Unsent messages to ALICE

i know i said i was signing off but i just have a couple of things I feel are imperative to say before i can leave you and this hellsent project to rest.

(1) you were never (EVER) a problem. if anything it was the converse. you were always so patient with me - even when i was being a stupid lil rat - and ik it’s cringe central but you were and are my favourite person in this stupid universe. i hope my fuckery didnt reinforce any of your bad thoughts also,, bc the way you care for people makes you so easy to love and talk to, it would undoubtedly be exceedingly difficult for anyone that really knew you to leave, even if you still believe otherwise.

(2) youre prolly wondering why i was anonymously cyber bullying you here in the first place,, which i promise i wasn’t really! well, I mean.. but anyways, so ive been using this stupid lil domain for a couple years to voice all my intrusive and difficile thoughts bc i don’t like leaving them in my brain and seeing them exist somewhere real makes me feel like they’re not my responsibility anymore. I don’t know. it sounds awfully stupid now i try to explain it but what im trying to say i guess is that all the bad things you read weren’t really me, they were the lil demons that crawl into my head at night time. not to excuse/justify them or undermine their cruelty and effect in any way, as i can not apologies enough for what you must of gone through reading my shitty excuses for thoughts and if i knew you would ever have read them i would never ever ever ever ever have written them.

(3) i recognise i fucked up big time and know you don’t owe me anything and friendship is impossible. i will do my up most best to not make this anymore difficult for you and let you be. I just don’t think I could of lived with myself having not at least tried to voice some of these points. It really really was lovely to have known you, and if you ever find yourself in trouble please don’t forget I’m just a phone call away.

always



Zach B

sorry the last one was a bit harsh. I just miss when we were together, I know it’s been two years but those songs still remind me of you.

music is very important to me. we had this conversation. respect my feelings however irrational you might find them it literally doesn’t fucking cost you ANYTHING to just try and be considerate.

fuck you. sometimes you just get on every single one of my fucking nerves. laws of unattainable. bullshit. i dont want to be your friend. i don’t even think I like you anymore. you’re not special. I don’t want you anymore.I just want you to leave me alone without feeling guilty.
you’re not my problem or responsibility.

i don't fucking know if i miss the friendship or just having u in my fucking life, fuck u i don't fucking care anyways i just want u to be happy even if it's without me , u fucked me up

this is such bullshit. like i know i did some fucked up things the last couple years but this character development bs needs to stop. im evicting you from my brain, this is your prewarning. get oUt. LEavE. you have a fucking BOYFRIEND. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Why Do I Wanna B yoUr bOyfriEnd aHHHHHHHHHHH. STOP DREAMING ABOUT HOLDING HER hAnD AHHHHH. FucK fUck. why why why. why him over me, is there something wrong with me? no? yes? probably??? if I met you before.,. if I was more aggressive in pursuing you. ugh I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know.

I’m so sorry that you fell in love with me. I’m sorry i fell into the darkness and neglected you. I ruined your first chance with anyone. And i cant fix that.

lol ik you hate me, but I hate u more cuz u gave me an ED and sh problems but I never told anyone cuz I didn’t want people to be mean to you, sad you told everyone all my secrets❤️

hey alice,, if you ever find my notes on here... pls understand i was really orbiting empty space and just wrote and pressed submit. they are cringe central so bring them up EVER and i will throw myself off the closest cliff :)

it’s been years, but i still haven’t gotten over that night. i should have asked you- why did you sleep next to her?

we have met before. i'm sure of it. the connection i feel to you is beyond this lifetime. i hope you feel it too.

I told you to fucking stop and that you were making me uncomfortable but you still kept going. Even if you did that I still don't want to leave you.

I’m glad you got to move on but damn you left ruins of my heart in your wake and you didn’t even care to say I’m sorry

I wish I could tell you how much I genuinely am in love with you without destroying the friendship we built. I wish I knew if you felt the same. But I can’t afford to take the risk and lose one of my closest friends. I love you.

When we r in school I can't tell if u like me or hate me. Everytime I try and get the guts to talk to u you always seem so annoyed.everyone always says your supposed to be rly nice or something. I just can't get the courage to talk to you. I'm sorry

Ummm where to start ,,so happy and joyful but ahaha empty. God damnit u make me sooo happy but u also seem to have the power to make me miss u deeply. Idk if ur heart has ever acked but it hurts so bad. Ur chest tightens and your heart rate start to pick up ,,all u want to do is crawl underneath a blanket and cry till ur chest loosen and that's what I try to do. But then I see the next day and it feels like I don't even have the power to look u in the eyes without crying and asking BEGGING,what do I have to do to be in ur mind on ur mind. When u have to do something for my name to be at least one of the first to come into ur mind,but it's clear I don't even make it into the top 5 ,that's me trying so desperately to be what u wsnt in a best friend. It's probably bad to try and push something like that but u don't even trust me ahaha. I remember meeting u and it was practically instant realisation of damn this person is beautiful inside and out. Ngl crying a little righting this ,,who knows maybe in the new year I will be able to be more honest to u about how much u mean to me,,I wouldn't expect that to change anything but this constant tug of war of damn this person is perfect, to hmm maybe I feel this special connection with this person is actually a warning to stay away. U seem to have made me the happiest and safest person to live,thank you for the gd times but idk there's to many times Ive gotten left out, to not get a little offended. You are truly fantastic ,I've told myself over and over leave her don't talk u will be more happy but one hey hru and I'm caught again. The feeling of being happy,even if it's for a little while it's addicting and it's seems like u r one of the only people can as easy as that make it happen.aha fuck. Basically I have this feeling that I can't name because I don't no what it is , probably love, and Idk how to talk to u. Plz don't forget me I exciset ,, unfortunately if J could cease to do so I would. Therefore no pain for anyone left alive ,sorry got off track there umm we will see what happens in the new year ahaha ahh I hate it ,,love it's so confusing and fucked up and unfair. Have a gd one, and be a little more confident cuse I no how truly brillant u r :):

you know the poppies in flanders field are in decline now? a tragedy really,, sacrifice(?) dignity(?) hate(?) controversy.

I’ve told pretty much everyone about it now and am feeling better. I’ll be completely over by the end of the week i think. i dont know if I will want to stick around though. its complicated but,
i do not crave to write you war and peace; not to say i do not wish i was tolstoy, bc sometimes that is all i aspire.

my name is just all the fitting now i guess. the fox that chose freedom over friendship. forsaking imprisonment for demise. let’s hope i don’t cross all those borders though :)


a final question though,, of the burning buildings, the rubble, and of the dead and the dying. those who remain under the declining poppies with their mouths unhinged and wide, gaping the question.

why(?)

not making a big deal promise! but hope this day’s a bit better than the others ?

(idc if its obvious now, come fight me innit)

i was thinking it over today.

im not saying it’s at all your fault (because it definitely isn’t) but, there were defined moments where you slipped up and led me on.

i won’t patronise you. you knew i liked you and yet you never put your foot on the breaks,, for what?

validation?

idc, it doesn’t matter now. I hope you’ve learnt.

please dont hate me. its pathetic i know. but what else can i do? it took a while to process but now it won’t let me b. i cant stop crying. it’s so fucking pathetic. i just wish i could fucking manage but i cant.











i just wish i hadnt of said a thing.

Hello alice I jsut wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and what you have done to me you've made me a lot happier but I'm sure you dont know that love you

i dont know whats scarier to think about
the implications of what i said, your response, or what wouldve happened if you had said you liked me too.

firstly, im sorry, i was in a manic episode and feeling destructive. not to say what i said was without verifiability. because i do really like you, a lot. but, its not constant,, like the steam on my window panes (!) perhaps it was more of an attack on the void, every other thought this week was cowardice. all flesh is grass and i am indeed mowing my lawn. an attack on the transitory (?) no, im giving myself far too much credit. perhaps it was purely destructive,, i really don’t know where it came from but theres no altering the past,
albeit if i could take it back i would.

secondly, im sorry (again) because my message was a bit of a quagmire. whatever way you went would’ve made you sink somewhat,, personally, I think you chose the best option and am pretty content. nothing is lost i hope, but also,, i think,, well i wonder,,, what would you have said if i had said i wanted to date you, if i put all my metaphorical cards on the metaphorical table (?) all or nothing. i think the answer would have been the same probably. perpetual and indifferent (!)

finally, thank you,, your response was coherent and calming. a slight shot to the foot but who needs toes anyways (!) i am a little afraid,, bc it didnt bother me at all. making me feel like maybe ive just been confused this whole time, or maybe i just knew your answer all along,, or maybe im just a sick fuck who can only find joy in their own suffering,,,, and that’s on sadomasochism ! (((not in the sexual way pls pls let’s not misinterpret here))). but anyways,,,,, if you read this please don’t ever tell me,, this is just my lil therapy to order my thoughts a little.

i love you always.

. good evening, good afternoon, and goodnight .

i really like you
. but i know it would b selfish of me to tell you so im jusr gonn sit here and cry. nd wish . I was h im and that i had a hold over my ownn fuckin hed

i knew u cheated that’s so funny you’re actually gross and at least i don’t care coz i don’t love u and never did x

they told me I have to open my hands if i want to be held, but my fists still remain balled.
instability is sort of cosy you know, an extra duvet to dispel the dark and chase the cold,, i think i love you.

smashing my face against the wall again and i dont want to have to wake up this time. I hate myself and I dont want to ever let go. I can’t even fucking talk about it. the only love i was taught was silent, so i find equanimity in your empty hands that refuse to hold me,,

orbiting empty space.

i hate all that i write,,,. continuity, perpetuity, temporary victory. I fucking hate it I hate It I hate It I hate it
I just want you to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Is that selfish? I don’t care about anything else. I just want you to hold me. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

i had a dream we took a nap together, nothing sexual,, just sharing space.

i played with your hair and you read this book about growing tomatoes (?) to me.. ok im sorry i really have no clue what that part was about...

but anyways,,, it was maybe a pretty nice dream,,,, and i maybe woke up blushing,,,, and i maybe wished it was real,,,,

maybe you would’ve wished it were true too (not the tomatoes part) ((ok Ik you’re still thinking about the tomatoes so you better fuckin stop it and think about napping with me instead))

if you knew how much i'd be dying to give you another chance, even though you tore my heart into pieces

I miss you ever day and i truly hope that we'll meet one day. I cry constantly thinking about my love for you.

idk if im in love with you or not I just know that I want to kiss you more than anything in the world, I want to be in your arms even just for a second

You deserve everything. I admire you so much for always being strong for all of us - you are a real inspiration. I know it gets heavy sometimes but please know that whenever you need to lean on someone, I've got you covered. Thank you so much for everything. :)

its nights like these that i almost find the courage

but rejection wouldnt hurt half as much as losing a friend

so if you do somehow feel the same, im sorry for not saying anything

FUCK YOU! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GET INVOLVED! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THERE TO TAKE THINGS AWAY FROM ME! UR A MESSED UP LITTLE BITCH AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!

I want to be yours. I know you know and I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear but please, give me a chance.

you were 18 i was 14. you took advantage of me and for that i will never forgive you. i’ve grown so much. i will never forget you.

whoever posted the joy again song, this is for you.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7cZgEGNaWyjrWGPK6VjGLU?si=rxcRTcq4QXSgFGfhdJHdeA

If I could go back to the moment in the car, I would've changed my answer to yes. I should've been with you.

No matter how many times we part ways, we always find a way back to each other. Those feelings never went away.

i think i like the way you look at me, daring.. almost? testing the limits. you always laugh at my jokes, even when they are terrible.

why?

sometimes you can be stubborn and glorify your problems, i dont think i could ever love you, but thinking of you helps me get to sleep sometimes... maybe im in denial? or maybe love just isnt for some people. some people, being me. god, that makes me sound like some individual nazi. lOvE aInt fOr pEoPle LikE mE,,, built : different,,, i can hear you laughing now!!! leave me alone !!!!!!!!

i wish you would ask me if i was okay, sometimes it feels like you don’t care. indifference, pretermit, apathy, ignorance, i dont care. it hurts.

i understand now why people often leave you, if i didnt have my friends checking in on me i would probably leave you too,,,

my bad habit is searching, through all these submissions, for you.

its stupid (i know) but sometimes i question the improbability that you might also be searching for me.

if so, here i am. you’ve found me. i always write in tan, despite my favourite colour being yellow.

i don't really sleep much now, and lately i've been laying awake staring at the sky, thinking of what it might be like...
didn’t know i was even capable of blushing

so, here’s a few things i needed to say:

i don’t want to get scared and leave, and that freaks me out because i’m an expert at just... running away.

cutting you out really hurt (even if i say i cope better alone) but you shouldn’t have to listen to that stuff. i wait until i’m back to normal so you won’t be sad.

damn this is probably the longest note by far but it’s 4am and i have zero chance of sleeping if i don’t get it out.

i know it’s selfish to ask this but just wait a little while longer.
you’re.. precious, i guess, and i’m trying my best to be careful with you.


ps, you should really see the stupid grin when your name pops up on my phone :)

she used casual cruelty to justify our ends. but what of the means, did they not matter too? falling asleep to her favourite songs i dream. she picks the leafs off of my favourite plants, why does she spite me? falling from ceiling tiles and i am afraid. asbestos. why is there lead in these walls? didnt anyone tell you of the dangers of make belief? falling out of touch and i am alone. stars, scars, and the sea. looking at her now and i think i know why, she doesn’t want to change the world, she wants to save it. “may i talk with you?” she didnt want to talk, she was off to look at the world, “but” she said, “you can come and looked at the world with me” and so i did. and i think i found an answer. life is to fall, and perhaps i will always be falling. I wouldn’t mind, if it meant, falling. for. You.

I wish I could disappear. I’m so sorry I cant help you. I cant even help myself. you deserve an anchor but im afraid i am only anathema. you deserve better. im sorry.

Sei stata il mio primo amore e qualsiasi cosa io dica su quello che siamo state sembra banale. Manchi sempre e mancherai sempre.
Eleonora

happy halloween you silly goose. i wish you would call me sometime. maybe in our next lifes things will work out more in the way i think i wanted. but for now, bon nuit et bon chance -

Thank you for making me realize that I’m gay. It’s too bad we don’t talk anymore. I hope you’re okay.

my conscience HATES you. like it’s so awful my thoughts portray you as a hypocritical, stubborn, over sensitive, uncompromising BITCH and nothin i do has any apparent affect. one day im going to accidentally snap at you and it will be AWFUL. i try to overcompensate being nice to you but now im worried you think i like you. honestly, thats probably a preferable stance. my sardonicism enjoys it far too much. you probably wonder why i think of myself so terribly, well one day you are bound to find out, and when that day comes, dont even try to reason, just leave, for both our sakes.

I love you, and I think I always will. I don’t know if the whole “soulmates” thing is real but if it is the you are definitely mine. I know that the timing isn’t right and things are complicated but i still find myself wanting you none the less. Remember, if you ever need someone to cry to current joys with then I will always be here for you

I love you, and I am certain that I always will. I don't know if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you are definitely mine. I Want this to last and I know that the timing isnt right but I still find myself wanting you none the less. And if you ever need someone to cry with to current joys then I'm always here for you.

I love you, and I am certain that I always will. I don't know if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you are definitely mine. I Want this to last and I know that the timing isnt right but I still find myself wanting you none the less. And if you ever need someone to cry with to current joys then I'm always here for you.

I love you, I always will. Idk if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you're definitely it. I know that things are complicated rn but I'm willing to wait. And whenever you want to cry to current joys I will always be here for you.