Unsent messages to NATE

You make me want to see myself the way you see me. You make me want to love myself the way you love me.

why didn't you stay? did we ever love each other properly? and if so, why did you toss me in the bin and replace me so quickly? you said you think about me every day the moment I reached out again from across the globe on New Year's Day. I can't help but wonder now how much you meant it. you were my first love, even though I wasn't yours. had I known you'd be sorry two years later, would I have bled out the way I did? would I have shed the skin I was in, time and time again, so I could finally say you never touched it?

i wish you could know how much i still love you. we fucked each other up so much but i would still do anything hear you laugh again

Every day I wake up and all I want to do is talk to you. I miss you so much. This is heartbreaking. Please text me.

i hope she breaks you in ways you didn’t think you could be broken. also biden won, no need to butt fuck trump anymore

i legit started talking to you three days ago...i have never fallen in love so fast in my life. you make my heart flutter

i would tell you i miss you but i was never what you wanted in the first place. i love you, i’ll always be here if you ever need anything. im proud of how good you’re doing.

it is actually your fault that your a P.O.S dont blame it on me hun. figure yourself out:) then get back to me

i wonder everyday what your final impression of me was, i hope you're happy now. i wish we could meet again as new people.

lol i am madly in love with you and it hurts that you’ll never realize or feel the same way but i have felt this way since sixth grade and it doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon and um yeah

i can still feel your laugh and your touch, i can still see your eyes. 1 minute you were my world and the next i gave you up.

I remember that you’re left handed because the night we met we got matching beaded necklaces that we wore on our wrists.

you made me feel truly cared for for the first time, i still love you but i dont know if i like you anymore

i really liked you and i sat there helping you try to get over your ex. it's not your fault, you didn't know. but it sucked.

i am so beyond in love with you still, i would do anything to be with you cuddling watching 90 day fiancé right now and just being happy together. but we are five hours away, and in two months we will he seven hours away. as i am going to have an official boyfriend later today, i would like to let you know even though we were fwb at first, and kept it that way, there is nobody in this world that compares to you. i always said i would end up marrying you, especially when i left for college and we still talked regularly and it was amazing. i absolutely love you, nate. i wish you the best. i will still talk to you, but not with the same light and hope as i did when i knew i had a chance with you but didn’t want to ruin what we had at the time. you mean more to me than you will ever know.

you used me. we were best friends and i loved you. i still do. but when i think about that night i feel sick. you may be used to pulling that shit, but on me? when i was that drunk? i hate you.

you always seem to make me remember all the feelings and memories. though our time is up, ily forever

I’m glad we met, and I’m glad we kissed and had fun. And I cannot wait for all of the days we have ahead

i keep thinking you'll come back. i'm sorry i wasn't there to help you. no ones been the same since the accident. please come back. i miss you nate. we'll definitely be having a communal crank. the old circle jerk. - casper (riles)

hey nate. it's riley. today simon accidentally introduced himself as barry. it was funny, but then it got all quiet and no one talked for a while. we all miss you. mostly me and simon, well mostly me. but ill never tell them that. it feels weird without you here. it's a lot quieter, but not really in a good way. I definitely laugh a lot less. there's this new guy that has to work with us for a few days and he made a sex joke and alisha accidentally called him nathan. you're still with us. at least in the ways that matter. the new guys name is ivan. he's okay. his presence seems to be enough to distract everyone else from you being gone. but i know when he leaves it'll just go back go sorting clothes in silence. it's only been two weeks since the accident, but it feels like its been a year. everyone keeps asking me if i'm okay. what do they expect me to say? yes? i'm sorry I haven't visited you yet. I keep going there and then just not taking the final step. I'm scared. i know that even if you're there in spirit it will never be the same. i know you would have wanted me to move on. and i've thought about it. but i've decided that i'd rather wait for you my whole life than to find someone who will never be able to make me as happy as you made me. for a while i thought you would come back. i thought you were pranking us. kurtis told me that if you were pranking us he was gonna beat your ass wheelchair or not. speaking of kurtis. he tried to help too. but it doesn't work like that. god a group of people like us and somehow none of us could save you. i'm sorry. i cant stop thinking that if i was there i could have helped you. i could have pulled you back up. or something. i dont know. i feel like its my fault. if i hadn't been with alisha and kelly. kelly says its no one's fault and that what's meant to happen will happen. which would be helpful if i believed that this was what was meant to happen. i don't know. i guess some part of me still thinks that you'll show up here one day and make a joke about wanking and we'll all laugh and it will go back to normal. this can't be the way this was meant to happen. i promise i'll come visit you soon. i know it must be pretty lonely down there. did you find our friends? they let me have your stuff. i dont know why they just did. someday i'll wear it. but right now i know i can't. anyways. i think you would like ivan. he's real easy to make fun of. that always seemed to be your favorite quality in someone. you'd probably say he looks like one of floops fooglies. he kinda does. i think kelly likes him. i don't know. i miss you. i wish you would come back and make fun of me for being whispy. and by the way i am not whispy. my body is just a little confused on what state of matter it wants to be in. i'm sad that we never got to see what you could do. some part of me thinks you can come back. but i think you would have done that already if you could. i don't really have much more to say that hasn't already been said. but i'm scared to stop writing this. i feel really close to you right now and i know as soon as i stop i'll lose that. maybe i'll go see you tonight. im sorry that we never got to see where this would have gone. i miss you.

I know we were meant to be with each other but It just didn’t work out. Maybe in another life. I love you.

Thank you for being the first person I loved and for eventually teaching me what to not look for in a boyfriend and to know when it’s over.

You were my best friend. I loved how much we hung out and how much we appreciated eachother. I loved it so much that I started to fall in love with you. Unfortunately we went through a rough patch and we couldn't get past it. I miss you everyday, I think about you all the time, and I just wish we were still friends. I wish I could tell you how I feel. I love you.

you went back to the girl you told me not to worry about. you’re the reason i became depressed, developed trust issues, and so much more.

hi nate. this is my last letter to you (hopefully). i've left notes to you for the past three months, and i think it's finally time to stop. i hope you find another girl suits you better, a goth one who loves cars, but doesn't wear those "ugly shoes". i hope you find a sx240 with prettier nice interior and a maybe even a white rx-7 in the future. i hope you get those real friendships that you so desire, ones that don't leave you feeling lonely. i hope you learn to be vulnerable and open and that it's okay to not bottle everything up. i hope you stop being so hateful all the time and learn to be sweet and kind. i hope you open your eyes and see all the pain you have caused to those who love you. i hope you grow and learn what love truly is, and that it's more than just a feeling. i love you, nate, and forever will, but i have to let you go. thank you for our memories. i'll cherish those two golden days forever. to the boy i once knew, goodbye.

I've forgiven you for what you did to me. I have for a long time now. I can't tell you because that's just gonna start a cycle of hurt that no one needs. I genuinely hope that you've found happiness and that you're doing well.

my heart beats so fast whenever i see a letter with my name on it. i wonder if any of them are ever from you?

sometimes I miss you. I miss being your friend although I know it will never happen again. I know we've hated each other ever since but I cant help think of how things couldve gone.

i just want you to mature and figure out whats important who is really down for you. i want you back but not if your going to treat me the same. how did you let go of those past and our special bond like no other. you were my person. your family was mine. ive never felt safer than i do when im with you. everything has memories with you we did everything together. how am i the only one effected by this. i dont know if i will ever stop loving you.

i always check my name to see if you wrote anything for me. do you ever read these? do you know which ones are to you?

i love you & always will , i didn’t mean to hurt you , & we don’t talk anymore bc you’re gross & they stuff you joke about isn’t funny to me ❤️

I miss you. more than you know. more than I wish I did. idk what happened, I just want to know if you're okay. imy

i keep asking myself why i love you, and i don’t know the answer. i just want the best for you and for you to be happy and loved, but my feelings aren’t reciprocated.

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner that I loved you. I’m sorry that we will never know how things could’ve been.

I know you hate being called Nate and probably will never see this but I miss you. I miss what we had, our beautiful friendship. I know I’ve been a bitch the last few times we talked, you didn’t deserve that treatment at all. You unfriended/unfollowed me everywhere and I understood why you did it, I’m not mad. I wish we ended things differently. –S

i had another dream about you last night. in that dream, you held me in your arms. i wish it wasn’t a dream.