Unsent messages to JAI

i love you so much you have no idea

can you get yourself together i’m tired of waiting

you will always be my best friend

I guess I’m in love with you again

I have so many things I want to tell you. Maybe one day I will.

you make fun of me for not moving out yet but do you know why it's hard for me to move on? its hard cause you've saved my life, cause you were the only one that believed in me when no one else would, you're the only person i've cared about this much... ill love you even if you don't love me back jj, i love you.

i know you've told me that you've moved on and i'm not mad at you for that. i'm mad because you're acting like we were never a thing.

everyday i catch myself thinking of you, wondering if you’re okay, if you still get those headaches all the time or if you still have trouble sleeping at night. i catch myself mindlessly smiling at a distant memory of you and it feels like i’m being stabbed. it doesn’t matter if i don’t love you anymore because you will always be somewhere in the back of my brain, hurting me with your silence. i don’t want to think about you anymore. you kicked me out of your head and i should be able to do the same. why can’t i fucking do the same.

why would you speak to me again. why would you ask me to speak to you like i normally would as if i could ever do that again. i’m afraid of you. it’s ironic because a few months back i was still on this same stupid website saying that you were the only person i wasn’t scared of but i am now. maybe terrified too. i already regret telling you about my relationship with them maybe you never wanted to talk to me you just wanted to make me be vulnerable again. i could call you names but what would that do? where would it leave me? i still loved you. i still have to live with that.

choose him because of his personality, his beautiful face, how much he makes me laugh, the way he cars about me, how he isn't a dickhead like the rest of the guys, how he understands me, becasue he's always been there for me, how sweet he is, how he always wants to make sure I'm okay, he's beautiful he makes me feel comfortable, he's my happy place, he makes me wanna live, I choose him cause he makes me feel safe just by texting with him, he doesn't judge me, the way he treats me, he's the definition of perfect, hard to explain but he feels like home, he takes care of me, he made me feel smth after a really long time. he's the one I think, how he makes me smile like a complete idiot and so much more

You wanna know what I'd do to you? I'd cuddle with you while watching a movie and I'll try my best to make feel safe. I'll make sure your happy, I'd go on cute dates with you, I'd do loads of things. And I'll try to keep you in my future because for me the most amazing thing that could happen is having you in my future. I love you and I miss you

Please don't replace me with Megan. I love u so much, please don't, Im already dying inside you're just making it worse but texting with my friends and saying they're cute and asking how old they are. Open your fucking eyes man I'm in love with you, what don't you understand? Please stay here and not with Megan, fuck Megan legit block her. Please. I love you. You're hurting me and making me cry a lot more jai. Just please come back to me I love you so fucking much. I thought I showed you how much I loved you. And how much you would hurt me if you replaced me yk. But if I was wrong. I don't believe that you ever loved me, cause if you did why would you leave me and start talking with Megan? Why? Why me jai HWY ME I FUCKING HATE YIY BRO FUCK OFF

Can I ask you something? can you stop lying to me please. I know you don't love me anymore so stop saying you do, or you can continue saying that you do and making me believe that you do. And I know that you don't or you do actually love me but i'm just not believing you cause I don't know how anyone can like actually love me and I don't deserve people being sweet to me or people loving me, I think i'm a bad person and I know that I am so I don't think you should be sweet to me or love me, I don't deserve it. Anyways, how was your day? (the colour is because he makes me feel like im at home when i talk/think about him) i love you

I love how you boost me. I love how willing you are to wait for me. I appreciate everything you are to me. But I am not emotionally ready for you. I’m so sorry I made you fall for me when I was falling for others. You truly deserve someone different from me that doesn’t play with your heart. Someone who matches your energy. Someone who is confident in themself and is everything you need them to be. I don’t think you fully realize your worth but I hope you will soon. You are truly a good person. I love how much you try to make me yours and even when i reject you, you still don’t give up. I do not deserve you. I do love you too but It’s honestly not in the way you love me. I appreciate you more than you will ever know though.

im not going to let you have this much power over me anymore because i know i’ve done everything i could and it will never be enough for you. it doesn’t matter how many different ways i try to apologize because you will always push me away. i was in a manic state and i did something wrong and i’ve begged and fucking begged again for you to even just try to understand that i know i’ve made a mistake but you completely refuse to have even the tiniest amount of human empathy for me. as much as i despise it my personality disorder will always be with me and i’m not going to let you or anyone else make me feel like the most evil person in this entire universe over something i’ve made myself accountable for and learned from. i really did love you and i will always keep you somewhere in my mind but you really can be so fucking awful. you know i still care immensely about you and you use it to make me remember over and over again that you feel nothing except hatred for me and im really starting to think that maybe it’s just amusing to you. you get to keep me waiting for as long as you want because you know i’ll always be there. you could’ve just told me goodbye just like i did but you wanted to give me false hope one more time. i will never regret loving you but from the bottom of my heart fuck you jaiden. i wouldve never guessed you could be this unfair.

none of my efforts matter and you will always shut me out and i will always be waiting here because i’m an idiot. i wish i could hate you as much as you hate me

i have to constantly tell myself that i’m not in love with you i’m in love with the version of you i made up in my head

i only want you to be happy. if thats with me or with someone else or with no one. i just want you to be happy.

it hurts me that you've given up on us. I don't think words can justify how much pain I'm in right now, I hope this gets easier for both of us.
I'm sorry I made you feel like you have to do this. just know that I love you with everything I have in me n I always will. you mean more than anyone ever has and I hope this isn't the end. I love you, j.d.

I know you gave up on us but I just want you to know that I love you with everything I have in me. I'm sorry for making you feel like you have to do this.

it’s silly to dwell over the past but i wish we could’ve taken the time to genuinely get to know each other as people before trying to let something else grow between us. i dont know if it would’ve made any difference in the way this came to an end but is it really so bad to just think about it?

if i let you know me, i wouldn’t have avoided speaking about having a personality disorder when i got diagnosed because i wouldn’t have been dreading your reaction. i vaguely mentioned it hoping you’d ask me about it but you never did and i never thought much of it, i assumed it would never become that much of an issue but that was a foolish way of thinking. maybe if i just had the courage to talk you about it before, you would’ve spared me some empathy or you would’ve decided to leave before it got bad.

if you let me know you, i wouldn’t have spent so much time wondering if i was only an option to you, someone you could leave for however long you wanted and never have to worry about me doing the same because i would always be there waiting for you. you tried to end it so many times but you always came back and confused me even more. i could never tell if you really saw yourself with me or if i was just an easy distraction.

we will be ghosts in each other’s life but i will forever hold onto the fact that you were the first person i was not scared of and the first person i genuinely loved. i will always miss you and i hope you’ll be happy wherever you end up.

i used to think you were really weird and an asshole and all around a bad person. since i started talking to you i’ve felt way happier. i’m so greatfull for you. words can not explain how perfect you are in every way. your precious smile, the way you look at me, the way you're so gentle around me and how you always know when im sad & find a way to comfort me. you make me feel safe when you hold me. i think i might be in love you

this colour reminds me of you. and as for those 3 words, i don't say them back cause ik it will be harder if one of us leaves.

you are my world, you showed me i was more than my body, and worth my soul, you show me i’m loveable and i can make someone happy, i want to be with you everyday, i love you truly and with my whole heart, i can’t believe you settled for me but you make me want a future and i love you.

i feel like u think im mad at u and im not. Its just what u did was disrespectful and effected how i see u as a person.

I love you and honestly I don’t think there will be a time where I don’t. I just wished you had the same amount of love for me as I have for you. You are like coming up for fresh air after being suffocated for years. You are absolutely amazing. I just wish you felt the same way.

hi. the other night was fun. the moon is shining into my window like i told you it would. dont forget me. please.