Unsent Messages

i read somewhere that we shouldn’t love from a place of insecurity, expecting love in return—that we should love because we love. i think, when we were friends, i loved you from a place of insecurity. of course, you don’t have to ‘love yourself before others start to love you’ because sometimes, you need the love from others to see the beautiful parts of yourself. but the way i loved you was poison. sometimes, i read things and it still reminds me of you. or i read something that makes me reflect on the friendship i had with you, i had with others. i don’t want to love from a place of insecurity anymore. i want to love because i love, without expecting nothing in return. these days, i always check myself, i always question everything i do. is what i feel genuine? i learned that treating yourself like that, questioning your every intention, is an excuse for avoiding how you feel. i think i’m making leaps towards progress, but i am just stunting myself more and more. i don’t know why i want to tell you these things on my mind, but maybe it’s because you’re the only person i have ever been... borderline transparent with. i’m not sure how to call it. but i’m pouring all of these negative emotions on you again, aren’t i? even though i haven’t messaged you in such a long time, even though i’m writing this anonymous message, i still feel guilty for pouring out all of this onto you. i wonder what things would be like if i wasn’t so weak, wasn’t such a coward. would you still be here, in my life like the close friend you were? one day, i hope i can write a positive message to you, when i no longer love from a place of insecurity, and love because i love.