Unsent messages to NATALIE

the chemistry we’ve had since we became friends in freshman year is insane, it even scared me how fast i trusted you. but i’m so glad i did, i wouldn’t trade you for the world. thank you for sticking around this long (kiss me? haha jk idk i’m nervous..)

you're the first good friend ive had in a while besides deja, i don't show it a lot but i really do appreciate you:) you always make me giggle like a freak and i feel like we have a lot in common (i was hoping to make this mysterious but ur gonna know its me anyways i love you very much lets kiss sometime again lol???)

From the first moment I launched upon that black and white backpack at stone you were cemented in my mind and the fact that we went so long with out talking and interacting is so crazy considering where we are at now. I would look at you when you came into señora Hoganson’s room and would always check you ouch and be jealous or you know who but the fact that we are where we are now make me believe in patience to wait this long to find the person I want to be with for the rest of my life is nothing short of a movie. I FUCKING LOVE YOU MOO MOO!!!

Ugh you’re so dumb. Why do you push away others? You always say it’s because you are “emotionally unavailable,” I highly doubt that. I hate you so much you left me like nothing. I waited for you for so long and nothing. I hope you suffer the way you made me suffer. I miss the old you.

I wish you weren’t so far away. I know you don’t know if you like me yet. We haven’t talked in a while. I still ly. I haven’t had something so real in so long. You changed that .

hey nat! i'm so sorry. i haven't been a good friend and we have been a little distant recently. i love you.

My love, you mean so much to me, more than I can put into words. You will never leave me and even though we'll never meet again in this life not a day goes by where I don't think about you.

you know, throughout our relationship i loved thinking that you may be the one. the one that was truly made for me, and that i was made for you, and it was meant to be. but now i know i was just lying to yourself. i've always thought the saying ''you have to love yourself before you love somebody else'' was stupid and silly, but now that i've experienced it i'm proud to say i was stupid, and foolish. our love was never true love. i didn't love you as a partner, and it was my fault for leading you on for so long. i wish i could've told you earlier. maybe it would've ended another way; but i know i regret everything now. from meeting you to becoming a stranger again. it was never meant to be. it was never fate. it was just 2 teens being foolish with eachother; and loving too hard for their own good. we were both stupid. our love was always a flameless, flickering fake love.

i used to stay up with you and i always thought to myself “who needs stars when we got you” i love you

ily queen. you are the strongest girl in the world. you deserve every ounce of happiness. thank you for being you.

I really was in love with you for a moment, although I doubt you’ll ever know it. You may have even felt the same, but your messages were just too mixed for me. I really hope they’re worth it, and I hope you don’t get lead on again.

Everyday, whenever we talk I feel as If there Is something there, I keep myself up all night wondering “maybe there is something between us and we’re both scared to say” I don't know what to do. I miss you so much , whenever I see the same car as yours I quickly turn my head to see If It has those same stickers on the back, Whenever I see a brown haired person I automatically think it’s you, I search for you in a crowd, and sometimes I get a wift of your “scent” from something and It hurts. I hope one day I tell you I hope whenever I do it’s not too late.

i hope you take care of yourself. the first person i loved, it feels like. you were not the first to change on me, but you'll be the last.

i wish you would stop caring about what everybody thinks of you and realize how beautiful you are inside and out. i hope soon you come to terms with your issues and move past them.

you don't understand how much i fucking love you i would do anything for you, im sorry im bad at expressing my feelings but your the only person i really opened up to, you dont think i care for you but your the only thing thats keeping me alive. i love you nat :))

i wish i could of made you believe how stunning you were before you ran off. i remember the nights when i would stay up crying and begging you to believe me that you were the most beautiful person i had ever laid my eyes on. i promise i will always be waiting. i miss you darling

I hate that you like the way i dress. I hate that you see yourself in me. I hate your mum. I love you but I dont think i like you anymore.

I miss you sometimes. I still look at your friends social media accounts just to see if you look like you're doing alright.

You’re a brain tumour but I love you with all my heart, you are truly my best friend and I think of you everyday

why did you have to do that to me? why did you get to hurt me beyond repair at such a young age and continue on like nothing ever happened? i'm broken and it's your fucking fault. i hate you, i fucking hate you. i wish we never met.

what am i supposed to say? i'm not good with these types of things. come over. wear that eyeliner more. kiss me again. i love you

i would text you but i wouldnt know what to tell you cause i am so angry with you and myself because i don’t understand why i still love you

Honestly, I don't miss you. But I miss the person I thought you were. You saved me a bunch of times and you made me feel loved, only to turn on me in the end. I don't understand how you can call me fake and walk around like it means nothing. Whatever you did to me, I wouldn't ever think about doing to you. I hope you realize one day that you lost a loyal friend. I'd like to know how I'm fake, especially compared to whoever you are.

Hey girl. Do you ever think of me? I am happier on my own, due to me (not you.) Just wish we could have found a way to be happy together. Say hello to a little red bird!

I love you. I will love forever. Your my world. Whenever I look in to your eyes I am getting lost. Whenever you speak my heart melts. I just wanna be with you. You make me happy. I love you.

I know you'll never be mine but I love you. I love your smile, your nose, the fact that you just make me happy even if you're not with me.

Hey I'm not talking to you right now. But I really really miss you. I wish I could talk to you right now. I love you so much. You would know the right thing to say. It seems like everything hurts right now. I hope you are doing ok. I hope your finals go really well.

I can't be around you anymore, it hurts my heart knowing you're in love with someone else when i'm the one you should be with.

i still love you,i wish i didnt but i do. i told everyone about you, do i regret you? no. did you make me feel unspeakable pain? absolutely. i left not cause i loved you any less but because you made me feel as though i was anything but whole. i would go back to you but you have someone else now, i hope they make you happy. i wished you the best in life, i’m so jealous that you’re happy without me. i thought you were my other half, i thought you felt the same. apparently not. i really wish i could i hurt you, but i know that i would never want you to feel my pain, because it hurts more than anyone thinks. you were my sunrise the reason to get up in the morning, thank you for showing me that i can love someone that much, i love you more than life

you pushed me away even though i loved you more than i loved myself. i was gonna stay.but you ruined it

I love you with my whole heart. you are one go my best friends. but it is so damn hard to be with you all the time. I am no wear near as pretty and constantly being compared to how pretty you are is so damaging. I could say that I am the second choice but even that's not true. when we are together and you catch guys eyes I fade into the background. you ares so insecure but when you point them out my own insecurities expand. like if you hate that about yourself what does that make. Im sorry if getting compared to famous celebrities is getting annoying. I will always listen to you complain about yourself. but I truly don't think you understand how hard it is for me. its gotten to the point to wear there is not one single thing about myself that I like. not one damn thing. my body is bigger. my face is not as even. my hair is frizzy and unruly. my nose and proportions are horrendous. and I never truly noticed until you pointed them out on yourself. but we are all entitled to our insecurities. and I know its not your fault but its just so damn hard sometimes.

hey natalie, i miss you like hell. it's been over a year since we ended things and months since we texted, and when we do text, you're distant like a stranger. i miss us. you loved me so much and i loved u just as much. u said u wanted to spend ur forever with me. what happened to that?

Why you ghosted me? I thought u were my best friend. You forgot bout my bday. U are stranger to me now.

I think you don't love me anymore or I don't deserve you. I am jealous all the time, got mood swings. I'm just annoying. I think your friends are better for you than me. I feel like I'm not enough, like I am too stupid for you. You feel much better with J & S and I can see this. I see you are happier when you are texting or meeting with them. I'm just dumb bitch. Idk what can I add. It's stupid. I wish I was special but I am just fat, ugly, stupid and depressed shit. I'm not on your and yr friends level. I just I can't believe you really love me, I am not that person who somebody would fall for. I want to die so bad. I am fucking baggage for you, my mom, sister, grandparents. I can see they hate me. I am big dissapointment for them. I hate my life so bad, I hate myself. I think If you would leave me and find someone better it will be good for you, really. I am shit.

I know we're not as close as we used to be but I'm forever grateful for u. I hope when things get back to normal we can get closer

Things have been strange for both of us lately but I hope you know that I still want to be with you. I'll wait as long as I need to because I feel like we're meant to be. You might be reading this and you're prob thinking this is super corny but it's how I feel and I can only hope you feel the same.

i don’t understand our friendship because you have hurt me over and over again but you say you love me

i liked u the moment i met u. you literally blew me away. it's been years since we met and i feel like we're still not even friends, and i wish i could change that but i'm scared to initiate anything with you. when the pandemic is over, maybe we can hang out more often. wishing you the best beautiful

I'm sorry I'm never you're first choice and i'll try every day to make myself better for you. I constantly feel like our friendship is one sided. Like yes you're my 7 year long best friend but you never reciprocrate the same energy i do towards this whole thing between us. I'm sorry if think i'm not good enough and yet again i'll always try to make myself fit into your standards

i'm still getting a truck just for us to cuddle in the back of it & to drive to McDonald's at 4 am & 3 states over

hi. its been a while since we talked. and tbh i miss you so bad. even tho i hate you at the same time. you ruined me so much that i cried myself to sleep every single night. how pathetic i was to actually believe you that you loved me. now all i think of is the time that we were close to each other. i hate to think about it but i somehow have to. i keept on thinking its my fault, even tho i know it isnt. you broke me. its been 4 months already. do you still miss me? because i do. so bad. you were my bestfriend, a soulmate. i thounght i'd never lose you but now? i want to forget about you but i know that someday ill think of these times again. i lost two people in my life that i never wanted to lose and youre one of them. i love you but fuck you. dont talk to me ever again. it doesnt make sense i know. but thats just how i feel. and i cant change it. you have new friends, even a bf. if i could go back to the day we met i would never get out of bed. i felt like shit and i still do. was i not good enough for you? what did i do wrong? it hurts so bad that you basically called me a strager after all we've been throuhg. youre still friends with anne, right? youre like bffs. and it sometimes upsets me that you talk to her. im scared youll do the same things to her that you did to me. dont ever. if you have to at least talk to her about it. dont just disappaer like you did. you never loved me did ya? i was so stupid. i hate to believe i actually thought you werent honest.it says i should write a message to my first love. and even tho youre not one, i still consider you as a big part of my life. you showed me that i have to be careful about befriending woth anyone else. im scared that people i love will do the same things you did to me. when you came back from the hospital i broke. i cried so bad cuz everyone missed you and thought i would be happy about it. i could even write properly. i wish i could end it earlier. i hope you know you did this and i hope you know its your fault. no, not yours. ours. i should've been a better friend to you. in the end maybe its just my fault? or maybe i just overthink stuff to much. i dont know. that would be it for now. we'll see how ill feel in like a year. bye i guess. burn in hell.

I didn’t realize how i wanted to be more than friends in middle school and i still miss you sometimes

Hey i miss you a lot. Its been a lot since we talked. I miss hanging out with in our classes. My favorite class to hang out with was health. Yeah I wished I could go back to those days. So if been meaning to tell you something for a long time. I'm in love with you i don't know if you put a fucking love potion on me something cause it actually feels like that. I know it sounds weird cause were both girls. Not gonna lie im actually in love with you. I remember how I knew. I got on bus and I was just thinking about you. I was asking myself why does she make me so happy? Why do you make feel special? Why do I always smile when I see you? Why when im down and you come talk to me im happy? And I was asking my self why and then i saw to my right where the window was and I'm not lieing at all. The only thing I could see like everything was blurry the only thing I could see was you. And then I smiled and said cause I'm in love with you. Your the only person i think about. When someone tells me who like your the only person that pops in my mind. But of course I say i dont like no one. I wished for real I could text you this for real. I love you natalie

Not going to lie, it hurts thinking of us. But I kind of regret it but I miss you sort of. I hate that it seems like I want you because of clout but its because you're different

I miss you. I miss knowing I always had a friend to talk to. Knowing you would sit with me at lunch. Knowing we would make time stop when we were together.

What I don't miss is wondering if I was making us up. For the past year I have had you in the back of my mind. Especially recently knowing that there is a chance we can see each other again. I am scared that in our time apart I have been remembering something that never existed. I wonder if you feel how I feel. I would do anything to go back to just the two of us in the mountains. No service to distract us from each other. Just us and nature.

If there is one thing I could tell you right now, it would simply be thank you. Thank you for being there for me like no one else was. Thank you for making the perfect summer better than I could describe. Thank you Natalie.

I wish you didn't do what you did we would still be together if you didn't I miss you and I hate it because I shouldn't miss you but I love you

fuck dude every day i become more and more aware that we just won’t end up together again, and now i’m living through a different kind of helplessness. this kind is heartbreaking, yes, but also exhausting. it’s exhausting because i’m stuck. not only am i stuck wanting you, but i’m also stuck wanting to want you. i don’t wish i was over you and i don’t want space from you. i absolutely hate being the kid who just gets sad about a girl all the time, but i like liking you more than i hate that.

I know it's really difficult for you right now, but I feel that we're meant to be when you're ready. I'll wait :)

Thank you for holding me when i cried for minor things. I can now laugh at myself but also remember your steady hands to get me through hard moments.

There’s this quote from this song and it says “if I can take us back if I could just do that and write in every space the words I love you on replace” that’s what I want to do with you I love you and I still do and please just be with me for the rest of my life pick me to be there when you’re sad