Unsent Messages

i know i loved u more than u ever loved me. i never expressed it because idk how to i never had any way to know what love is like in real life my only form of seeing people "love" eachother was in films and fanfiction as stupid as it seems. i wish i could've figured it out. what i would do just to tell u that i loved u i really did even tho it didn't seem like it and i claimed i didn't multiple times i did. ofc i loved u, but i just always thought and still think that i am too young and that i don't know what love is so that's why i always told u we could date when we were older. ig i didn't and still don't believe that people are age can love someone else how i think i love u. it always makes me doubt myself but tbh if i imagine us older and imagine all the things that have happened and all the things i have felt i would see it as love. maybe deep down i don't want to feel like this and i don't want someone to have this power over me so that's why i come up with these excuses. maybe i am too young to love u, but hell maybe i am not i'd come out for u not to my family because they would just full on disown my but i would come out completely at school (i kinda am but not really completely) i would hold ur hand again at school because when we did it was only a few times and ik we wouldn't run into someone i wouldn't want seeing plus we only did it between periods while walking to class together. if we could be together again i would be around u all the time i would cling to u more because another reason why i feel like we didn't work out is because ik i made u feel like i didn't care and that what we had didn't mean anything to me. if we got the chance to be together in anyway i promise u i would let u know how i feel i promise i would let u know that i don't want to be friends who sometimes act like they aren't just friends and that i want to be in a relationship with u and actual relationship and not some 1 day or summer fling, but an actual relationship. if u guys broke up i would jump at the opportunity and find some way for us to reconnect again i promise. the thing is i won't ever tell u this as long as u are with her no matter how strongly i feel for u and how many realizations i come to about how i feel about u i would never ever ever ever ruin ur relationship because she's probably better for u than me, but deep down i think i am better for u. i would and have multiple times stand up for u for us anytime and to anyone and ik she couldn't do that she's too nice. i don't understand how u could have "loved" me yet u love her. i am pretty bitchy and she is so sweet i can't even hate her she has been nothing but nice to me. last thing i want to say is does she know? did u ever tell her about us? ik u and her were best bestfriends long before i even came along and that i just came along and maybe ruined ur guys' blossoming soon to be relationship. i wish we didn't have to be a secret when we were together, but that's what made it special the fact no one knew so no one could comment on us. now my friends know and have given their opinions do ur friends know?