Unsent Messages

this will probably be really long. sorry in advance. i used to be scared. everyday i would wake up scared. i always thought, what if i’m not enough, what if i’m not his type, what if he finds someone better, what if he doesn’t even love me, what if he leaves? you know what i mean? i was always so scared that for any reason at all, you weren’t going to love me. but you still did. or at least i thought you did. i’ve never been so happy in my life than when i was on the phone with you. or even just texting you. nothing in the world has ever made me as happy as you did. i never mattered how bad my day or week was, or what i was thinking about, if you texted or called me, i was happy. to this day, i see your name on my phone and i just smile like a loser. i know i changed. i know i went down a rough path. i wasn’t the same girl you met. and i’m sorry. but you never told me that. you never even tried. i changed and you went off to find something better. but now i’ve changed again. i feel like me. i’m the best possible version of myself and i know who i am and what i want to do. but it’s so hard because when i think of my future, you’re always there. no matter what. i genuinely cannot see myself being with any other person. but that’s not what you see. the day you left, i cried so much i threw up. i’ve never felt as much pain and sadness in my entire life as i did on that day. you tell me how you’re not happy right now. you tell me that you’re not even really that happy with her i will never understand why you continue to choose someone who doesn’t make you happy. i get why it’s her, she’s close to you. it’s easy. you can see her whenever you want and you’re the same age and it’s just easy. but love isn’t supposed to be easy. love is hard work. love takes time and effort. neither of which you gave to me. not ONCE did you make an effort to see me whatsoever. and that’s why it hurts so bad to see you and her together all the time. that could’ve been us, but i guess you didn’t want it to be. i still have so much hope. i believe there’s still a chance you’ll come back and we’ll be perfect and live happily ever after. i pray for your happiness every day. i pray for you to have a good and healthy life. i know for a fact that the love i have for you will never fade. i will always choose you over anything else in the world for the rest of my life. because i love you so much. you promised so many things. you promised to never leave, you promised to love me forever, you promised i would be the only girl you ever had eyes for. you promised. and then after leaving me, you asked me if i was okay? how can you expect me to be okay? i planned every single aspect of my life around you. i spent every waking second thinking about you. i still do. all day everyday, you’re all i think about. every tiny thing somehow reminds me of you. how am i supposed to just go on and be okay when i have no idea what to do with my life. we were supposed to get married and have kids and be together forever. now i don’t know what i’m supposed to do because i can’t marry somebody else. even if i could i don’t want to. you always used to say you felt bad and you felt like you were holding me back. i never felt that. i never understood how you thought that. i’m sorry if i hurt you by talking to jaxson, but i only ever did it because you wanted me to. you specifically told me to get a boyfriend. to date someone. you told me you wanted me to talk to other people. so i told you i wanted you to talk to other people. obviously i didn’t want you to talk to other people but i didn’t want to keep you from being happy. i never wanted to talk to anybody else. i still don’t. but that’s what’s so different. you told me a million times, you didn’t want anybody else. you just wanted me. and i said the exact same thing. but as it turns out, i was the only one telling the truth. and i STILL don’t understand why you hid it for two months. the second jaxson texted me, i told you about him. you dated emma for two fucking months and THEN you told me. i get the, “i didn’t want to hurt you,” part. but it hurts more that for two months, every time you said you loved me, or missed me, was all a lie. and there’s nothing i hate more in the world than being lied to. everytime i asked you what was wrong, or if you were okay. was i not doing enough for you? was there something i should’ve said or done? brayden you never talked to me about anything. i tried so hard to be there for you. i really did. i still do. but you brush every little feeling off and pretend it’s not there. i couldn’t help what i didn’t know was going on. as sad as this sounds, i’m genuinely okay with being alone at this point. i know that my future is either with you or alone. and that doesn’t scare me anymore. i just wish you could tell me why everything went the way it did.