Unsent Messages

Okay this is going to have no coherence but I didn’t like the resentment building up. I’m never going to send it to you anyway hahaha. Did you ever even care? Like, I know you say you did and say you prioritised me above all else, but did you really? I never felt like a priority because you’d never ask me to meet even though you’d be meeting your other friends. You never even asked me to come down when you were talking ebony. You’d always say no to hanging out or even working on call and idk, I always felt like you never even cared. I felt so fucking alone in the last four months of the year despite having a girlfriend who supposedly loved me? I genuinely felt like you had a foot out the door (the door out of our relationship). Why was I so afraid of losing you? It always felt like I was begging for your attention or that I was never even worthy of your love or care. I would go out of my way to do or say things that would get your attention because that was the only way I could actually receive some? I kept feeling more and more unloved and it fucking hurt. You were the one person I expected to be there with me through thick and thin and it seemed like you didn’t even give a shit about what was happening in my life. I know you kept asking me to open up but whenever I did, you acted the same way, over and over. Fuck you, anavi, fuck you for giving me all the false hope in the summer break. I loved staying up and talking to you on call for hours. I would open up so much more. I get that school would limit the number of calls we had, significantly. But holy shit we just stopped entirely? Not even a short 5-10 minute call? It was all over text. I get that makes you feel more comfortable but it was so impersonal? It always made me feel like you didn’t want to meet me, or listen to my voice, or just interact with me beyond text. The day we got out our resentment towards each other, you kept telling me that you’re not a mind reader, or that I should have told you things before and like ??? Was I supposed to know that you were looking for me when you walked ebony? Because I would’ve sprinted across belaire if you just asked me if I could come down. Was I supposed to know that you never felt like a priority? Was I supposed to know that you felt like I was competitive? Oh wait, you did tell me that. But you told me after you’d already decided I wasn’t worth giving a second chance. I totally didn’t work my ass off trying to understand how I can respond better, I totally didn’t spend hours reflecting and practicing my responses. No, no, I’m so glad you told me to work on something without giving me the opportunity to. Thank you for that and for doing that with every piece of feedback you gave me. You know, it was so fucked up how we both talked to mehar so much more during july and august. Idk, when we pointed it out, I spent so long reflecting and working on that, and actually making an effort to tell you things more, but every fucking time I’d talk to you about something related to you, I’d get the same old thing. “I talked to mehar about it hahah,” “Mehar said this hahah,” “Mehar usually responds like this and it helps,” “Mehar and I are actually really similar.” Fucking hell, just date mehar. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that because that’s all it felt like. It felt like I had the title of your partner but you were really dating mehar. Fuck you anavi. She knew about every fucking thing and it was so clear when I talked to you or her and it hurt like a bitch. I kept trying and trying but it felt like you didn’t even care enough to let me try. Mehar seemed like the perfect person for you, the one who could do no wrong and I seemed like the screw up. You’re single now, she’s single. Go fuck her. Idk, add her to the list of people who would fuck you senseless. Which, also, what the fuck is up with that? Why do you keep feeling the need to tell me that people would date you or fuck you? I never said you weren’t attractive? Was that supposed to hurt me or make me so jealous I’d beg for you back? Like wtf, do you think I don’t have people who’ve asked me? Or who’ve tried getting with me after you? I don’t throw that into every conversation? Are you that much of a fucking bitch that you thrive off of the idea that I’m in pain? Let me make it clear, fuck whoever you want. I don’t give a flying fuck. I really don’t. Use a condom, don’t, I do not care. You want to date an armaan mishra lookalike? Do it. Why the fuck would I give a shit? I never knew everything about your sexual past while we were dating, why do I need to know now? Which, also, made me feel incredibly insecure. I never knew much about the white guys and I have no idea about these guys who’ve made you cum? Are you even a virgin? I wouldn’t know? I never knew what I was up against or what you’d done and I know your past is not something I can change. But that’s where my fear of being cheated on came from. I didn’t know what you were doing or have done because you were so elusive. I’d find our things at random and it would make me feel so insecure and build up my trust issues like crazy. This applied to other things too? Like I didn’t know you wrote a book, or got into ed board, or got a mac. Idk, I always felt like you never wanted me in your life or just didn’t want me to know anything about you. That petrified me. I hated getting to know about those things in other ways. Each of them haunted me for days and months, and they’d come up at random points in the day and just make me feel so betrayed. That’s why I stopped telling you the small and big things. I felt so vulnerable and so exposed. It always felt like you knew so much more about me than I could ever know about you and I was honestly so afraid because I didn’t know what you planned to do with that. Fuck you man, I put so much trust in you (even if you don’t believe it) and you used that to make my trust issues grow. You’re a fucking bitch. I don’t know if you actually believed your mom or not about me using you but what the fuck gave her that impression? I did get more of you during that time but it’s not like you didn’t get me. I was constantly near my phone or had the tab on my laptop open just so I could talk to you. I would fuck everything up, just to meet or text you. I know she didn’t know any of that but like I also had to be there on those walks? I also took out that time from my day to meet you? Also, I didn’t get the grades?? I didn’t get the grades I’d planned to get and I genuinely screwed up my academics for you on several occasions? I know you never asked me to but I did? I never would’ve texted people when I gave my phone away during the exams but I texted you? Again, I know that she didn’t know that but did you even stand up for me? I mean I would move heaven and earth trying to help you and I even asked you for help? I’d ask you for help for english, I’d try help you in math. I even compiled all of my spanish notes, spending so much fucking time, just ensuring that I could be of some help to you. It’s not like you even used those notes, making me feel like a useless and incompetent piece of shit. I would ask you to work on call when you said you didn’t want to, I’d ask you, every fucking time, if I could help, but you never wanted to. Fuck you, fuck you for leaving me months before we broke up, fuck you for making me hate myself so much more than I already did, and second guess things I thought were the only good qualities about myself. You know, you keep talking about yourself as if you hate yourself but holy shit, you don’t seem like it. You put yourself on this pedestal that makes you seem so fucking intimidating and perfect. It always made me feel so incompetent and like I was never even worthy of you. Idk man, fuck you. I trusted you with my heart and you stepped on it, threw it in a shredder and then incinerated it. I ripped up all the notes you returned and the ones you’d written. I broke the cd, gave the canvas to my mom (and my dad said “now it’s with someone actually worthy of your love” and holy shit I’ve never loved his wit more), I tore up the canvas cloths and books, reused the keychains. I deleted the calendars, notes, playlists, got you off my drive, got off yours. I got rid of everythig. It was the most therapeutic thing. I didn’t even look/read through them. Just hit delete or ripped them. Fuck you man, you gained so much power over me and hurt me just like I was afraid.