Unsent messages to N

The first meeting was at that rave .we didn’t talk so much but I think our eyes really did .I LOVE YOUR EYS

I adore you, I wish I could tell you. But in the end it would never work out, no matter how hard any of us tried.

I almost threw up tonight thinking about the moment you’ll put your hand on another persons face to kiss them

I want to ruin our friendship
We should be lovers instead
I do not know how to say this
Because you really are my best friend:(

I am really falling for you. Or, at least I think I am. It's just hard to fully let you in so soon after all you have put me through to get to where we are now. I think I am just scared of losing you because I have never felt this strongly.

Letting you go is harder then I thought it would be. 2 years is a lot to move past, even if I thought I was stronger then what happened to me and how our love seemed to dissolve right in my hands. I do miss you, even if you think I dont, and the pit in my stomach grows and shrinks when I remember how much I love you, and then I try to remind myself of all the things you did to me. You were the first love of my life and right now I don't know if I'll ever recover. Please never forget about me, please. I need the memories.

I bought a family sized box of frosted flakes and then you left me.
Now it just sits on the top shelf mocking me

i don’t know why but I feel such strong things for you already. i could see myself falling in love with you, but I’m so afraid of being broken.
m

I fell for you, I really did. But you treated me like an option so I chose to leave. I deserved better.

I know we have been best friend for long time and I don't want to ruin it, but I have feelings for you and I don't know what to do :(

your beautiful soul was my barrier from an outside world. you’ve taught me love, and distracted me from all the things we couldn’t handle. thank you.

but it was your death, that helped me to learn how to be strong. for a while i was mad at you. why didn’t you leave me even a note? why didn’t you call?

but i think i know now. i knew you well. even if from time to time my body goes numb when i’m thinking about you, i still understand. you’ve made your decision.

i love you. so fucking much. it won’t ever change, but i guess it doesn’t make a difference now. i miss you.

I cannot find the words to thank you. We went through so much. You held my hand through it all and I am here because of you. I hope you find someone who brings you peace. I hope you find your way back to the path and that you didn’t stray because of us ending. Nothing is permanent, you told me. My gratitude to you is. I could flood the world with it. I hope the universe kisses your cheek for me.

I’m sorry you didn’t think I was enough but I did everything I could for you and you replaced me in a few days. I saved your life

I can’t tell if it’s platonic or romantic. Either way, you’re an amazing person. Thanks for the memories.

I can’t tell if it’s platonic or romantic. Either way, you’re an amazing person. Thanks for the memories.

I miss your mom and all the morning coffees in your kitchen lonely and peaceful waiting for you to wake up. That was my happiness.

It hurts filling up applications to study in other nations bcs I know I won't be able to take you with me.

You lead me on then crushed me. You'd ignore me then come back to my life when it was convenient. And the worst part is you'd make me feel like I was the problem.

I'd do anything for a second chance even though it wasn't meant to be. - B

(Red your favourite color lol)

i miss you more than words could ever explain. i love you so much and truly dont think there will ever be a time that i dont. i refuse to believe this is the end for us. it cant be. no one in this world gets me like you do. no one was ever able to pull me out of my worst days like you were. i miss you. and having a friendship. my world hasnt been the same without you. sure im getting over it slowly more and more each day, but that hasnt changed the way i feel about you. i still love you more than words could ever describe. i still wish i could go to you like i was able to before. share my great news with you. cry to you when it felt like my world was falling to pieces. you were always there for me. no matter what youd help me. you always knew exactly what to say. youre words were so calming and never failed to help. i want that advice again. i want your love again. i want things to go back to how they were. but not. i know towards the end things were toxic, but i truly believe we have changed and can fix things. not a day goes by where i dont think about you. i remember us talking about having dogs and kids and living the dream life. getting married, moving down south. beautiful nights under the stars. sitting in your arms feeling safe. knowing no matter what went wrong id always have you. you were my rock. my person. the love of my life. i wish i could have it back. i want a life and future with you. i want you. i have for the longest time. i went into this thinking it wasnt going to last but it would be fun. and then i got to know you. and i learned that you were what i was looking for. the person to be there for me for my highs and lows. make me smile on my hardest days. laugh when life hurt. feel better about myself. n i love you to the moon and back still. losing what we had is still one of the worst things that has happened to me. i truly believe you are the one. and one day were going to find our way back to each other. one day when the time is right, well look at each other with those same loving eyes we did months ago and everything will be clear. youll be the one for me and ill be the one for you. things will end the way they were meant to. ill find you again and life will work its self out. i told you i was still in love with you for stupid reasons you wouldnt care about. one of those stupid reasons is because you helped me grow in my faith. no other guy has helped me get closer to god and learn to pray and put all my stress and problems on him so he could take them away. no one has ever been there for me like that. thats why when you asked me why i told these other guys no i said there was reasons. that was the reasons. none of them ever seemed like they would continue to lead me in my faith. none of them told me they would take me to church because my own family cant. thats why i believe im meant to be with you. i want to raise a family with you so you can help me teach them these things. i feel like such a better person when im with you. you helped to keep me from doing things i shouldnt. you truly kept me alive when i was ready for everything to be over. you gave me hope. i truly believed wed be that small percentage of high school relationships that lasted. all i want is for you to come back. come running to me. tell me you love me. tell me you were wrong and im the one. tell me you always knew deep down youd come back to me. find me again. make things right. i just want you to come back. make everything better. my world would be so much better with you in it. i know i said ive gotten better and ive learned to love myself even though i dont have you. but i want to love myself with you in my life. i want us to have something again. a friendship. relationship. something. i know you say you think things are better off how they are now. but are they? how can they be better when we went from being each others everythings to having no part in the others life. you cant tell me thats how you wanted things to go. because i know you still have feelings and still care. as much as you try to hide it i know you still care. you told me you still have dreams about me and miss what we had. but then say those feelings will probably go away. will they? will they really? i know you and i know that you believe in things like i do. you cannot tell me you dont believe those dreams are a sign. i sign that the way things were left between us isnt right. a sign that something is missing. i feel better about myself since you left but that doesnt take away from the fact that i feel like something is missing in my heart. in my soul. deep down. ive never fallen for someone so hard. i look at every other guy and all i want is you. you tell me i can talk to other people. nut truth is i cant. because none of them will ever be you. its you. it has been for as long as i can remember now. and it always will be. it was supposed to be you and me until the day we die. please just tell me you still feel some sort of connection. something in you telling you not to leave. something pulling you. making you feel like if you stay everything will make sense. i truly thought i was over you. but im not. youre the one. i dont want anyone else. ever. i want you. now. tomorrow. forever. and thats not going to change. as much as you want me to just get over it. move on. be fine without you. i cant. not after everything weve been through. you know everything. all my secrets. everything. i cant feel safe around anyone like i did with you again. literally no one else in this whole world could make me feel the way you did. i dont want to go another day without you. i miss our jam sessions to country music. cuddling. laying on the couch. watching stupid movies. you braiding my hair in the garage. standing on your feet dancing around. the times youd hold me when things were going to hell. i miss it all. i want you to miss it. i want you to realize we were meant for each other. i want to bring you as much joy as you brought me. you saved my life. i look back at the pictures and hurt. hoping youll come back. hoping youll find me again. i want it back. ive changed. im better now. i can rely on myself for happiness now. but things would be so much better with you. ill wait as long as i have to if things end up with you. i dont think you realize that i mean it when i say if it was my wedding day and you showed up and told me you loved me again id leave. id walk out of that church just to be with you. i cant stand the thought of not being with you. the idea that you might find someone else. i cant imagine that. i truly cant see myself being with anyone other than you.

Today we talked. for hours. about everything. random stuff. but it felt so good. i thought i might be getting somewhere. might be getting my boy back. then as quick as it started it was over. the long random goofy conversation that made all my pain of the last few days and even months, was over. thats when i knew. i knew i needed you. nothing has felt this good in a long time. i felt like i was getting back what i asked for. my prayers were being answered. then it was gone. over with again. N, all i want is to have something with you again. for the first time in a long time i didnt feel as big of a missing piece in my soul today. something about talking to you and thinking there was a chance of something still being there calmed me. you told me that if i was ever in the neighborhood to drop my brother off maybe we could meet up and go on a walk or something. i wanted to scream. YES. of course i want to go! but i played it off as if it was nothing big. bu tit was huge. it meant the world to me hearing you say something like this. do you think theres a chance theres still something in you thats pulling you to me? telling you not to give up yet? that theres more to our story? this isnt the end? because i really feel like there has to be some part of you that still wants something to do with me. i dont know. today felt like the closest ive felt to home in months. because i really feel that youre my home. and losing you has been so awful because all i want is you. to be in your arms. to laugh with you. to cry with you. to do all the things we love together. i truly feel like things arent finished between us. something is going to happen down the road. i dont know if thats now. a few weeks. a few months. a few years. either way something is meant to happen. i dont know. ive just never felt this way about someone. ive never felt this strongly that someone was meant to be in my life. like you dont even get how crazy it is. and all i want to know is if you have the same feelings. deep down. do you feel things are meant to be. i just cant stand hearing you say the things you say and tell me you dont think theres anything that will happen with us but it seems so clear that deep down you know thats not true. N, ive known you for a while now and i think i know you almost as well as i know myself. and i can tell that im not the only one that deep down feels theres more for us. i cant be. its just not possible.

ever since you asked me to go on the walk i havent stopped thinking. what if we did. we went on this walk. we talked. we laughed again. then we got serious. question why we ever really decided this wouldnt work. between us. and you realize we are meant for each other. youll look me in the eyes. hold me close. lean in. tell me want this. want us again. and kiss me again like things used to be. if only. if only...

i look at the things you gave me. everyday. i remember all the good times we had. and wonder what in the world happened.

sometimes i just feel empty. without you. you know? like i lost of piece of me. when you left. i wish i could get that back. and as much as i act like my heart could go on, it cant. i dont know that ill ever move on. i feel like this is what is meant to be. this is our plan in life. i know i have said it nearly a thousand times. but i need it to stick. i need you to understand. that this is real for me. that i mean it. when i say i would wait years. i mean it. im not just saying it for dramatics. i really want you. and us. and love again. the things i would give up to have you again. oh so many things. i could be left with nothing. all i want is you.

i try to pretend around most people that im ok. that ill be fine with out you. that i dont need you. that i wont go back to you. but truth is i am lying. the second you tell me you were wrong. the second you tell me you want me. the second you tell me you need me. im here. ill always be here. with open arms. because you are my home. and i want to be yours. forever. and. always.

sometimes i wonder what you are doing. what you are up to. whats going on in your life. i wonder if you do the same with me. do you wonder how i am doing? if i miss you? if i think about you? are our feelings still the same. has something come back? do you see me in every girl? do you miss my family like i miss yours? do you miss our chaotic hang outs? when our siblings would try to catch us doing things? i do. so many questions i have to ask you. too scared to though. never will know i guess. huh?

i catch myself realizing i wish you could have known the real me. the me that does random things. that laughs harder at joke than anyone. the me that is wild. spontaneous. all over the place. happy. i wish you could see the real me. thats happy now. sometimes i think that maybe if you saw her now you would want me. the version of me that is begining to be genuinly happy. if only you were here to see i did it. i am getting better.

you texted first. my heart is exploding. does this mean something? you havent reached out to me in i dont know how long. this is so huge for me. you dont even understand. i am so happy to maybe just maybe have something again with. i love these random conversations we have started to have. i love it. love it.

i think there might still be a spark. something there. i feel like theres a small chance we can bring something back. slowly. starting with a friendship. n, i really do not think you will regret this. just wait...

my eyes. emerald. blue green. you asked me if they were always that color. i almost lost it. you still pay attention to these things. i keep pretending. pretending its not that big a deal. pretending it doesnt make me want to scream. and jump for joy. but truth is, it does. i want to do a happy dance. scream at the top of my lungs. you still notice the small things. the little things that wouldnt matter to anyone else. but you knew made my day. you notice. you care. you still care. emerald. blue green.

the butterflies. they are coming back. with every text i get. i can feel myself falling back. falling back into love. all over again. i can feel myself falling in love with you again. i never stopped loving you. but i am falling in love again. slowly. but surely. something good is going to happen. this is the start of something new. i can feel it. just wait...

you told me. you still feel something. i knew it. i knew this could not be the end. i knew it. there is still something there. i dont know what this means. for us. for me. what is going to happen? i dont care. all i care about is you still have feelings deep down. there is something there. something. and ill take something.

"oh ok". those words. hit me. like a truck. i dont know. something about them hurts a little. makes me wonder if i should have said anything in the first place. maybe i should have just played it cool. pretended it was a big deal. maybe im stupid for saying i still care. maybe i should have kept my mouth closed. i dont know. or maybe it was worth it. maybe in the end ill be glad i told you. it will be worth it. i never want you to think i dont care. i dont want anything to happen and you think i dont care. i dont know. i just want you to know i care about you. and still want you. i really do.

feelings. yours are still there too. you still have something. i changed the subject quick. dont want to seem too happy. or clingy. changed the subject. but i havent stopped thinking about it. even though you only responded with a short answer. i havent stopped thinking. what happens now? do we just leave it at that? does anything more come of it? i really wonder. i want something with you. but thats ok if its just a friendship right now. i feel like things would be better that way. at least to start. form a friendship. get to really know each other. i really feel like you dont know me as well as i want you to. and i feel bad. thats my fault. but this is new. this is a fresh start. a chance to try again. id kill to just see you. hang out with you. even just as a friend. anything is good. i see these movies where people hang out. the two of them. clearly in love. but best friends above all. they hang out. all thee time. pretend they arent falling head over heals for each other. then one day they finally just give in. that magic moment. im willing to wait for it. i mean if we are meant to be we will have a story. and stories have ups and downs. thats life. i just wan those ups and downs to be with you. you know?

thinking. i have done a lot of thinking today. about. you. about us. i keep doing it. i was on a long car ride today. listening to country. and it gave me plenty of time. time to think. and what i could think about was you. and us. i have gone back to the day dreaming like i used to. vacation. i want a vacation with you. i imagined us on a long car ride. to jersey. or maine. anywhere. as long as it is with you. anyway. a long care ride. cuddles and karaoke. the whole way there. finally after we get there we live the best week of our life. party like there is no tomorrow. late night cuddles feeling so in love. i want it. so bad.

i really am missing you. when we used to cuddle. have our sweet little moments. i miss your company. your touch. your sweet little texts. the songs we shared. i feel like we are getting closer. closer to having those things back. closer to starting a new relationship. every step. every text. every little thing seems to get us a little bit closer. i miss you. oh how i miss you.

babe. you called me babe. you said it was an accident. but i know it wasnt. i know you meant to say that. i know you are trying to start something again. no one accidentally types babe. no one. and im perfectly fine with that. butterflies. so many butterflies. all i can think about is the fact that you called me babe. like the old days. i cannot explain how happy i am that something is happening. something is going to happen between us. i just know it will. wow. i am literally blown away. i never thought we would be here again. talking again. friends. joking around. falling again. you seem like you really want to talk to me. slowly you are starting to be my world again. i love it.

you dont want me like that. but its ok. i get it.you tell me you dont want that kind of thing. you hate cuddlings. and thats ok. i cant change that. and i dont know that i really want to .because thats you. and i like you just the way you are. i will take a friendship a friendship would be better than nothing. but im not going to pretend i dont have feelings for you. and that i dont care for you. because i do. and i want to be a part of your life again. thats why ill take just friends. but i am not going to pretend everything i see doesnt remind me of you. i look at my clothes. remember what i was wearing with you. i smell my shampoo and my heart breaks a little more knowing how excited i was getting ready to see you. see my ring flipped knowing i lost you. i watch my number 8 necklace sit in a drawer. because you arent my number 8 anymore. i look at the notes you wrote me. everyday. i wonder everyday. where did i mess up? why couldnt i just see what i needed to be? to be your perfect girl? i just want to make you happy. i would do anything to be with you and see you happy. i just want to make you happy. make you laugh. make you smile. make you feel safe. like you make me feel. i know telling you i still care was a lot but i needed you to know. thats why i dont want anyone else. because no one else is you. every time i think that there is someone else, i remember the arent you. and i cant pretend i like someone the way i like you. i would rather be alone. than be with someone other than you. it just isnt right. the whole idea of being with someone else. it is just wrong. im sorry.

i dont get it. i dont understand. why? why am i good enough to like. good enough to kinda be friends with. but not good enough to be close friends. and not date. i just dont understand. i feel like it should be easier than this. i feel like you just dont want to like me. and i dont understand. i dont know that i ever will. because i want something. and it makes me so upset. and frustrated. that you cant just want me. i dont understand. just explain. explain why you seem like you dont want to like me. why you want to keep your distance. are you afraid? are you afraid of falling? and me leaving? because i will never do that. never. ever. i havent given up on you for the past year. and some. i just dont get it. things should be easier. explain. please. make me get it. i want you. i want something. i dont want to have a kinda relationship with you. i want to be yours. i want you to know you dont need to be scared.

on and off. for weeks. until you said it. you said goodbye. said youd tell me. tell me if your feelings ever change. probably wont. but until then goodbye. that hurt. more than anything. like the last time all over. it felt like losing you all over again. i really wish you wouldnt have said some of that stuff to make me feel better. i know you said you meant it. but i dont know. it just really gave me a sense of false hope. i wish i could have proved to you earlier things have changed. i want the best for you. which is why im going to give you your space. i just really hope you see. see that things could work out again. i hope that one day everything makes sense. i want you to be happy. and i want to be happy. but i also feel like things are meant to be. right person wrong time. maybe...

te quise como a nadie, pero ha llegado un punto en el que tengo que huir, no puedo mas, me destrozas poco a poco, y eso no es bueno, que sepas que te querre siempre.?

I miss you just as much as i hate you. Even though it’s been a year, what you did stuck with me and hurt. bad. i was always there for you and you were never there for me even when i became numb to anything. i’m letting you go. therefore, fuck you.

You took away so much of me. And now our mutual best friend is getting so close of your new girlfriend. And I’m so scared of losing her, I lost you and it was horrible. I cannot do this again.

I still remember that rainy summer afternoon. I fell in love with you that day and never stopped loving you ever since. And...I will never stop loving you.

Sometimes i wish you could see how much you hurt me. I really love you, and i wish you could see that.

You aren’t my first love, but i like you a lot. I know i can’t ever tell you that and you probably don’t feel the same so it hurts a bit. I hope i see you someday

you're messed up n i'm complicated but u still succeed at being close to me, idk what'll happen for us but i hope u won't die and i won't be hurt too much
maybe u are the one maybe not, i don't even know now and i am even more lost but i hope everything will be fine in the end

I wish I could tell you everything but sometimes doing the wrong thing is a good thing and I can't explain it, I'm sorry.

Your my best friend and i’m losing you. I don’t know what to do, i thought we’d be best friends for a long time, but we’re so distant all of a sudden. I know i shouldn’t have depended on you so much but we depended on each other like that. Now we barely speak, you changed and yeah i did too but i was always there for you but i don’t think you were for me.

hey, i know you wont like me back, but please just say it to my face. It's so hard to convince myself otherwise.

You changed too quickly. But I should have seen it coming. I think maybe I did, but I chose to ignore it because I had so much hope for you and I...

you made all the first moves. you came into my life, only to hurt me the way you promised you wouldnt.

I think you're the first person I'm actually in love with. Even though I can't be with you, you're still my best friend. Ily.

I don’t think I’m in love with you. But the thought of you with someone other than me...I don’t like it.

i lied to you yesterday, im not in love with you anymore. just the idea of you. i've moved on like you have truth be told. all this time i realize that i've been mourning the idea of the what-ifs or the possibilities but i was mostly mourning the loss of our friendship. i don't think i loved you, i know what love is now. love is harsh, it keeps you up awake until 2am trying to figure out how to get out of it, it has you imagining life 4 years later and visiting each other, it has you wanting to watch her fall asleep on a video call, it has you burning with fire for what could come. i fell in love with someone new. i fell in love with someone who understands my traumas and the reasons why i do the things i do. i fell in love with someone who is smart, talented, so very pretty, kind, and everything i wanted to be, she's someone i admire, and i've moved on, probably before i realized it. but yesterday's conversation, i think i needed it to just fully accept that i was just lingering onto a ghost. goodbye, thank you for all the memories we've had together, for the ones that were painful, the ones that were happy, and the ones in between.

this color still reminds me of you, golden, i miss you more than anything... i’ll always love you too.

you are the most realistic person in the world yet loving you filled my mind with fantasies of destiny and soulmates

we’re not meant for now but for later i just hope anyone you meet till then is temporary because i’ll always wait

I hate that when I hear Señorita I think of you. I shouldn't listen to it, but I loved it before it became "ours"..

The breakup helped me becoming the person I am today. But I will never get the time back I wasted with crying over you

We were not meant to be together but I am glad that I met you cause for a while you were everything I needed

Even if our love wasn't perfect, I don't regret it. I won't forget the memories, but the pain still affect me.
We were young and we became two different souls, that couldn't love the other in a good way.

i am sorry for the way i reacted, i just couldn’t believe someone would ever actually have feelings for me

you’re not the same. i have no clue what to think about you. i moved on ages ago and i’d like you to that i’m doing way better without you.

I'm sorry.
sorry for making you feel like you needed to starve yourself to be good enough even though I thought you perfect just the way you were. other then that I hate you for making me feel like I needed to show you my body and have sex with you.

I can't tell if you're just busy or if this is who you are- why don't you engage more? Was this a mistake?

i hate having to pretend that i'm okay when we all know damn well that i miss you. at this point, i'm positive that i would give anything to have you back in my life again

let me be selfish one last time. i hope that whenever you see this colour on someone you think of me, that your thoughts they'll flooded by our memories. but i also hope you make new memories, one that are happy and fill you with joy. ones that make you beam with happiness. something i couldn't make you do.

I know you don't miss me, but I'm still very fond of you, and I'm still hopeful that we'll become something :(

i just wish i ended things earlier. would've lessened the pain. if i didn't know what i wanted i should've just broken it off completely.