Unsent Messages

hey nate. it's riley. today simon accidentally introduced himself as barry. it was funny, but then it got all quiet and no one talked for a while. we all miss you. mostly me and simon, well mostly me. but ill never tell them that. it feels weird without you here. it's a lot quieter, but not really in a good way. I definitely laugh a lot less. there's this new guy that has to work with us for a few days and he made a sex joke and alisha accidentally called him nathan. you're still with us. at least in the ways that matter. the new guys name is ivan. he's okay. his presence seems to be enough to distract everyone else from you being gone. but i know when he leaves it'll just go back go sorting clothes in silence. it's only been two weeks since the accident, but it feels like its been a year. everyone keeps asking me if i'm okay. what do they expect me to say? yes? i'm sorry I haven't visited you yet. I keep going there and then just not taking the final step. I'm scared. i know that even if you're there in spirit it will never be the same. i know you would have wanted me to move on. and i've thought about it. but i've decided that i'd rather wait for you my whole life than to find someone who will never be able to make me as happy as you made me. for a while i thought you would come back. i thought you were pranking us. kurtis told me that if you were pranking us he was gonna beat your ass wheelchair or not. speaking of kurtis. he tried to help too. but it doesn't work like that. god a group of people like us and somehow none of us could save you. i'm sorry. i cant stop thinking that if i was there i could have helped you. i could have pulled you back up. or something. i dont know. i feel like its my fault. if i hadn't been with alisha and kelly. kelly says its no one's fault and that what's meant to happen will happen. which would be helpful if i believed that this was what was meant to happen. i don't know. i guess some part of me still thinks that you'll show up here one day and make a joke about wanking and we'll all laugh and it will go back to normal. this can't be the way this was meant to happen. i promise i'll come visit you soon. i know it must be pretty lonely down there. did you find our friends? they let me have your stuff. i dont know why they just did. someday i'll wear it. but right now i know i can't. anyways. i think you would like ivan. he's real easy to make fun of. that always seemed to be your favorite quality in someone. you'd probably say he looks like one of floops fooglies. he kinda does. i think kelly likes him. i don't know. i miss you. i wish you would come back and make fun of me for being whispy. and by the way i am not whispy. my body is just a little confused on what state of matter it wants to be in. i'm sad that we never got to see what you could do. some part of me thinks you can come back. but i think you would have done that already if you could. i don't really have much more to say that hasn't already been said. but i'm scared to stop writing this. i feel really close to you right now and i know as soon as i stop i'll lose that. maybe i'll go see you tonight. im sorry that we never got to see where this would have gone. i miss you.