Unsent messages to BRANDON

i know we were childhood friends but i never told you i loved you no matter how hard i tried to stop but i know you only see me as a friend

as an overthinking, anxiety filled person, sometimes i feel like im not the right person for you. sometimes i feel like you can never understand me fully. i js wish i was better and more normal for you.

Brandon Smith, you will never know how I felt about you. You are happy though and that is all that matters.

I stay up all night waiting for you to call me. While you wait for her call. Wish I was your first pick.

you were there for my best, but left me when i was at my worst. i think we’re just better as strangers. wish i was never there for you. but i hope your family’s swell :)

I wish we had more time to figure it all out. I am sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry the only good you saw in me was my body vs. my mind.

i always came second to you and i know you care for me but that isn’t enough. i want you to see me the way i see you

you were literally the boy i could not get over. im pretty sure im still not over it but i need to be, since i was your sisters best friend. i mean we practically grew up together. haven’t seen you in awhile though... or your family. just thought you should know

i dont ever want to fuck up what we have. i love you so fucking much. you’re my favorite person. and i love you to the moon and back.

hi it’s been a minute but you were always there when i needed you but then when i needed u the most you walked away

you were awful at the end. i broke up with you for a reason and i’m happy i did and i don’t wanna talk to you but a part of me doesn’t want to be strangers anymore

you broke me, you were my first everything and you ruined the concept of love for me. now i can't see someone the way I saw you

I love you, I’m sorry our friendship ended. I’ll always be here & I know you’ll do great things in life.

Honestly I don’t kno where to start. You had my heart Nd you broke it after you said you never would. You made me feel so alive dats y I stayed around. You made me feel this happiness dat I used to feel Nd when I was wit you all my pain vanished. You had me feelin u was different had me feelin dat no one could ever hurt me. I was wrong for thinkin that Bc I knew deep down it would end this way. We had bumpy road along the relationship jus like everyone else does. I messed up Nd u kno I apologized... but you COULD NEVER get over it. Brandon u think I did it on purpose? By having someone else delete it the picture Bc I was being loyal to you. I don’t see how that was ever bad. When we first started talking I knew I should have never added you back, should never have answered to yo txt, and should have never started a conversation wit you. I didn’t realize how much pain it would cause me later. I wasn’t emotionally stable when I said yes to you but you had me thinking differently but for you to one day out of nowhere say we need to break up I’m losing feelings... those words broke me. The night before you said you loved me. Was it all jus a lie? Was it all a setup? Did you not care abt me? So many questions that I wish you would answer. I didn’t have much love to give but I gave you as much as I could. I took so many risks Bc I truly loved you. I wouldn’t have done all dat if i didn’t. But it’s ok. You have a new girl so don’t worry abt me. Ima get myself together Nd I hope y’all work out. One thing tho... if it doesn’t work out DONT COME BACK TO ME. Because I won’t take you back. You chose her over me so stand on it Bc that’s your decision. I’ll be over you by the time you decided you actually want me back. It’s way to painful for me. I love you Nd I will always have a place in my heart for you but I can’t hurt myself with you anymore. I have to do what’s best for me atp Nd that’s not you. Hope you find what your looking for. But ima jus lyk now that it’s not me. If I decided to change my mind then I will but for right now it’s not gon change. At the end up the day you did what you wanted to do regardless of how I felt. So now ima do what I wanna do regardless of your feelings Bc I have an amazing life infront of me and you will never stop me from that life path. Hope things work out. Love you but it’s time to let go. I’m not the one for you.

I could write a million memories, but I just want to say thank you. for showing me I am capable of loving someone and that I’m not always the problem. I so miss how close we were but we’re on to better things now. I hope to have our friendship back one day. #lemon

I hope she wakes up every morning before you with a cup of tea and a breakfast of bacon & eggs, pancakes & fruit. I hope she treats you as I wish I had.

did you ever even like me? was i just a stupid girl who fell for your bullshit and yet I don’t hate you I feel sorry for you, that you had someone who was always there for you and never judged you for the mistakes you’ve made and that still wasn’t enough.

B, i miss who you were not the person i’ve come to hate. i want you to come back later on in life once you’ve learned to grow up and be a better version of you. i don’t need you but i sure as hell miss you.

u promised we would be friends forever but ig u had to go and break that promise like all the other ones

You really hurt me and I continued to let you, but no matter what I will always love you and I hate myself for it

This is going to be the last one I write to you. I love you. Im going to build a life and hopefully you will be in it one day

I go think i will see you again. but youre the first thing i think about when i wake you and go to bed

i kinda miss you but fuck you for breaking my heart you piece of shit white boy. you have a small cock and i hate everything about you ugly ass

You keep asking why we broke up... and I can’t bring myself to tell you the truth. We didn’t work out because I didn’t see a future anymore. I fell out of love because of the lies. I cried every night not wanting to hurt you but I hurt myself more by trying to get us to work. You keep asking if we can get back together in the future etc but I think it’s best to just stay friends. For my benefit and yours too.

I miss you... I think about you all the time but I know you never really loved even if it felt like it. You went back to your ex and I can't blame you, she is so funny and pretty. I wish I was enough for you to stay and wait for me. I only see you in one period in school and you never text me anymore. Did you notice my new hair color? I'm sorry I didn't reply fast when you asked how my day was, i just didn't want your girlfriend to see the text and be upset. I miss your hugs. They were the best. You were my first love and right now it feels like you might be my last love. I want to wait but I know if I wait and nothing happens I will just be in pain all over again. I miss talking to you like I had someone who was mine and only mine. Please don't forget about me... you promised. I miss your ocean blue eyes no matter how many times you told me they were green. I miss your fluffy light brown hair. The late night facetime calls that would make me giggle. Watching movies together. I wish you would call me or text me first. It would mean the world to me. I don't hate you for hurting me I just hate that I was so convinced that you wouldn't. Thank you for showing me what love is not. No matter how bad it sounds I will always... always go back to you if you asked me to. You seem so happy. Im glad I had the privilege to call you mine even if it was for a short while. Please visit me after you graduate. Tell me about your kids. If there is one thing I wont forget, it's my first kiss with you on New Years and my last one with you at the park in the rain at 2 AM. I wish I could hold you one more time. I wish I could have made you stayed long enough for me to go to homecoming with you and cheer you on at football games. Whenever I see you I try to ignore you but I always catch you looking at me so I look away hoping it will help me get over you but it has been 4 months. I wish you would call or text me please. I miss your voice. How do I love again? How do I trust someone again? I stay up all night thinking about you when I know I shouldn't. Maybe Im in love with the feeling and memories not you and your love. I hope your dog is doing well. My heart asks about you all the time and I have to remind it you aren't mine anymore even though we never dated because we are 3 years apart and our parents would get upset. Im starting to think the reason you stopped talking to me wasn't because of your parents... I think you just still loved your ex. I got told I looked like her. I will forever miss you no matter how far we get apart. I miss you and everything about you. I know you will never see this but maybe in a year or two I will show you. Im crying my eyes out I can't stand the pain please just come over and cuddle me to sleep. I miss the way you said my name. I was going to end it all but then you came into my life and made me stay and now I want to go again. The only reason I am staying is in hopes of finding real love or being able to call you mine again. Please call me I am begging you I just need you and only you. I am addicted to you. What am I supposed to do without you? All those paragraphs you sent were a lie but you told me you kept all our conversations in your notes. Even my "100 reasons why I love you". Your friends told me that when you were mine you drunk talked about how much you love and miss me. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I wish I would have kissed you more. Hugged you more. Got less mad at you. I miss you Brandon...
-M
P.S. I made the background purple because thats your two favorite colors mixed.

I'm sorry that I chose him over you. I knew you would treat me right, but I couldn't stop loving him even if it hurt. I'm sorry.

i really thought i meant something to you until you took my heart and crushed it telling someone you had a girlfriend while you were taking to me as well. the worst part is you don’t even know how bad it hurts me and we still act like everything is normal

i miss you, why couldn’t we have spoke about it instead of us acting like we didn’t care. we had so many plans and memories bro. and it’s all gone for what? i hope one day we’ll change and see what we missed out on, i love you forever and always my love?

We had a love like something out of a book. After all that time- We still loved one another. You’ll be back, I know it.

Do you think if lockdown had not have happened we would’ve been fine and together now? I miss how we were

For once... I don't blame myself anymore. It was all your fault and I HOPE you're happy with living with that for the rest of your life... I hate you

i miss you. i miss you so so much. i know you're a completely different person now but i want you to know that i still think about you sometimes. thank you for everything.

I like to say I hate you but I know I would answer if you called. I Worry about you still. I wish you had told me you fell out of love, because I felt the same way, I just didn’t want to lose you as a friend. You didn’t need to cheat and then traumatise me and the other girl for life with that video. That video will forever be stuck in my brain, I’m sorry we couldn’t just be friends.

I say I hate you now but I know that will never be true, id still answer if you called. I hate the way we ended things, but you hurt me so much for so long that I will never be the person I was again.

I miss you so much but I know I can’t have you anymore at all and I want you to be happy and deserve everything I’m so sorry for everything I regret it so much you were honestly the best I ever had and always will be

I sometimes still dream of being able to be held in your hands as you promise me nothing will hurt me. I still truly love you even though you don't seem to feel the same. At times I cry, begging to whatever the fuck is in the aboves to tell me that you still care and love me. I never meant to break it up between us and I feel so stupid for letting it all go just because I thought I wasn't worth a dime. Now, I so badly just want to be in your hoodie, talking about what we want in a shared flat meanwhile eating pizza and laughing.
I'm so sorry for letting you go.
C.C.