continuing from what i said on this earlier, i wish you still wanted me, but i wish you happiness even more. i understand that that’s not with me anymore. i understand i have to let you go, i’ve tried the minute you did but it’s so hard because i love you so much.

but i understand you don’t love me the way you used to. and it’s totally ok. i can’t expect you to and i don’t blame you for anything and i wish you wouldn’t blame yourself either. it’s just life, maybe we were meant for each other in another life but clearly it wasn’t this one. please stay happy and i love you always. that’s all.

i don’t think you’ll ever see these and i honestly hope you don’t. i write these because i can’t text you but i need to get this weight off my chest. i really miss you a lot, honestly a whole lot extra today. i wish i could text you or i wish you would text me but it seems impossible. sucks cause we used to talk everyday. i wish more than anything we never broke up or at least you never left my life. nothing feels the same without you here and i miss everything.

it’s currently 6:51 am and i’ve been up since 5 because my head keeps racing with thoughts about you. sometimes i text you but unsend the message immediately. i do that because of mornings like this where i can’t get you off my mind. i’ll think it’s a great idea to text you but then immediately after realize it’s not and then i’ll unsend it and feel like an idiot and sometimes i even break down crying after. i hate being apart from you. i hate not knowing what’s going on in your life i hate not being able to speak to you i hate not being able to see you or hold you or kiss you or any of that i hate not being in your life. i hate it so much. i miss you and it’s literally breaking me.

i send these messages in grey because it was one of your favorite colors btw. one out of the three. red, green, grey. not sure if they still are but that’s what you told me in february last year when we were playing 21 questions. i just don’t understand, you tell me i should remember my worth but it’s hard. i watched the person i loved so much go from looking at me like i was everything they ever wanted to looking at me and not feeling what they used to. it hurts so bad because i still love you and i think i’ve made that more than clear. i just wish i could get a chance to redo our relationship because maybe this time i’d try harder to be what you want. that’s all i want is to just be what you want again. i remember you telling me in may that i was all you wanted, and that youre very in love with me, and now in november you told me you don’t want me, that you want no contact with me and that i’m weird. i cried for hours after that. i know it was my fault but it hurt so bad hearing you tell me you don’t want me. cause i already knew but hearing it from you broke my heart all over again because you wanting me is all i ever wanted since i fell for you in that stupid cave at school. i just wish you would come back. i can’t stop thinking about you i can’t stop missing you and it’s driving me insane. you probably think i’m better off but i’m not.

and you know what i hate the most? you say you were toxic and that i deserved better. but i didn’t want better, i wanted you. because to me there isn’t better. i wanted you to love me enough to where you would be better for me. and you know what maybe you were toxic in your head, but to me you were the only one who ever treated me like i mattered when we were together. you made me so happy. and that’s another thing i hate most is when you tell me you were toxic. because like i said maybe you were, maybe your mindset wasn’t good but honestly let’s face it, maybe you were the villain in your own story but you were never once the villain in mine. not then not now not ever. and i know you hate that you hurt me but what you don’t understand is that the only reason i’m so hurt is because i want you here, is because i miss you, and i think that should speak for itself. it’s now 7:04 am and i should sleep before i decide to write this in your dms.

i can’t fall back asleep. i miss you. i’m thinking about summer, seeing you all the time and building an ever stronger bond. falling even more in love. i think the camping trip is my favorite memory we have even though i never considered to have a favorite. i guess if i did though it would be that one. going to the beach with you and meeting new dogs. showering. surfing on the logs lmfao and surfing on the actual surf board even though the water was so freezing. walking down the beach singing moana and frozen songs. getting s’mores all over my face and you wiping it off for me lol. having to go to the bathroom at 3 am and you fighting a tree. and my favorite was falling asleep with you next to me, and waking up to you pulling me to you. that really made me think about how this could actually be a permanent thing, because waking up next to you felt so right and i never wanted another way to wake up. hurts cause now i don’t even wake up to you on the phone. or not even a message from you telling me goodmorning. i miss you so much. honestly i don’t think i’ve ever missed anyone this bad in my life.

yesterday i asked for the spanish homework because i was having probably one of the worst days since november and couldn’t focus on anything andddd you blocked me :/ which sucked lol. but i’m not mad i understand and idk why i thought you would actually give me it anyways lol. i feel extremely stupid and sad.

i’m really tired and i feel so worthless. i wish i knew what i could do to be good enough for you. i used to be all you wanted i used to be your “dream girl” and now i feel like you hate me. i hate this. i really wish you loved me like you used to because this hurts so bad.

i really wish you still wanted me. i really wish you still loved me. i would do literally anything just for you to want me again. i really fucking wish i was good enough for you.

i feel selfish. i miss you and want you back but i know you weren’t happy with me. i know you’re probably happier now. i just wish you were happy with me around because i miss having you around yk. it’s another one of those nights where i miss you more than ever. i truly hope you know your worth, and i truly hope you know that you never did anything wrong. you said everything was your fault but it’s not. you did nothing wrong. you’re literally one of the best kind hearted people i’ve ever met and i wish you knew that. you deserve so much happiness and i wish life gave that to you a little easier. i still love you but i love you enough to want you to be happy with or without me. :/ i miss you. idek if any of this makes sense i’m intoxicated right now and about to be even more. i’ve been getting intoxicated a lot recently just to try and forget you. almost never works. infact i don’t think it’s ever worked. hope you’re ok

i literally wish that i never met you. why tf can’t i get over you when i clearly didn’t mean shit to you. why tf am i so hurt when you’re over here with someone new. fuck you bro i’m tired of being this hurt.

i’m so heartbroken. i wish you weren’t everything i’ve ever wanted and i wish you weren’t everything i’ve been looking for. hating you would be so much easier.

i wouldve never done that to you.