’re sad. I hope she loves you more than anyone on this planet and that she treats you better than I did. I’m sorry for hurting you. I know you’ve moved on but I’ll always love you, even though you don’t love me. Goodbye my love, maybe in another life.
- your little bean burrito

i love you, i dont ever want to lose you. i know things are tough rn but i love you so much and i miss you so much.

i would hate you if i could. it would make this a lot easier. how could you hurt me so many times? you broke me but i would still drop anything for you if you needed me

I hope you know I still care so much and that I want you to keep fighting. I'm sorry I can't help you anymore, but I want you to know I still care.

I’m sorry that I hurt you. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Maybe one day we’ll be together again.