Even if I wanted to hate you, I couldn't. You'll always be important in my life. The Oliver of my Elio who broke my heart and was my first love.

I’m sorry I failed you. I mistook wanting to be friends for loving you as I was in a bad place and hurt you.

I regret how the end went down. I would do anything to be able to talk to you again but I know you hate me now and I deserve it. I should have been better and more understanding. I miss you so much. The daisy seeds you gave me are growing well but it hurts to look at them sometimes.

i’m so in love with you. stupid love songs keeps reminding me of you. it’s so strange really. i wonder how much you think about me, because i sure do think about you the whole day loser. i’m so proud to belong to you. i’ll never let you go. i’ll annoy you as much as i won’t and bother you. i’ll also get easily annoyed when you talk about other girls hmp. because i like you so much. i hope you don’t think that’s weird HAHAAHHA. nahhh, it’s not weird at allll. i love you kathleen murphyyyy. if you’re reading this, say it back :)

I don’t know if i could put into words how much you actually hurt me i loved you so much and with a simple text it was gone. you spent so long complaining about how your ex dumped you over text only to do the same thing to me. i cried for days to the point of throwing up i lost 10 pounds because i couldn’t bring myself to eat i dreamt of you nonstop one week you loved me so much and i was the best girlfriend you’ve ever had and the next week you hated me because i wanted to talk to you because i was hurt i’m not pathetic or obsessed i was heartbroken and in love but maybe those are the same thing to you i can’t listen to harry styles anymore because it hurts to much and i almost have a panic attack every time i see a blue mustang like yours and you don’t care we are strangers again and to you i’m just a mistake I hope Santa Cruz is treating you well i miss you it’s been five months and the pain still feels fresh

ou’re a mess made up of absurd things. A tangle of complexities. I know that and with that thought in mind, I would still shout from across the street, “I love you” ignoring the crowd between us.

And I used to think I fell in love by habit, but now because of you, I have realized it’s a choice.

Because a tangle of complexities you are. A mess of absurd things, you are. The most peculiar person I have ever met. The most peculiar person that my heart decided on.

And I’ve always found it strange, and even annoying how I can’t give you a simple gift without you returning something twice as much.

And I know you get scared when you see others provide something you can’t. You keep pouring and pouring till you yourself are left parched and empty. And once you’re so void, you go into hiding. And you could go away for hours and hours, but still come back. A cycle that I know that if I wait enough you’ll turn around and be your bright self again.

Because I’ve always loved your vulnerable state. I found it the prettiest. How strange it is for someone to seem so strong in their own feet against any complication, just to fall apart. Your flaws and past that you open up to me may seem like it's not that important, but it is.

Because let me tell you that I too could be the most complex mess sometimes.. I too could hide away for hours or days. My past and flaws could keep me from not loving you enough some days or just completely shut myself.

But I’ll always come back to my bright self again and love you unconditionally. That’s why if I could fall in love with you again, I wouldn't. I don't just wanna love you. You’re too complex and a mess of absurd things to be that simple. I wanna grow into you. Learn your past and flaws and vulnerabilities. I want you to cry when it's just the two of us in a dark room without feeling like I’ll run away.

I'll keep running along your side till we're both parched and become an even bigger absurd mess and complexities.

♪ “toodoo” - the tellers ♪
-ill start putting songs you can listen to on loop while reading if you ever find these in the future :)

Your better half. It doesn’t have to be a romantic interest really, but obviously it is. Do they make you a better person? Do YOU make them a better person? Isn’t that so corny, but it makes sense.

Writing these, it reminds me of all the stupid little things I’ve done. Double checking every photo just to make sure I looked pretty or decent enough to send to you. Spritzing one last of my perfume so that I would smell decent enough for you not to run away HAHAHA. Picking up all the clothes off my bedroom floor before you sneak in at 11 pm, even though we somehow make it even worse- Backspacing my texts and rewriting it again because if you have not known already, words matter to me a lot.

There are so much more I could think of. And I know you’re about to say that those don’t really matter to you and that you’ll still love me no matter what blah blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I like that :) .

But there’s this other kind of better half. One where I wanna be better for you. Not better in a way that’ll completely change me. No. No. It's the little things.

You know how much of a terrible cook I am. I have burnt so much butter. Yes, butter. And a lot of other things. ( I have even over boiled water once :) ) And even though my sink would be full of bottom-burnt pans and my house filled with smoke, I’ll keep trying. I could go through hundreds and hundreds of cooking tutorials on youtube and hundreds of food wiki-how articles until I could cook the prettiest egg for you. That won’t be burnt of course :) .

And I know you’re gonna say it's okay. That you’ll cook for me and I won’t have to go through those efforts. But my efforts for you, that’s what makes me a better half for you. I wanna take care of you too like those female protagonists in romantic anime’s. It seems stupid, but to me it isn’t. When you get sick, I could prepare something hot for you. When it gets too cold, I could serve us something hot and tasty while we stay in and watch movies. Just the two of us. I want that and so I’ll keep trying…. With your help of course. Yeah you thought I could do this by myself? You promised you’ll teach me how to cook and you will! I’ll remember that promise so please make it. I learn pretty quickly too!

There’s still so many things I wanna be better at. But you know what, I’m not too worried about that. You’ll wait right? I could do so many things. There's still a lot of magic tricks that I hope you'll finally let me show you huhu. And hey maybe I could teach them to you too, and our kids when we grow up :) .

And you.. You get so frustrated when you don’t feel good enough for me which is so absurd haha, because trust me, I could witness you fail over and over again, but I’ll still be in the back cheering you on. I’m not saying you have to feel like you’re ever gonna be good enough, because I sometimes feel the same way and It’s okay. As long as you know that I won’t run away from your failures and lowest low, that's enough for me….. That’s what a better half is. We’ll both be there for each other. For the better.. Or even the worst :) . I can’t wait to stand by your side when you do great things. You’re gonna be an amazing student. You’re gonna succeed as a surgeon. You’re gonna be the best wife and mom.

I’ll be there for it all.

I love you..
...my better half.

hi i miss you i had so much fun the day we hung out and i wouldn’t want to re do it again if you’re ever ready for a relationship i’m here

♪“watch you sleep” - girl in red♪

There’s this cherry blossom park in japan called “Yoyogi”. It has 730 sakura trees. It has a big field where you won’t get interrupted by others. We could set up a picnic there with homemade bentos. Watch the sunset and take a stroll around during the night. I always dreamed that. Imagine how pretty it would be. I only wanna do it with you. Let’s save up and take a vacation in Japan someday ahahaha.

There’s more places that I wanna go to with you. I usually like my own company most of the time, but you’re just so different. The atmosphere becomes prettier with you close to me. Isn’t that weird.. And sometimes time moves faster and slower at different times with you. I could spend hours and hours with you and never get tired.

Everything about you to me is so prepossessing. I think it’s quite normal for someone’s s/o to stand out more than the rest.. Or maybe I'm just attached HAHAHA :,D But really, I wish you could see yourself the way I do sometimes.

I say that I don’t know much about you, and there really is so much more I need to learn about you, but I pick up a few things there and there. You might be tall and big, but I know your complexion is the softest and fragile one I know.

And you could hate your vulnerable and weak side to me, but I’ll always find it enthralling. Maybe it’s because seeing someone let their guard down and become distraught at the thought of losing me makes me feel loved for once. I find myself reading your old text messages over and over again. Listening to your voice memos because your voice always soothes me. Your laugh at even the most random shit always gets me. The face you make when you’re flustered. Your slow breaths when you’re sleeping. And I could never forget the warmth of your body and how peaceful you look sleeping. My head would always fill with thoughts during that. Maybe it’s because I still couldn’t really fathom my feelings and relationships. It just seems too good to be true, I guess.

But just like the phases of blossoms, your bright side that I’ve always adored could puny too. I know you’re just as damaged and hurt from your past just as I am. But I’m glad you opened up to me. That meant so much. I still remember when you broke down that night. I'm glad I was there to comfort you. Because you have no idea how badly I wanna fix you. But I can’t. And that’s why I’ll stay by your side no matter what to at least push off a bit of that pain away.


Trust me k. , if you just wait and stay for me, I promise to love you more than anyone else.

Its been a while. I remember the last time we saw each other at the coffee shop. The last hug that i still want to keep in my memories forever. And the memories we had i will treasure. The pain is equal for you and me. And i made the promise that i would be the person that never left. And the person that 100% didnt hate you. I want to keep the first one. I miss you and want nothing more but to have you in my arms again. Through all the tears and laughter i just enjoyed your presence. Every minute and every second. Ill wait for you and i hope you know that. I miss saying the name Winnie. My pain is just like yours. And you are not to blame. No matter how much you think it is. I just want you to love yourself. You deserve it. If you dont think so i do. Just know you got someone in me and idk i want to make things right between us. However i can. Just know im always here. -bubblegum/ just a simple brown boy.

You were the reason I found out I liked girls. Sorry I never told you I liked you back, you were too cute for me.

you make me so happy. i cannot exaggerate when I say you turn my sadness and void into something better. thank you. i love you so fucking much.

i’m slowly trying to fix myself for you. it drives me insane how unhappy i am for myself. i would’ve just shut myself out if it wasn’t for you. please if you wait, i could give you everything. love you more than anyone could. but i can’t do that when i’m this damaged and lost. i’m so sorry.

♪”umaasa - calein♪

I want you here with me right now. Is that too insistent for me to say? It sounds like it, doesn’t it? But I won’t take it back. That would be lying and lying to your significant other is not very wise is it.

There are just some much harder days where I’m gonna miss you more than usual. And when I do, I always regret the little stupid things. Like maybe I should’ve held you longer in my arms. I should’ve kissed you longer. I should’ve said “I love you” more. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And the void gets bigger and I become sadder so I have to bury my face into your sweater to calm myself. You have no idea how much that basic clump of fiber could comfort a person. It’s so stupid ahahha.

I know I can’t always throw myself into your arms when I feel like falling apart. And that sucks. Maybe because you’re the only comfort I know. Everything about you is so peculiar, but familiar. I could completely fall asleep peacefully next to you.

Call it stupid teen romance all you want, but I’ll never get tired of your touch. I still get butterflies when we kiss. There is still this heavy feeling in my chest when you hold me. And ugh sex. Some just do it for sexual pleasures or whatever, but it’s stupid how much more it means to me. Heh I can’t even look at you properly when we do it because I get all shy that you’ll see my flustered face. It’s not only because it feels good. It’s more of the meaning behind it. Giving you my consent and body is just another form of me showing that I trust you and love you. I love you.

You have such a different warmth. I could lose myself into you. I wanna tell you that someday. I’ve never even gotta tell you how appealing you looked next to me when we were laying down watching the stars in that playground. I’ve never got to tell you how comforting your hand felt in mine. I’ve never got to really tell you that much…

How honestly strange it is for someone like me to drop everything just to be with you. Ugh love really is cliche.

I can’t wait to see you again baby. I love you. I love you. I love you.

i’ll never be able to love anyone the way i love you. i can’t wait till we meet again my pretty girl

I miss how you used to be. Before him. I miss us. I don’t get why you talk bad with him about me.

you will always be my wifey

I love you baby im sorry if i go. I don’t think im good for you

im still waiting. please give me a sign that you are too.

Do you still think
of me when dandelions starts to play?

I miss you so much bestie :’((

I hope we cross paths again

You helped me discover pieces of myself I never knew existed. Iloveyou so much bb

I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable around me. I should have kept those words to myself.

im real glad you’re my best friend. hope we don’t fall out :)

You are special to me, I’m scared of losing you one day. It hurts just thinking bout it.

I think about you a lot… I think we would’ve worked out

I wish I changed to. I’m sorry for everything.

What do you do with my stuff?

Thank you for the memories. Maybe we'll meet again one day.

I keep thinking of you as my someday girl. Miss you.

I keep thinking of you as my someday girl. Miss you.

Still thinking of you as my someday
girl. Miss you, wish I'd been less cautious.

I want to just talk to you sometimes. It wasn’t about you before but now it is.

I accept my defeat pls be back

You didn’t hurt me. You just proved my point.

Hey sweets, I don't tell you this often enough, but I Love You. I am so happy to have you in my life

I miss you kat wish you had texted me happy bday like last year

thank you for coming back to me

I wish you were mine, but I'm happy that you could find your happiness, even if it isn't with me.

you are so loved.

hi do u remmeber when u fell at camp on the beam that was rlly funny

I hate running into you and ignoring you but I can’t bring myself to talk to you. Do you hate me