Unsent messages to BRAYDEN

It's been a while, and even though you've in added me, i'll still wait for you to come back like you asked me to

i really do you like you but u seem to only want me for whats on the outside and not the inside and it hurts me so much that u only want what u see but i cant make u change ur feelings but i do really like u and i do thank u for the fun things we have talked about but i dont think i can carry this on.

its been two weeks since weve talked in person, but you asked where i was last week in a text and never replied. and then youll act like everything is fine and youre not making me go insane + do the things you normally do, can you please stop dragging me on this ride. i wanna forget the feelings i have felt for you, and put them into myself so i feel good when im just with me, and its not dependent on you.

I loved you in a whole different type of way. I’d do anything for it back. I miss you more than words can explain.

i wish i couldve seen you today, but it made my day when you texted asking where i was. i miss you, brayden boy. you make my day, my week, you’re my favorite boy. you make me like myself, i guess thats why i like you so much.

brayden, bray, b, it all comes back to you. i wish that when you were talking about taking pictures of the jeep in kc i woulda said when you go pick me up too, but i didnt so. and, bubs is home now, so, who knows how much time ill spend with friends this week. and, even marie, bubbys girlfriend, has heard a little bit about you. how many people know about me, even a little bitty bit?

i wish i did things differently. maybe we would still be together. but i wish you would’ve given me another chance.

you sat right beside me, legs touching, then on me, then you sat across from me, then you leaned over and showed me videos & pictures of things you enjoy, and talked about doing staches for state & then we helped each other cheat in uno, it was a kind of night that i hope i never forget. but i hope you never see these, otherwise youll know they are about you.

I wish things had worked out. You felt like a soulmate to me. It’s probably my fault we drifted, I wasn’t clear enough. I hope you’re happy

i cant listen to our songs. it hurts to breathe without you. i keep thinking you were the right person wrong time. i hope it is. i miss you. please be safe. i still love you

thank u for loving me when i couldn't love myself and making me smile when I thought the world was going to end. i guess i'm sorry she was better

i wish you had loved me as much as i loved you. you’re the only person i wanna dance in the rain with.

i wish you knew just how often you cross my mind, i wish you paid attention to me more than just when we are face to face. i wish youd text me and facetime me, but youre probably too busy for me. maybe i should just forget about you. but i know that whenever i see you ill want to go talk to you and just be near you. you make my life seem easier, you cant replace the people ive lost, but you can fix the holes and parts of me thats missing. youre my pink, bray. you dont even know it.

i talk about you to my team as much as i talk about my team to you. and i talk about them, quite often.

i even told one of my old close friends about you and i. i just cant tell you about what i feel. youre my pink

i honestly wish i wasnt in my own head all the time when it comes to you. its been you for a while, im just too in my head.

I've loved you sense March but I don't think you know of me but at the same time sometimes I catch you staring at me so I have hope but I don't think it will happen

my ego won't let me get over the fact you'll never love me the way i loved you. i've learned to live with that.

thank you for being my pink, id rather you be my pink than yellow, i see pink as a happier color than yellow, and youre my happy.

i love my body when you are the one touching it. you calmed me down tonight when you moved over and laid beside me and then sat up and made me move my legs so yours would be under my legs. you made me feel special and important and, i really like you.

theres so many things that i only like when you do it. i only like my name when you say it. i only like my smile when im with you. i only like physical contact when its you touching me. i only like my laugh when youre laughing with me. see, i like me when im with you. i couldnt imagine you not being in my life, youre my drug. youre the first person i want to tell when something exciting or disappointing happens. youre the person i would run to when im going through something. you saved my life and dont even know it. i was going to kill myself that tuesday, almost a month ago, but the onlt thing that stopped me was you. i saw your car at the stadium and thought, no, you cant do that k. if you do, youll never get to see him or talk to him again. and part of me thought that maybe youd miss me. you wont ever know this, unless you read this here. i couldnt ever tell you because im too scared to tell you how i feel and thank you for saving my life. i could listen to you talk for hours. i listen to country music because it reminds me of you. i want to be able to call you my boy and it just wont ever happen. youre almost eighteen, why would you ever like a girl like me. im depressed, but i act happy; im scared, but i act brave; i have anxiety, but i will act totally fine; but with you, i feel like i used to before i saw everything. my childhood is messed up, i mean i watched as my brother held a knife to his throat and one to my moms throat, i watched as my brother fought my father and as my brother lashed out on me and almost killed me, i was only eleven. you make me forget all my demons. i feel butterflies when im next to you. my smiles are genuine when im next to you. the video you sent me of the truck show you went to i smiled the whole time i watched, because i knew you were smiling. i miss when we would facetime at night, or just in general. i wish we did more than just talk in person, you stopped texting me, and you quit randomly facetiming me. but in person you act like you like me, can you just make up your mind. ive made up mine, i want you, even if its just for a little while. but i never want you to leave my life. ive written a lot things i wish i could say out loud to you on here. i make fun of you because thats the way my family shows love, thats the only way i know how to show how i feel. i know the tattoos you want and i didnt ell you what i want, so on the back of my left shoulder i want three birds, one for my mom, one for my dad, one for my brother, but also for forgiveness, continuing on, and loving myself. i also want a pair of angel wings with a halo on the back side of my elbow, for my great grandpa, i know hes looking down on me and smiling knowing i found a boy who makes me happy. youre my sunshine, but i see you in the color pink. thats the color you are, pink. its not a bad thing at all, id rather you be pink than any other color because almost all the other colors have a bad memory to them, like teal, it makes me think of my brother almost killing my mom, me, and himself; blue makes me think of alayna moving; orange makes me think of the sunrise on the worst days of my life; green makes me think of hunting and my brother; maroon makes me think of my ggpa, its the color i wore to his funeral. did you ever notice how messed up the word funeral is, the word fun is inside it and nothing about a funeral is fun, just a thought. i think of you often, my mind wonders to you. i wish i could know if you ever think of me too. theres so much i have to say, but its like one am and i have to be up in six hours, so for now ill stop. ill tell you more later.

im gonna miss you so much when you leave. all my friends tell me to just tell you how i feel and i wish i could. school is going to be so hard. you are one of three reasons im there right now. i hate how i havent seen you at school in a month because of quarantine. i miss you and the way just seeing you could calm me down. im so ready for monday, hopefully we both get to stay for a while. its crazy to think that i met you in september, and by october you were already one of my best friends. there are times where i feel like im the only girl you see and times when i think im the only girl you cant see. i dont know why pink is the color i see you in, it just is. it seems like the right color to me. i could listen to you talk about cars all day long, simply because you get so excited and smile the whole time. its the cutest thing to me. gosh, my life is going to suck when you leave, and i cant do anything about that because i know that it will hurt me if i stop talking to you now just to get used to the distance that will come later. who knows, maybe im wrong and my friends are right. maybe you do like me back in the way that i like you. it amazes me how we could be in an extremely loud room and ill barely whisper something and youll hear me. it amazes me the things youve noticed. i love how you asked how i liked my marshmallows when you made me a smore because my hair was straight and i didnt want to have to wash it the next day. its all the little things you do, that make me like you. i want you to know, but i dont think i could tell you at all. so brayden, if you ever see these or any of my others just know, that i mean every single thing i say on this. youre my person, even if im not yours.

you also don't know that you're the reason i didn't kill myself that tuesday, seeing your car at the stadium was enough to make me think clearly again. i just wish i could say this to you.

I hate that I still love you... its coming up on a year since we met and that may be the hardest day so far. I hold that day in such a special place. You truly showed me how to live since the moment you came into my life. I hate you for abandoning me.

When it gets tough I sleep in your hoodies. I dread the day you text me asking for them again. It gets tough quite often now.

okay. i don't think you realize what you're doing but it's fucking me up. i can go hours without thinking about you and be perfectly fine, but the second i think about you i'm so sad and angry at you. one day you're texting me and we're talking and i'm laughing, making me feel like we still have a chance, even in the slighest. but the next day you simply act like i don't exist. you're active all day but i'm sitting there on delivered for 29 hours. don't even get me started on the fact that you ONLY ever start a conversation with me if it has something to do with something sexual. i hate to think that's all you see me as now. someone to satisfy your sexual needs? we both know i'm worth so much more than that, yet i still feed into it because for some reason i still love your attention. seeing you like my post or send me a video or talk to me makes me feel so good and i don't understand why. i know you're lying to me too. you sit there and tell me that you're so unhappy with her and she's annoying and blah blah blah but then one of her old friends who i'm friends with sends me her posts everytime she posts a picture of the two of you. you're fucking lying to me brayden. and for what reason? obviously you're perfectly happy with her, right? cause if not, you're lying to her. and don't get me wrong, i hate her. before you started dating i never liked her, but she doesn't deserve to go through the heart break i did. i wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. you put me through literal hell. now, five months later, i'm just starting to try and talk to people. and i feel so bad, because the guy i'm talking to knows nothing about you or what you put me through. he's a great guy, i'm genuinely so happy when i'm with him. but for some reason i can't fucking stop thinking about you. i want to stop, i want to go be happy with him. but everytime he calls, for a split second i think it could be you. because i have never been so happy in my life then when you used to call me. and i hate that. because now, when i think about myself happy, i automaticly think about being without. i'm not even trying to. i can't help it. and i hate that it's all i fucking think about.

i regret it. ill never have the guts to tell you but i do. i’m glad you’re happy with her now. i hope you have a great life.

I love your smile, your dimples, and your freckles. I wish you all the happiness and to find someone who loved you as much as I did

i’m finally letting go of you now. i will always love you, but tonight. i met someone new. someone who’s eyes sparkle the way that yours used to. i love you. i always will. but now i’m letting go.

what even happened? it all happened so quickly one night you were mine and in the morning i was nothing but trash to you.

you we're literally my bestfriend and the only person i'd talk to. then you left like it was nothing. you didn't even say goodbye or give me a reason. i could've fixed it, you gave up so easily.

hi, i wish we got to stay friends, i also wish i didnt have to move. maybe one day i'll see you again?

i did truly love you, all the days we spent together are memories I will never forget, I just wish you didn't forget about me and move on so fast. i miss you.

its been over a year... you still have my heart, its so weird to say but you will always be the first person i run to

im sorry for everything ive done in the past. i just didnt know i would fuck up this bad i hope we could fix this but you have her now and its like u dont even need me anymore. i just want you back i was so happy and i just couldnt feel it. i just really havent felt anything in a while since my grandpa died he was always there for me . i would talk to him about everthing but since hes gone its like no one will llisten to me anymore. i really wanted to tell you how i felt about you but i couldnt and i should have while i had you with me .I know you have her but i am so sorry and i do miss you even tho i say i dont it is like eating me up inside. im sorry please come back your the only person i opened up my heart to.i just wish u came back even tho we are still friends its not the same .

i know u hate me bc i can't make up my mind ab how i feel about you. i jus want u to know how bad i want you and how i love u so much. i think ab u constantly. ab the things you're doing, the things we say. i would be angry if i were you too. idk why i can't allow myself to b with u. i guess i jus don't want us both to get hurt. i love u. hopefully you know who...if u ever see this.

please don’t ask for your shirt back, then i’ll know it’s over. i want you back, but i never had you, really.

You said you’d never hurt me but you did, you stopped calling me your shooting star, i’m in love with you, but you’ve moved on, i’m broken, i miss how things used to be in the beginning

this will probably be really long. sorry in advance. i used to be scared. everyday i would wake up scared. i always thought, what if i’m not enough, what if i’m not his type, what if he finds someone better, what if he doesn’t even love me, what if he leaves? you know what i mean? i was always so scared that for any reason at all, you weren’t going to love me. but you still did. or at least i thought you did. i’ve never been so happy in my life than when i was on the phone with you. or even just texting you. nothing in the world has ever made me as happy as you did. i never mattered how bad my day or week was, or what i was thinking about, if you texted or called me, i was happy. to this day, i see your name on my phone and i just smile like a loser. i know i changed. i know i went down a rough path. i wasn’t the same girl you met. and i’m sorry. but you never told me that. you never even tried. i changed and you went off to find something better. but now i’ve changed again. i feel like me. i’m the best possible version of myself and i know who i am and what i want to do. but it’s so hard because when i think of my future, you’re always there. no matter what. i genuinely cannot see myself being with any other person. but that’s not what you see. the day you left, i cried so much i threw up. i’ve never felt as much pain and sadness in my entire life as i did on that day. you tell me how you’re not happy right now. you tell me that you’re not even really that happy with her i will never understand why you continue to choose someone who doesn’t make you happy. i get why it’s her, she’s close to you. it’s easy. you can see her whenever you want and you’re the same age and it’s just easy. but love isn’t supposed to be easy. love is hard work. love takes time and effort. neither of which you gave to me. not ONCE did you make an effort to see me whatsoever. and that’s why it hurts so bad to see you and her together all the time. that could’ve been us, but i guess you didn’t want it to be. i still have so much hope. i believe there’s still a chance you’ll come back and we’ll be perfect and live happily ever after. i pray for your happiness every day. i pray for you to have a good and healthy life. i know for a fact that the love i have for you will never fade. i will always choose you over anything else in the world for the rest of my life. because i love you so much. you promised so many things. you promised to never leave, you promised to love me forever, you promised i would be the only girl you ever had eyes for. you promised. and then after leaving me, you asked me if i was okay? how can you expect me to be okay? i planned every single aspect of my life around you. i spent every waking second thinking about you. i still do. all day everyday, you’re all i think about. every tiny thing somehow reminds me of you. how am i supposed to just go on and be okay when i have no idea what to do with my life. we were supposed to get married and have kids and be together forever. now i don’t know what i’m supposed to do because i can’t marry somebody else. even if i could i don’t want to. you always used to say you felt bad and you felt like you were holding me back. i never felt that. i never understood how you thought that. i’m sorry if i hurt you by talking to jaxson, but i only ever did it because you wanted me to. you specifically told me to get a boyfriend. to date someone. you told me you wanted me to talk to other people. so i told you i wanted you to talk to other people. obviously i didn’t want you to talk to other people but i didn’t want to keep you from being happy. i never wanted to talk to anybody else. i still don’t. but that’s what’s so different. you told me a million times, you didn’t want anybody else. you just wanted me. and i said the exact same thing. but as it turns out, i was the only one telling the truth. and i STILL don’t understand why you hid it for two months. the second jaxson texted me, i told you about him. you dated emma for two fucking months and THEN you told me. i get the, “i didn’t want to hurt you,” part. but it hurts more that for two months, every time you said you loved me, or missed me, was all a lie. and there’s nothing i hate more in the world than being lied to. everytime i asked you what was wrong, or if you were okay. was i not doing enough for you? was there something i should’ve said or done? brayden you never talked to me about anything. i tried so hard to be there for you. i really did. i still do. but you brush every little feeling off and pretend it’s not there. i couldn’t help what i didn’t know was going on. as sad as this sounds, i’m genuinely okay with being alone at this point. i know that my future is either with you or alone. and that doesn’t scare me anymore. i just wish you could tell me why everything went the way it did.

I used to think about you and cry. Now I hardly think of you at all. The last time you saw me I was a complete wreck. I just kinda wish you could see how well I'm doing now

I hate the new you. You’re caught up with yourself and your new friends. But if you came to me I would run back to you

shooting star. i will fix myself for you. because you want me to be happy. take the moon and the train and my heart when you go.

i hate seeing you sad or upset, and i know what you’re going through right now hurts. and as much as it sucks to say this, you deserved it. you let me believe you loved me while with another girl. now that girl cheated on you. i’m sorry, i really am. i’m sorry you’re hurting and upset, but i’m not sorry that happened to you. obviously i miss you, but i’m terrified of you coming back. you absolutely shattered me. i’ve never been as hurt by anything in my life as i was when you left me. i still think of you when i see things about marriage, or kids, or any happy couple. and i want that to be us. but there’s no way for me to know you’re not just gonna do it all over again. - if you ever see this you know exactly who

coming back to say how much i love you. i wonder how things will turn out, life is so surprising. i miss you b please come see me soon

I miss your smile the way you would hold me i just want you to be happy tho and i can’t give you that

all my life i hated my full name, until i realized you were the only person who would ever call me by it.

it hurts thinking that i am completely in love with you, when i probably shouldn't be. i wish i could tell you how i feel, that everything changed when you held my hand and wanted to come home with me. when you kissed me on the cheek and held me on the escalator so i felt safe and took me to the park. i want to go back to the park, i keep thinking about you laying on my chest and your arm underneath me and the way you looked at me when you propped yourself up- i wish i never looked away. i wish you kissed me, how terrible am i?
i love you b

hey man..i really do like talking to you but one day you show interest but when i show the tiniest interest? you leave me.

I know we're just friends and that's all we will ever be but you're so special to me and I want nothing but happiness for you. Please take care of yourself

idk what it i about you but i have such a gut feeling you need to be in my life. i love you but i hate you :/