Unsent Messages

I don't know why I am doing this. To be honest, I feel kind of silly. But, I have been writing to you in my notes ever since you left, and I think deep down I want you to see this. But, you won't. I loved you, Isaac. Shit, sometimes I think I still love you. And I don't know why. What we had was unmatched. Sure, there was some toxicity, but we were so passionate and so consumed with one another. Well, that's what I thought at least. Until we were laying in your bed and I asked what was wrong and you left me. You said so many things that absolutely broke me. And when you tried to come back, there was nothing I wanted more than you. I couldn't though, not after what you said. And then you said so many terrible, untrue things about me. I promise I never cheated on you. I never even looked at any other guys. Ever. I didn't want to. You made me so fucking happy and everybody tells me I'm just romanticizing you, but I don't know. I can't be with anybody else, still. I try and I try and something is holding me back. My friends say I'm silly and you were just toxic. But, if I'm being honest, I still think of you everyday. I still think of you every time my head hits the pillow. I pray for you and your entire family. Every. Single. Night. And I always wonder if you think about me, or if you regret what you did. You were so angry toward me. My parents always told me there's a thin line between love and hate so I held on hope that was what was happening. But, I think you always forgot the fact that YOU left ME. I just know I never would have left. I wish I got some kind of closure, because the way we ended drives me fucking crazy. It never made sense to me; it felt so sudden. I just wish I could tell you that I did put 110% of me into you. I promise you that. I just wanted you to feel happy and loved. I have so much love in my heart and there was nothing I wanted more than to give it all to you. My heart still drops every time I see you. I pick up every random phone call with the idiotic hope it is you calling. I still have your letter, I used to carry it in my wallet every day. My friends yelled at me for it, though. I don't know what is wrong with me lol. Regardless of how bad you broke me, I still love you. And I am so fucking proud of you and happy for you. And you should be proud of yourself. You are so intelligent and you have such a bright fucking future. I hate you for what you did to me, but I love you so so so so much. I really do hope you are happy.