Unsent messages to JOEL

the first time i talked to you i saw us as friends but one day you were so so sweet to me and no one has ever been this sweet towards me. I loved you a lot. You are special i hate seeing you talk to other girls and dating them it hurts a lot. Cause for a second i thought you liked me back. I never loved someone so much. you make me feel a way i never felt about anyone. You hurt me. But im so stupid cause i'm just gonna keep waiting no matter what I just don't see myself loving someone else.

i think there's a piece of you in the way i hold myself. i learnt so much from my experience with you. thank you for shaping me. loving you was addictive.

i know that you could never love me and thats neither of our faults - but that will never change the fact i fell in love.

in the note i know you have on your phone, i promised to love you throughout everything. and you promised me the same and yet you left me and almost replaced me a week later. and now you’re acting like you care, and that you’re sorry, but are you really sorry about what you did or what it’s done to me?

you probably don’t remember this, but i want to tell you i’m sorry. i don’t really know how to tell you in person and i don’t think you’ll ever see this but if you do i’m glad.

remember a few years ago when we were on the track after cross country and you asked me if i thought you were annoying. i said yes. i really wish i didn’t because that’s not how i felt and i feel terrible because i still remember the look on your face from my response. i never thought you annoying- you were always funny to me. i don’t know why i said that. i guess i just didn’t know how to respond but that’s no excuse. i don’t knows it’s too late now, but just know that i’m really sorry. you never deserved that. you’re always so kind and considerate and i know you try to hide it but you always care about other people and how they feel and i’m sorry. maybe i’ll bring it up in person someday because this won’t be enough, but who knows.

i dont regret anything that happened but i cant help but feel like its changed things between us. i wish we could be like we used to be.

Maybe I still love you because of the fear of you dying and losing you forever and maybe it hurts a little more because you chose to leave me

I know I’m supposed to be the one distracting you from hurting, but you’re the one distracting me. Thank you

i love u sm but i’m scared to loose u. we’ve been through so much and at some point there’s gonna be a day where we won’t be present in each other’s lives and im just not ready for that. stay.

I still think about you, if you are doing okay or sleeping and eating well. All the memories of us that replay in my head bring me back to happier times. I never told you this but for a while, whenever I had anxious thoughts, I’d think back to that afternoon with you. In a crowd of people it was just you and me. I focused on your smile and laughter. It calmed me down. I know we don’t speak anymore, but regardless I hope you are able to learn and grow. And I hope you will always keep that strength and softness within.

It was hard to get over you cause you were the first I ever loved but now I'm at a point that I can see you and call you and know I don't want you anymore...because of you I am able to find the love I deserve with Christian so sayonara. thank you for the lesson in loving

Sabes que te amo un chingo y que siempre serás mi primer amor, no puedo sacarte de mi cabeza y me duele saber que nunca estaremos juntos pero si tú eres feliz con otra persona yo soy feliz por ver tu sonrisa :)

Me entere de todo.

Me duele fingir que de verdad te amo cuando no es cierto, se que me estas utilizando y que solamente me quieres por el amor que te doy. Espero que alguien te haga lo mismo para que sepas lo doloroso que es saber que la persona que amaste muchísimo te miente. Me caes mal

I always saw you more than a friend but you never saw me like that you always chose her over me all I ever wanted was a world where we ended up together but maybe in another dimension where together happily why couldn't it be this one i did everything for you all those times but they never got me anywhere it hurts when you talk to me and look me in the eyes and just see me as a sister i don't ever think i could see you in person it and look at those big brown eyes it would just make me fall in love with you more i lied about how i felt i told you i didn't have any more feelings that you were just like a "brother" to me that i was all a lie i love you even thought you'll never be mine

I hate that I still love you even though you left me I know it’s over but I just don’t want to let go

i really liked you since the start and honestly never stoped but never did anything abt it and i still wish i did but now u moved away so ig i cant

i really do still love you, it's just i'm not IN love with you. you'll always mean a huge deal to me and i'll always be here if you need me, you're just not who i want to be with anymore.

I miss you. I wish I didn't because you're an awful person and you never treated me right. But I wish I knew if you still thought about me.

I didnt want to delete your number the sad part is I knew you would have no idea - sweet snacks ni zagge

the first two weeks we talked were so amazing, our conversations were so rich and i loved every second, but then you stopped replying and forgot about me. i thought about you for months and you just moved on

it all started a few years ago but still until a few weeks ago i couldnt get u out of my head. i tried and tried and tried, nothing ever worked. sixth grade i liked u and u like me, for whatever reason idk. my sis brought us together and i still to this day regret telling her. then we dated. we broke up, it was shit anyway. then it came back. not my love for us but my love for u. everything about u made me forget the bad things. but u never cared, u never cared anymore, seventh grade. eight grade. on. i liked u. off. on. i liked u again. off. on i liked u Again. u got a girlfriend. off. hurt like a bitch. on. i liked u. u got a girlfriend. and another one. off. i liked someone else for once but only to forget u. didnt work. still thought of u. in the time u found a new girlfriend. again. but this one is fr. i dont like u anymore but i still value u. i will always always always care for u. whatever happens. u need me? ill be there in a sec. u need someone to talk to? im here. you may not have noticed but every moement, every glance, every touch, every word meant the world to me. i valued everything as my most prized posession. but i was wrong. you were never mine. it was only my heart that was yours. still is. breaking, breaking, breaking. nothing in the world can cure the cracks that u formed in my heart. i may look like i dont care anymore, but i do. its the little things. its the bacon and eggs u make urself each morning. its the always being truthful when none of ur 'friends' is around. its the always being concerned about something butnot ever showing it. its the being the kindest and most joyful person on earth but not around school. its the having the kindest eyes. softest smile. loveliest laugh. what else is there? everything, your love for your family. your hiding of secrets that make u u only to appear 'cooler' to others. its the knowing that they talk bad about u but not letting it get to u. its the being german. its our dads working for the same company. its the way you treat your girlfriend who treats u like shit. why could younever treat me like that. why could i never treat you like that. what happened joel? what did i do? what would've happened? now what i know is that ur happy, thats all i need rn, for u to be happy. make her happy. make urself happy. just never lose yourself to someone who isnt worth it. you hear me? never. ig thats it. actually no, ik you dont care anymore but hey, i loved you. i really did. it broke me seeing you with them. it broke me seeing you cry and go home when i broke up with u. it broke me to see you adored her but she couldnt care less about u. shes what you are to me. your first real love. i may not be yours, i may never have been, but i were mine, u always will be. take care joel will u? its time for me to say goodbye now. and i will. i already have. the moment i click send ur gone. i like someone else now. i really do and its gotten better and better. i have gotten better and better. yet, you are my first love. now its really time. goodbye.

You really took a part of me I can never get back. You didn't mean that much to me but you still somehow hurt me more than anyone before. I forgive you but I still continue to hurt. You completely ruined me. I try to continue to grow everyday but I always come back to that night. Am I enough? Seeing you hurts me, not knowing what happened constantly runs through my mind. I let you use me knowing what it would cause me. I know one day I will be fine but the end just doesn't seem near. I used you to try to feel better for myself but you used me worse. You took something from me and just see me nothing more than that. I didn't expect to get more from you, but the tiny part of me that did will forever remain dark. You changed something in me. The stupidity in me continues to try knowing I will never mean anything more. I know I am better than this, then you, but I am ruined. How do I mean completely nothing to you? I knew this could never work so why did I let it start. Letting you use me was one of my worse mistakes. What you thought wasn't much keeps me up at night. What you have probably not even thought twice about completely ruined any self confidence I had. It feels as if, what you took from me, you are the only one that can give it back. What I search for in you, you can't give me.

i thought it was love because i knew the freckles on your back and how your smile formed. you disagreed.

i love you. this feeling is so strange yet addictive. im just scared im going to lose you, i couldnt live with myself if i did.

I feel so bad about freshman year. I was scared of commitment and didn’t tell you. I wasn’t ready. I will never forgive myself. And it 100% wasn’t you. I didn’t see you as just a friend and my emotions getting confused. I liked you but I fucked it up.

i wish that i hadn't written you off so quickly. i didn't realise you liked me that much. i wonder what would have happened if the world hadn't shut down.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't feel confident in myself to know that you might of loved me. I just didn't understand why you couldn't talk to me. I loved you and thought you were the most amazing person on this planet so just don't understand why.
why I wasn't good enough.
I miss you and I can't stop thinking of you. I want you back so please just text me

Sé que no tuve el valor de decirte que aún sentía un poco de cariño hacia mi ex novio, te llene de ilusiones falsas, pero honestamente amaba tu compañía quizá no te veía como novio pero si como un amigo en el cual podía confiar mis problemas, sé que a futuro vas a brillar pues eres un excelente estudiante siempre sobresales en lo que haces deseo de corazón que hayas culminado el ciclo con las mejores calificaciones, cuidate y espero encuentres alguien que lo de todo por ti.

I don’t understand what happened but I thought we were having the best time ever. I thought that there was a chance that we were inseparable and could be something more. I believed I had found someone that would hold me in my dark times and tell me everything was going to be okay. I don’t get it though, I liked that you weren’t as ‘cool’ as the others when they smoke and shit but I thought you were different. I thought that you could maybe care eventually not just leave me on delivered or opened all the time. I thought we had a chance and I put so much damn effort in with nothing g in return. you were so so cute and everything I could ever want in my eyes, I wanted you hug apparently you didn’t want me, I didn’t even occur to be anything more than a stranger in your world.

your the first person I ever truly loved,but you kept going back to her. and I waited,but i stopped waiting cuz you went back.

you taught me how to love. you also taught me pain. as much as it hurts i would never take back any of the bittersweet memories. i will cherish them forever bc u were my first love.

i love you. i always will. and i have never stopped, so even when i don’t say it just know i do. but what happened to you? u literally used to say i love you to me every night :( here’s some questions for u: whyd u stop saying it:( im sorry for asking it but why? did u lose feelings already? if u did sorry i couldn’t make you stay. did i do something wrong? is it because of your friends? it keeps me up at night and i cant stop thinking about why you changed that fast. just fucking remember i was the one there for you and you did all that shit to me and i’m still here. i love you. - 19

Wtf did you do to me. Ive never been this happy around someone in year and i dont know how to handle it

Why do I feel like you get mad at me when I ignore you but it’s okay if you do . Are you mad bc I left you on read? I did it bc I didn’t want to bore you and I felt like you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. It sucks that I still think about you every day, I always check if your active or not . Why did you have to do that to me , I really hoped it was someone else not you . I really liked you a lot but ig you didn’t bc you moved on quick . I still miss you and I hope you do too. I miss us, I miss talking to you and smiling at your messages :(

You Mother Fucker taking advantage of girls and using them for their body and target the ones who seek love and is scared to get rejected ps. You have a small pee pee

i miss you every day even though it’s been almost two years since we broke up. i think about you every day — you’re still the best in the west

Tú siempre serás mi primer amor. No pudimos coincidir o ser algo más que amigos, pero tuve la fortuna de conocerte y compartir grandes momentos contigo, y me gusta pensar que tú también me recuerdas con afecto. Te deseo toda la felicidad del mundo. Y no sé, si existen otras dimensiones, tal vez en una de ellas estemos juntos.

I've barley slept, made myself sick from keeping awake and busy because I know the moment its quiet and still I'll shatter.

this is the same colour as your coat.
anyways,
the reason i think your great is because youre everything i want to be. clever, sweet, innocent and generally amazing. i am so incredibly jealous of you and your £200 north face coat.

Hi it’s me ,
I have always loved you but I think u know that.
I remember the first time I said it to you and you didn’t say it back,
It hurted so I didn’t said it again.
Until that day you suprised me with saying it to me for the first time,
I remember that I felt my heart beating in my chest.
Even though I never really met you in real life and even though u live almost next to me our phone calls and messages always put a smile on my face.
We never really were together and it’s sad that I always stayed my your side even though u left me most times to call with other girls.
It’s just that I can’t be with you but also not without you and when I try it’s always you who pulls me back into the same circle.
It’s toxic but also can’t I imagine a live without you.
But soon I wil let you go for real cause that wil be better for us .
And if we are meant to be we will meet again.


Love from me :)

Quisiera poder retroceder el tiempo para que podamos estar juntos. Quisiera poder ser más valiente para decirte que si!

when we were together you were toxic. now we're broken up and you're with a new girl and doing the same thing. I keep trying to tell her that she needs to get out of it but she's not listening. you tore me apart and it took so long for me to get back up on my feet again, and finally be happy. you forced me to do things with you, told me that you wished I lose all my friends, and I finally did and you still weren't happy. why am I not enough for anyone? why did you do this to me? I was blaming myself for so long but it's hard not to when I never got an apology for what you did to me. why couldn't you let me wait until I was 18. why didn't I leave when I knew you weren't going to give up. hell, why didn't I leave when I had a two week streak of crying every single night because of something you had said to me. you made me feel like I couldn't do anything right, and told me stuff like I was the reason you wanted to start smoking. called me cunt, slut, bitch and way way more. I really want an apology. I really really want measurement that I am enough. you hurt me so so bad. and when I finally got the courage to tell my friends that I got back after we broke up about what had happened, they expressed their hatred towards you and you just laughed and screen recorded the videos. please, don't break her as much as you broke me. I wasn't a sensitive person when I first started dating you, but you tore me down, and she is a sensitive person, so I can't imagine what you've done to her. I made this black because the relationship was so dark and it was the only colour I could think of that was associated with our relationship. anyway, love g ??

I’m in love with you and all you want to do is use me and i hate it and ur such a horrible person and i cant help the fact that I do love you and I only have eyes for you right now

You never broke my heart. i broke it by dealing with your shit. you dont hold that power! its not you, its me. I was to good for you and i deserve better byeee muah

I will always love you and I hope you know that. Although it shatters me that you will never love me in that way.

i hate the fact i forgave you so many times. you didn’t deserve me. or my love. yet again i don’t regret a single thing. you probably needed that loving in your life. i hope all is well from the bottom of my heart.

god i’m in love with you. no matter what it’s always you. i miss you a lot. i sadly can’t send this to you because i’m such a pussy but it’s okay. i love you

Hey i really miss what we had and even do i shouldnt because i was always your 2nd option and it really broke me when lied to me that i wasn't your 2nd option when you clearly got into a relationship with this girl, i moved on and spend days crying because i thought i wasn't enough....

I don't know exactly what I feel or what I want, but I believe that the love I have for you is real, because despite all the damage you caused in me, a part of my heart loves you and will always thank you for being with me. . In the time apart I thought of you, nights with hatred and nights with tears in my eyes questioning the reason for your actions and mine. I don't think I can forgive everything that happened but I hope I have peace and learn to live with it and that one day it won't hurt so much. I do not feel ready for a relationship, maybe you are the person but it is not the time, and if so, life will bring us together later with the same love in our hearts. I love you forever.

I don't know exactly what I feel or what I want, but I believe that the love I have for you is real, because despite all the damage you caused in me, a part of my heart loves you and will always thank you for being with me. . In the time apart I thought of you, nights with hatred and nights with tears in my eyes questioning the reason for your actions and mine. I don't think I can forgive everything that happened but I hope I have peace and learn to live with it and that one day it won't hurt so much. I do not feel ready for a relationship, maybe you are the person but it is not the time, and if so, life will bring us together later with the same love in our hearts. I love you forever.