hey, it's me again. i shouldn't write to you anymore, but i have some things to say. not to you, just about myself. i feel like i only ever talked about myself when we were friends. i rarely talk about myself, so i tried really hard to put myself out there for you. whether that pushed you into a place where you didn't talk about yourself, i don't know. sometimes, i wish i was better at words. sometimes, i feel like my words are too harsh, or maybe i'm being manipulative by saying certain things. these days, even when i cry by myself, and even when i wish i had someone to confide in, i think i'm being manipulative. funny, isn't it? i am crying, and yet i feel i have no right to because i am just being manipulative. but i'm not being manipulative, i know that, but i can't help but feel that i am. i know there's no way trauma can be compared, that trauma is trauma no matter what, but do i really deserve to reach out for help? you see, i've realized something about myself. i don't think about myself until i have to; i ignore how i feel until i can't ignore it anymore. it builds up after days, weeks, months, until eventually i have one of those monthly breakdowns where i cry for five hours straight. but even then, am i not just using this as an excuse to not do my school work? i also looked into the detriments of overparenting and sheltered children. i don't know how you grew up, but i know we both had strict parents. my parents have grown to be more lenient in recent years, but the way they were during my childhood still haunt me. how their every answer was no, how they never cared for my emotional well-being, how they have made efforts in my young adulthood to be there for me, but some wounds are just too deep. my parents aren't bad people, but i can't confidently say they love me. my dad cried for me when he saw i was valedictorian. is that all i am? i always wanted to get praised, but maybe i've grown accustomed to not getting any that when he congratulated me, i felt empty. when anyone compliments me, i feel empty. when i talk to anyone, when anything happens to me, i feel empty. that sounds so edgy, but i always check myself. is what i'm feeling genuine? i wish i could live in the moment. you know, i can't blame my shortcomings on just my parents' overparenting. but the way i grew up, the way they raised me, it's becoming apparent how it has affected me. my family and i don't really have an emotional connection, and i think that mirrors a lot of my friendships. no emotional connection, and if there is one, i don't feel it. i can't see it. i can't even title a relationship i have as a friendship. even when i call people friends, it leaves a bitter aftertaste. it doesn't feel right. which i don't like. it's not fair to those who consider me a friend. it wasn't fair to you, who considered me a friend. i don't really know where i'm going with this. but i just want us to be happy, wherever we may be.

i read somewhere that we shouldn’t love from a place of insecurity, expecting love in return—that we should love because we love. i think, when we were friends, i loved you from a place of insecurity. of course, you don’t have to ‘love yourself before others start to love you’ because sometimes, you need the love from others to see the beautiful parts of yourself. but the way i loved you was poison. sometimes, i read things and it still reminds me of you. or i read something that makes me reflect on the friendship i had with you, i had with others. i don’t want to love from a place of insecurity anymore. i want to love because i love, without expecting nothing in return. these days, i always check myself, i always question everything i do. is what i feel genuine? i learned that treating yourself like that, questioning your every intention, is an excuse for avoiding how you feel. i think i’m making leaps towards progress, but i am just stunting myself more and more. i don’t know why i want to tell you these things on my mind, but maybe it’s because you’re the only person i have ever been... borderline transparent with. i’m not sure how to call it. but i’m pouring all of these negative emotions on you again, aren’t i? even though i haven’t messaged you in such a long time, even though i’m writing this anonymous message, i still feel guilty for pouring out all of this onto you. i wonder what things would be like if i wasn’t so weak, wasn’t such a coward. would you still be here, in my life like the close friend you were? one day, i hope i can write a positive message to you, when i no longer love from a place of insecurity, and love because i love.

i feel like i can't apologize enough. i knew you always felt like you weren't a priority to others, that you felt no one liked you. i wanted to change that for you, i wanted to treat you like you were my priority, to let you know that i do like you and that i am your friend. but when i left, i can only imagine that my actions confirmed your feelings for you. and i'm sorry for not thinking it through. i'm sorry for not considering your feelings, but i want to reiterate that i left to better myself in hopes that one day, we can naturally befriend each other once more. i want to be a better friend to you, and i am trying to become a better person for myself. to do that, i had to focus on myself; i am still focusing on myself. i want to love myself and become confident, but it takes a lot of willpower within myself to make it actually happen. yes, i have met new people along the way. i wish you were among them, but i'm scared that you'll think i'm hypocritical. how could i leave you then come back? sometimes, i have a lot of thoughts. sometimes, i want to tell you a lot of things, but i'm scared to.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i want to say it again and again and again until you know i mean it, until you know it was my fault, my selfish reasons. that it wasn't you, it was me. i dont know how to make you realize that other than apologizing.

it's been a year since we stopped talking. sometimes, i think about you and hope that things are well. i always hope that things are going well for you. i want to reach out again, but i don't think you'll like that and i think it'll bring back a lot of unpleasant feelings. maybe one day, when i stop being a coward, i can at least say hi again.

sometimes, i think about what would happen if i didn't decide to just stop talking to you. i hope you know it was truly for my mental health. i became obsessed and clingy, seeking validation and overthinking constantly. i swore to myself i would never be like that to you, but i ended up being that way. i cherished our friendship so much, but those feelings of overthinking and being second choice overwhelmed me that i had to take a step back. i know i told you we might some day cross paths again, and i really hope we do. sometimes, i still think about the way i ended things. it was bad. i miss being your friend.

is it weird that i still check up on you every once in a while? i wonder if you do the same. i feel like a crazy person, but i always just want to make sure you're okay. i don't feel like i'm in any position to make you happy because i feel like all i gave you was unpleasant feelings. so, when i see you unhappy, i always wish that i could reach out, but i'm too cowardly. i can only hope that you know i always want you to be happy.

it's a little strange thinking back on our friendship. i truly thought we were one in the same person. we had similar interests and similar problems. you wanted to be someone's priority, just as i did. so, i thought i could be that person for you at least. i wanted to be that person for you, to be there for you. but i think i bombarded you with all of my problems and insecurities way too much, especially so early in our friendship like that. i shouldn't have done that. it was too much for you, it was selfish of me. i felt like i was using you to vent, to make myself feel important to someone and gain validation. that's why i told you i stopped talking to you. no, you were not annoying. you were not boring. you were not the reason as to why i stopped talking to you. you are wonderful, the greatest friend, the kindest person filled with so much love to give. i want to reiterate that it was me, i was the reason for not talking to you anymore. i don't want you to blame yourself anymore. please stop blaming yourself.

but it's been a long time since we last messaged each other. i wonder how you're doing. i hope things are going well. things have been going well for me, at least i'd like to think so. i have met some new people, and maybe one day i can call them friends. but you know, i hate that word. "friends." what is a friend anyway? i think i spend too much time fantasizing about what a friend could be rather than actually building friendships. i wish i knew what a friend was, but it's so ambiguous. i think that you were my friend. you know, i asked for advice on omegle from a random person when i messaged you again in january. i don't really have anyone to confide in with my problems, so i settled with a stranger on omegle. i told them you were my first real friend. i don't know how well i can fact check that as my memory is very foggy, but i think it's been awhile since i have had someone to call a friend. people i hang out with at school are people i stick with out of convenience. they have no regards for my feelings like you did. they didn't share interests with me like you did. they didn't talk to me like you did, make me laugh like you did, they didn't treat me like you did. you were the first friend i've had in a long time, since elementary. someone whom i can feel comfortable with, someone who understood my humor. i think what a "friend" is, is you. i know i said i'm too cowardly and scared to message you again because i dont want to bring back unpleasant feelings, but the truth is i don't know if you ever want me in your life again.