Unsent messages to SPENCER

i will wait for you. whether it takes you a week or a year or i have to wait until another life. whenever you feel like reaching out i will be there.

if u see this i do still love you and can’t do it without you
i shouldn’t have moved on and that will all be over
send me an anon message saying you’ve seen this with my initial so i know for sure or just text me
i will wait for you baby

if it was you who put that message then know i will love you forever too
i shouldn’t have moved on and i don’t think i’m going to be with that person
i was wrong
message me
we can try again i promise
yes this is who u think it is

i miss you, dumbass. i miss your stupid jokes and the food you used to cook me and the way you played with my hair. i miss your laugh, those eyes, that stupid smile that keeps me up at night. you chose her and i get that, but when did life start getting so blurry?

“she has left forever, let blood flow from my eyes till my eyes are lamps lit for loves darkest places”

to fade away awhile, away from this taxing world. if only we could come back
unaware of the change in the people who trusted you to be there

and broke when you were gone

i’ve moved on and found peace in my heart to forgive you. i am so much happier now and am getting what i’ve always deserved. as much as they hurt, thank you for the lessons you taught me. they’ve shaped me into who i am today; and i couldn’t be more satisfied with who i’ve become.

I really like you. You give me butterflies just by simple existing. The day we hung out we'll forever be one of my favorite memories of us. :)

i still listen to music that reminds me of us but i'm finally letting you go. you caused me too much pain.

Hey Spence,
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about you. Your laugh and your sense of humor... You know, I had the biggest crush on you, but you left school really abruptly, without notice. This summer I went to your funeral, and your hair was curly the way that you always liked it. It was nice seeing you one last time.

It's been 3 years and yet still, everytime I meet someone new, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't lost you.

i wish i could apologize for everything. i wish you could apologize for everything. i wish we were on the same page. knowing that we will never be in each other's lives ever again scares me but is also weirdly comforting.

if you read this text me . yes me u know who i am . we both fucked up but after everything we’ve been through we can’t just be strangers. i stopped wanting and needing you but i won’t stop loving you even if it’s not in a romantic way .

i’m crying over you again. i don’t want you back or anything i just,, the words you say still affect me. i just need comfort.

i’m over you but just why? everytime i think back to it i wonder what i did wrong. was i not good enough? i starved myself for you, i stopped binding for my body to be more appealing to you, i pretended to hate my interests that made ME happy for you, i tried talking to you all the time, i loved you and this is how i get paid in return? you almost killed me but i found people that truly cared about me and saved me. but i’m doing better now, i eat whatever i want, i’m passionate about the things i like, i don’t act like i want a bigger chest size anymore and i talk to people that aren’t just you because i know i don’t need one person to give all my attention to. i hope you are doing better too but i hope i haunt ur mind every single day.

I miss talking to you more , I feel like we’re slowly distancing ourselves from each other and i don’t like it :(

i’m so sorry baby
i miss you more every day
i had to do this to distract myself from the fact you don’t want me and never will.
i’m sorry about her :/

My Soul is lost without you.every part of me searches for you constantly. I see you in my dreams, i always see your name, I hear every song and think of you. My soul is lost without you and it’s all my fault.


maybe m

we’re meant for eachother. idc what anyone says or how selfish it is to admit it. we were brought together for a reason.

we fucked up.
we
are two fucked up people and i wish we weren’t. maybe things would’ve been better. imu.

I have always had a soft spot for you. I started to like you again and I thought there was a slim chance of you liking me back. I had hope, I didn't think you looked and talked to just friends like that. I just got done crying after my friend said what you said. I know how you ment it and I know you don't know I like you, but I'm sure you probably think I do now. People are pitting me now. Oh well I'll cry abt it then move on, its usually what happens. Sorry if I ghost you its my coping mechanism.

Love and dependency aren't the same thing. Maybe we were young and stupid and maybe I hurt you more than I know, but guilting someone into a relationship is never okay. I was a real person too, not just a character in your favorite movie or whatever else you wanted me to be. I carry around a lot of baggage because of you, but genuinely I hope you will be able to find happiness in your life even though I no longer wish to be a part of it.

Im sorry we were too young for our special love. You were the right person, but wrong time. I hope we reconnect soon.Imy

you’re coming back. i knew deep down you would but i let everyone else sway me to believe it was impossible for you to want me. i pray you give my closure this time and you don’t hurt me again. i really like you but i’m scared. i’m not scared to admit it, or even act on it, but im scared of getting back in that awful spot i was in when you left. i wasn’t myself, i felt so low. and even the highest thrill that you give me isn't worth that.

sometimes, when we are hurt we can’t tell if we hurt others. sometimes the pain is too big to realize anything else. you hurt me and maybe i hurt you too. if i did, i’m sorry. i know you’ve been through a lot, and i’m sorry if i ever mad it worse, which i most likely did. i hope you find happiness. even if i can no longer see you grow, i just know you’ll be amazing one day. i’m so sorry and i wish things didn’t end the way they did. i wish we had a bit longer to be friends and maybe work things out. i’ll forever wish you the best. good luck :) m

i’m in love with you. it’s been like two years and i still haven’t told you. now we don’t even speak to each other. i miss you.

i hate you i hate you i hate you. i loved you and you broke me. i just figured out 4 months later you cheated and the feelings are finally gone. something snapped in me. your an absolute piece of shit, you look down on me and think im weak because im mentally ill when you are too. you hate me for no reason. i hate you. fuck you spencer. never speak to me again.

i could never see myself just passing you on the street, stopping to say hi and catching up, i don’t want us to be strangers, like nothing ever happened

you even ended up planning out how u were going to propose to me . u wrote down all of ur ideas in a notebook on every single facetime call we had . and thats how my love for blue butterflies and sunsets started .

You said you didn't want to hurt me, that's why we weren't together. But you not being with me hurts more.

im not sure if we were soulmates, but it sure did feel like it. i want you to know that everything that went down is simply water under the bridge and a piece of my heart will always belong to you.

I don't know why you're the first person I thought to write to. I guess it goes to show how much of my mind that you truly occupy. Above all else, I want reciprocation. I want things to be how they were. What changed? I know I took it for granted and the second I started to care, you stopped. Now I can't exhale until your name pops up on my phone again, I take so long to text back because every time I do, I'm scared I'll never get another response.

Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I wish I’d never met you. Whenever I think of you, I think about how you made me cry in front of people for the first time.

i dont think you realize how much I actually love you and how willing id be to drop anything for you, you consume my thoughts

I miss u. I really do. I wish we hadn’t gone down two very separate paths, cause you never know what we could’ve been.

you loved my wedding plans for my future, and now I can't show them to anybody without thinking of us.

I love you so much, I can't let you go... like something's holding me back.
But you chose her and every other girl, why?

You made me want to stay, and live and breath on this planet and I can't thank you enough for it. I miss you, and I will always be right here waiting for you.

i just want to get to know you more and more. i rlly don't know what you think of me, but I want to let you know that ill always be here for you

Spencer I really like you and you a really sweet and nice guy but i sorta don't like you this makes me feel so stupid. You just make me feel so good about myself but I don't see us being anything. i really like you but sadly my heart is on someone else and i hate it so much. I hate him and the idea of him but i'm also love him, spencer i just want to say sorry and i hope u realize i am bullshit and u find someone else.

The thought of you makes me cry, I still try to remember the times that were good and happy. The times where I was smiling just thinking of you not crying. I try to remember what that feels like but it's gone... your gone and your never coming back. So maybe I won't ever feel that feeling again.

even though you live far & you probably don’t feel the same but i love you. i hope to say it to your face someday.

i'm confused. i think u like me but idk and idk if i like u back. i cant tell if i like u or the attention. im just so confused

I still miss you. I miss talking to you everyday. You are one of the greatest guys i've ever met and i hope you are doing well. We just recently got back in touch and I know you aren't okay, I know you but I don't want to force our friendship and loose you again.

One day I hope I can call you mine. I told the stars about you and you’re always on my mind still. No matter what I do my head still has a special place that makes me always think of you. You felt like home. You’re not the same as you used to be. You used to be the person who would actually look forward to calling me, text me whenever you were happy so you could spread it to me, text me asking if I was doing ok almost every second so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. You were there. Why can’t we go back to that now we’re just two ghosts that act like we didn’t ft every second and spent the whole quarantine with each other. You were the only other person I ever trusted talking abt my mom and I’ve never regretted it more. I miss the old us

I miss you. You act like I’m never there. Why can’t I ever do anything right. You felt like home. I don’t know what I did without you.

You blessed me with the worst fucking trust issues to transfer over to every boy I've talked to since you

i didnt wanna unadd you, but every time you posted about someone else my heart broken over again. i’m only stuck on you because i never got the closure i needed

the world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. the curves of your lips rewrite history.

I still remember how you used to call me pink thinking that i hated it but when you said it i couldn't help but not