Unsent Messages

i dont know whats scarier to think about
the implications of what i said, your response, or what wouldve happened if you had said you liked me too.

firstly, im sorry, i was in a manic episode and feeling destructive. not to say what i said was without verifiability. because i do really like you, a lot. but, its not constant,, like the steam on my window panes (!) perhaps it was more of an attack on the void, every other thought this week was cowardice. all flesh is grass and i am indeed mowing my lawn. an attack on the transitory (?) no, im giving myself far too much credit. perhaps it was purely destructive,, i really don’t know where it came from but theres no altering the past,
albeit if i could take it back i would.

secondly, im sorry (again) because my message was a bit of a quagmire. whatever way you went would’ve made you sink somewhat,, personally, I think you chose the best option and am pretty content. nothing is lost i hope, but also,, i think,, well i wonder,,, what would you have said if i had said i wanted to date you, if i put all my metaphorical cards on the metaphorical table (?) all or nothing. i think the answer would have been the same probably. perpetual and indifferent (!)

finally, thank you,, your response was coherent and calming. a slight shot to the foot but who needs toes anyways (!) i am a little afraid,, bc it didnt bother me at all. making me feel like maybe ive just been confused this whole time, or maybe i just knew your answer all along,, or maybe im just a sick fuck who can only find joy in their own suffering,,,, and that’s on sadomasochism ! (((not in the sexual way pls pls let’s not misinterpret here))). but anyways,,,,, if you read this please don’t ever tell me,, this is just my lil therapy to order my thoughts a little.

i love you always.

. good evening, good afternoon, and goodnight .