Unsent messages to HAZEL

you’re cute…..

you saved me from myself

i do care about you btw

Bro just break up w ur bf holy im waiting

i love you so much but you destroying yourself is destroying me and idk how much longer i can take it

it has been six months but youre still the first person i think about when i wake up. i guess it has changed for you by now

I've never met anyone like you. ever. there's no one I would rather spend my time with. I don't want to just be friends with you, I cant. I want to get over you but I cant. did u break up with me just for yourself or because I did something wrong or you thought I did something wrong. this is the color of your animal.

So I guess I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I’m telling you everything that bothers me. He’s an addict; been to rehab 4 times. He drove while high with me and my mom in the car, it bothers me that he didn’t stop to think what if we crashed. I can put into words what I’m feeling. I feel jealous that she gets to see you and they get to see you when I don’t. I feel jealous that I don’t know everything going on in your life. I feel jealous that you tell her all the things you won’t tell me even tho she tells other people and you know she’s toxic. I miss you, a lot. I want to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Then again I want them to talk about me, I want them to say how much they hate me for wanting you. I guess I’ll never get over it. I’ll never get over the fact that I was your second choice that you had to try with them before coming to me. Every time you text me I feel like I’m doing something wrong that maybe your crying because I did something or they told u I did something. Did I ever tell you that he followed me? Yeah. He followed me and down stairs in school at 5pm. We would walk around school alone laughing, almost kissing but never actually, it was fun, I was free. One time we were in the gym building together, and I go to put a basketball away that we had gotten form a closet, he followed me, he pinned me against the closet wall and and nothing happened. Nothing happened. I don’t understand what your so afraid of, do u think that by being vulnerable I will make fun of u? Or maybe break your heart? I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s not good enough.

I’m reading these as if there new to me, as if I didn’t write most of them. I wonder what you would do if you new it was me. I care about you I do, but I can’t relax around you. It always seems as if I need to be prepared to hear that you were cheating on me or that you betrayed my trust. I remember on Halloween night you said you wanted to go home so I took you home, you said you didn’t want me to kiss you so I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. Then a week later you’re yelling at me for not giving you enough attention or that I’m talking to my friends too much. Like you said, I’m not the problem, you are.

Yes it bothers me when you talk about your ex.
Yes I get jealous.
Yes I do sometimes think you’re cheating.
I miss when we could hang out,
It was nice.
But I feel now as if we are standing on the edge of the cliff and my toes are off it but my body isnt. My mind is over you but my heart isn’t.
I want to have a fight I don’t know why but I do.
I want an excuse to leave. But I couldn’t, I could never leave. It’s like you have me chained up but you don’t realize it. Or maybe you do realize it you’re just too self centered to realize it.

I wish we knew each other in person so that we could enjoy the world together, you mean a lot to me and i am glad to call you my best friend

i wonder if you think about me as much as i think about you. not even as much, if ever you go throughout the day and my name crosses your mind at least once. i wonder if you have a lot to say to me that you’re not telling me right now. i wonder if you care.

you're so unfair sometimes but you pin it all on me. and you say you're straightforward then don't say what i did. it's fucking annoying.

how am i supposed to make you feel ok if you shut me out? you tell me you're ok then are crying about how messed up your life is. im sorry for what im about to say, this is just how i feel. are you trying to hurt me? it hurts everytime you dont respond. it hurts everytime you dont trust me. did you know that? i still cant text you after what you did.

i wish when you talk about who you're going to marry that you think about me. i wish that you knew i dream about you. i wish you would tell me how you feel. i wish you would love me as much as i love you. i wish you could be here right now. i wish you knew that its me writing this.

Aubrey youre like my absolute favorite, thanks for making me laugh so hard that i always spit out my drinks. Thanks for taking mt bf... jkjk. i hope one you will meet someone who treats you right(like matty). youre so smart and on top of everything. stay coolio

i honestly don’t know what happened between us, but i came to the conclusion that maybe you were choosing yourself. i want you to know that i understand. you’re not a bad person and you should never feel sorry for choosing
yourself and your wellbeing. i’m just sorry that i let you down as a friend. i hope you find friends that not only make you feel seen but also lift you up and push you to grow. i hope you learn to love yourself and all the amazing things about you. i hope you find value in your life and know that your presence is important in this world. i love you and i wish you the best. i’m sorry that i couldn’t love you in the way that you needed.