Unsent Messages

theres so many things that i only like when you do it. i only like my name when you say it. i only like my smile when im with you. i only like physical contact when its you touching me. i only like my laugh when youre laughing with me. see, i like me when im with you. i couldnt imagine you not being in my life, youre my drug. youre the first person i want to tell when something exciting or disappointing happens. youre the person i would run to when im going through something. you saved my life and dont even know it. i was going to kill myself that tuesday, almost a month ago, but the onlt thing that stopped me was you. i saw your car at the stadium and thought, no, you cant do that k. if you do, youll never get to see him or talk to him again. and part of me thought that maybe youd miss me. you wont ever know this, unless you read this here. i couldnt ever tell you because im too scared to tell you how i feel and thank you for saving my life. i could listen to you talk for hours. i listen to country music because it reminds me of you. i want to be able to call you my boy and it just wont ever happen. youre almost eighteen, why would you ever like a girl like me. im depressed, but i act happy; im scared, but i act brave; i have anxiety, but i will act totally fine; but with you, i feel like i used to before i saw everything. my childhood is messed up, i mean i watched as my brother held a knife to his throat and one to my moms throat, i watched as my brother fought my father and as my brother lashed out on me and almost killed me, i was only eleven. you make me forget all my demons. i feel butterflies when im next to you. my smiles are genuine when im next to you. the video you sent me of the truck show you went to i smiled the whole time i watched, because i knew you were smiling. i miss when we would facetime at night, or just in general. i wish we did more than just talk in person, you stopped texting me, and you quit randomly facetiming me. but in person you act like you like me, can you just make up your mind. ive made up mine, i want you, even if its just for a little while. but i never want you to leave my life. ive written a lot things i wish i could say out loud to you on here. i make fun of you because thats the way my family shows love, thats the only way i know how to show how i feel. i know the tattoos you want and i didnt ell you what i want, so on the back of my left shoulder i want three birds, one for my mom, one for my dad, one for my brother, but also for forgiveness, continuing on, and loving myself. i also want a pair of angel wings with a halo on the back side of my elbow, for my great grandpa, i know hes looking down on me and smiling knowing i found a boy who makes me happy. youre my sunshine, but i see you in the color pink. thats the color you are, pink. its not a bad thing at all, id rather you be pink than any other color because almost all the other colors have a bad memory to them, like teal, it makes me think of my brother almost killing my mom, me, and himself; blue makes me think of alayna moving; orange makes me think of the sunrise on the worst days of my life; green makes me think of hunting and my brother; maroon makes me think of my ggpa, its the color i wore to his funeral. did you ever notice how messed up the word funeral is, the word fun is inside it and nothing about a funeral is fun, just a thought. i think of you often, my mind wonders to you. i wish i could know if you ever think of me too. theres so much i have to say, but its like one am and i have to be up in six hours, so for now ill stop. ill tell you more later.