Unsent Messages

but it's been a long time since we last messaged each other. i wonder how you're doing. i hope things are going well. things have been going well for me, at least i'd like to think so. i have met some new people, and maybe one day i can call them friends. but you know, i hate that word. "friends." what is a friend anyway? i think i spend too much time fantasizing about what a friend could be rather than actually building friendships. i wish i knew what a friend was, but it's so ambiguous. i think that you were my friend. you know, i asked for advice on omegle from a random person when i messaged you again in january. i don't really have anyone to confide in with my problems, so i settled with a stranger on omegle. i told them you were my first real friend. i don't know how well i can fact check that as my memory is very foggy, but i think it's been awhile since i have had someone to call a friend. people i hang out with at school are people i stick with out of convenience. they have no regards for my feelings like you did. they didn't share interests with me like you did. they didn't talk to me like you did, make me laugh like you did, they didn't treat me like you did. you were the first friend i've had in a long time, since elementary. someone whom i can feel comfortable with, someone who understood my humor. i think what a "friend" is, is you. i know i said i'm too cowardly and scared to message you again because i dont want to bring back unpleasant feelings, but the truth is i don't know if you ever want me in your life again.