Unsent messages to ANA

Im not obsessed just bored

i like you but i’m too scared to do anything. scared to love. i’m sorry i’ve made you wait so long.

i miss you. i wish you’d come back to me. almost 8 months…

You knew what I was going through. I'll never forgive you.

I can’t describe the feeling of rain anymore after you left.

i promised to love you forever and that promise will forever remain.

I look at axolotls and get a lump in my throat, it's pathetic really. they still remind me of you

i love you more than yk. i wish we had more time, in another life. wish i could send my untold mess.

I hate that I miss you

you ruined my life

ur the best friend a girl could ever ask for

love you and ur the cutest girl ever

You made me feel like nothing

keep smiling please.

I hope you think of me sometimes

i hope you miss me sometimes

I always loved you, princess. I want you by my side.

i dont miss you but i constantly wonder if youre okay.

you're the only girl i ever felt in love for.

I Hope we reconnect someday

i wish we were as close as we once were

I’m sorry you couldn’t live longer I wish it was me and not u

we will see each other again. i promise

I miss you so much, I wanna try again so bad

I miss you. But I hope we never see each other again.

Why don’t you miss me ?

i really enjoy spending time w u ☆

I don't think I'll ever tell you this in person but there was a time where I liked you. I wish you hadn't drifted off without me. You were the first person I ever wanted to kiss. I miss you.

I still have feelings even tho I shouldn’t and it hurts pretending that I don’t have feelings, I love you so much it hurts

I'm so glad we became friends because we literally have the same vibe, I can't. I can't wait to make more memories. I love you

gracias por darme la vida. realmente eres mi primer amor. y el más importante. nunca pararé de quererte

Talvez, um dia, você saiba que pra mim, você é muito mais que uma amiga. Mas mesmo não percebendo, espero que você se sinta tão bem quanto me sinto com você, que é culpada por infinitas borboletas no estômago desde 2018.

you do not control me. this is my body and i deserve to make it my home. you do not control me. i will get better.

i miss you and the friendship we have, i think about u a lot and so many things remind me of u. i wish we were as close as we were last year :( i know we dont even really talk anymore but sometimes i wonder if you think about me or our friendship as much as i do :( i miss you i wish you'd text me, i dont know if our friendship will ever come back but just know that im thankful for the times we were together :(

Okay this is going to have no coherence but I didn’t like the resentment building up. I’m never going to send it to you anyway hahaha. Did you ever even care? Like, I know you say you did and say you prioritised me above all else, but did you really? I never felt like a priority because you’d never ask me to meet even though you’d be meeting your other friends. You never even asked me to come down when you were talking ebony. You’d always say no to hanging out or even working on call and idk, I always felt like you never even cared. I felt so fucking alone in the last four months of the year despite having a girlfriend who supposedly loved me? I genuinely felt like you had a foot out the door (the door out of our relationship). Why was I so afraid of losing you? It always felt like I was begging for your attention or that I was never even worthy of your love or care. I would go out of my way to do or say things that would get your attention because that was the only way I could actually receive some? I kept feeling more and more unloved and it fucking hurt. You were the one person I expected to be there with me through thick and thin and it seemed like you didn’t even give a shit about what was happening in my life. I know you kept asking me to open up but whenever I did, you acted the same way, over and over. Fuck you, anavi, fuck you for giving me all the false hope in the summer break. I loved staying up and talking to you on call for hours. I would open up so much more. I get that school would limit the number of calls we had, significantly. But holy shit we just stopped entirely? Not even a short 5-10 minute call? It was all over text. I get that makes you feel more comfortable but it was so impersonal? It always made me feel like you didn’t want to meet me, or listen to my voice, or just interact with me beyond text. The day we got out our resentment towards each other, you kept telling me that you’re not a mind reader, or that I should have told you things before and like ??? Was I supposed to know that you were looking for me when you walked ebony? Because I would’ve sprinted across belaire if you just asked me if I could come down. Was I supposed to know that you never felt like a priority? Was I supposed to know that you felt like I was competitive? Oh wait, you did tell me that. But you told me after you’d already decided I wasn’t worth giving a second chance. I totally didn’t work my ass off trying to understand how I can respond better, I totally didn’t spend hours reflecting and practicing my responses. No, no, I’m so glad you told me to work on something without giving me the opportunity to. Thank you for that and for doing that with every piece of feedback you gave me. You know, it was so fucked up how we both talked to mehar so much more during july and august. Idk, when we pointed it out, I spent so long reflecting and working on that, and actually making an effort to tell you things more, but every fucking time I’d talk to you about something related to you, I’d get the same old thing. “I talked to mehar about it hahah,” “Mehar said this hahah,” “Mehar usually responds like this and it helps,” “Mehar and I are actually really similar.” Fucking hell, just date mehar. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that because that’s all it felt like. It felt like I had the title of your partner but you were really dating mehar. Fuck you anavi. She knew about every fucking thing and it was so clear when I talked to you or her and it hurt like a bitch. I kept trying and trying but it felt like you didn’t even care enough to let me try. Mehar seemed like the perfect person for you, the one who could do no wrong and I seemed like the screw up. You’re single now, she’s single. Go fuck her. Idk, add her to the list of people who would fuck you senseless. Which, also, what the fuck is up with that? Why do you keep feeling the need to tell me that people would date you or fuck you? I never said you weren’t attractive? Was that supposed to hurt me or make me so jealous I’d beg for you back? Like wtf, do you think I don’t have people who’ve asked me? Or who’ve tried getting with me after you? I don’t throw that into every conversation? Are you that much of a fucking bitch that you thrive off of the idea that I’m in pain? Let me make it clear, fuck whoever you want. I don’t give a flying fuck. I really don’t. Use a condom, don’t, I do not care. You want to date an armaan mishra lookalike? Do it. Why the fuck would I give a shit? I never knew everything about your sexual past while we were dating, why do I need to know now? Which, also, made me feel incredibly insecure. I never knew much about the white guys and I have no idea about these guys who’ve made you cum? Are you even a virgin? I wouldn’t know? I never knew what I was up against or what you’d done and I know your past is not something I can change. But that’s where my fear of being cheated on came from. I didn’t know what you were doing or have done because you were so elusive. I’d find our things at random and it would make me feel so insecure and build up my trust issues like crazy. This applied to other things too? Like I didn’t know you wrote a book, or got into ed board, or got a mac. Idk, I always felt like you never wanted me in your life or just didn’t want me to know anything about you. That petrified me. I hated getting to know about those things in other ways. Each of them haunted me for days and months, and they’d come up at random points in the day and just make me feel so betrayed. That’s why I stopped telling you the small and big things. I felt so vulnerable and so exposed. It always felt like you knew so much more about me than I could ever know about you and I was honestly so afraid because I didn’t know what you planned to do with that. Fuck you man, I put so much trust in you (even if you don’t believe it) and you used that to make my trust issues grow. You’re a fucking bitch. I don’t know if you actually believed your mom or not about me using you but what the fuck gave her that impression? I did get more of you during that time but it’s not like you didn’t get me. I was constantly near my phone or had the tab on my laptop open just so I could talk to you. I would fuck everything up, just to meet or text you. I know she didn’t know any of that but like I also had to be there on those walks? I also took out that time from my day to meet you? Also, I didn’t get the grades?? I didn’t get the grades I’d planned to get and I genuinely screwed up my academics for you on several occasions? I know you never asked me to but I did? I never would’ve texted people when I gave my phone away during the exams but I texted you? Again, I know that she didn’t know that but did you even stand up for me? I mean I would move heaven and earth trying to help you and I even asked you for help? I’d ask you for help for english, I’d try help you in math. I even compiled all of my spanish notes, spending so much fucking time, just ensuring that I could be of some help to you. It’s not like you even used those notes, making me feel like a useless and incompetent piece of shit. I would ask you to work on call when you said you didn’t want to, I’d ask you, every fucking time, if I could help, but you never wanted to. Fuck you, fuck you for leaving me months before we broke up, fuck you for making me hate myself so much more than I already did, and second guess things I thought were the only good qualities about myself. You know, you keep talking about yourself as if you hate yourself but holy shit, you don’t seem like it. You put yourself on this pedestal that makes you seem so fucking intimidating and perfect. It always made me feel so incompetent and like I was never even worthy of you. Idk man, fuck you. I trusted you with my heart and you stepped on it, threw it in a shredder and then incinerated it. I ripped up all the notes you returned and the ones you’d written. I broke the cd, gave the canvas to my mom (and my dad said “now it’s with someone actually worthy of your love” and holy shit I’ve never loved his wit more), I tore up the canvas cloths and books, reused the keychains. I deleted the calendars, notes, playlists, got you off my drive, got off yours. I got rid of everythig. It was the most therapeutic thing. I didn’t even look/read through them. Just hit delete or ripped them. Fuck you man, you gained so much power over me and hurt me just like I was afraid.

I’m convinced there is no one else for me but you. One month shy of 10 years later, and you’re still on my mind.

I’m sorry for how i treated you. I just saw you have a boyfriend and it breaks my heart. It seems like you’re happy and that’s great. You will forever be in my heart.

When you didn't talk for me for 3 fucking years I cried every day cuz I missed you so much.I still do

Love,G

i love you more than anyone else. that’s why i can’t tell you. i want to marry you tomorrow. i can wait.

i think i'm in love with you but ur soooooo complicated. pls take care of yourself and you're so hot. bye

why don't you fucking love me. why don't you care about me. i love you so much and you don't even like me LOL. idk guess i expected this

Ana, your nickname, you follow me everyday, my first serious relationship. Not with a person, but with an eating disorder

i wrote you love notes on sticky notes this exact shade of pink. when you asked if they were from me, i tore apart our friendship. i'm sorry.

i told you i loved you, you told me it was weird. i cast my eyes to the ceiling and pretended it didn't sting.

It's been months and you're still the only person i want to call when something good or bad happens to me.

I hate that our friendship ended out of nowhere. It made me feel like shit and I've felt so empty ever since. I miss you

Me gustas en serio para mi ese beso fue mucho mas fue algo que imagine durante meses yo se que para ti solo fue practica pero yo sigo pensando en eso yo sigo remarcando eso como el mejor beso de mi vida, pero tu dijiste que solo era un juego, solo somos amigas y por mas que quiera no te me vas a declarar, no te voy a poder decir que te amo realmente y no solo como amigas mierda, estoy confundida en serio pero daría todo para que te me declares un amanecer porque cuando estoy contigo siento que soy especial que me tratas especial, pero me tratas igual a todes es lo triste yo no seré mas que una amiga para ti pero tu eres mi primer amor. Te amo en serio me gustas mucho pero yo se que no sientes lo mismo se que te gusta alguien mas
Me rompe el corazón cada vez que hablamos y me cuentas que te gusta alguien que tienes novio. No puedo hacer nada al respecto :)

sometimes i wish we could run away together. keep a ton of fake blood to spread all over each other on the weekends.

Sometimes I can't tell if you want to meet me or not but idk, I think I'll just wait for you to ask for now.

hey i miss you so much i hope u doing well drink water please u deserve to eat.. ur the prettiest girl i've seen but i'm a girl too and my dad just ..
I love you..