Unsent messages to MAGGIE

i think i have a crush on you, but i just say think to try and convince myself i don’t, but i do. I hate to admit it because i know you don’t think or are even close to seeing me that way, so i’ll sit back and act like everything’s okay whenever you call someone cute or say you want to date someone.

I've lived you for so long and have no idea how to tell you. I wish it were easy. I wish you could live me back.

i miss the good times we had. we only really lasted a month and a half but i was in love with you for five. maybe i still am, idk. you made me feel like the best person alive in the time we were together and all i want is to have that happiness back. the only thing keeping me from sending this to you is the way it all ended. you were so cold that night. first you say you want to take a break. i express that i dont want to but you mention how the feeling of not texting me enough gives you anxiety - which isnt my fault but i understand - so i gave in, wanting the best for you. calling it a break gave me so much hope. that night we ended the conversation by saying "i love you" and i think that just broke me even more. then we casually snapped over the next few days until i felt like you were avoiding me so i asked you about it. the very next message i got from you was "sorry i just dont like you." wtf?? like seriously, who does that? you were my first gf, first real relationship, and my first kiss. like you cant just bluntly say it like that and expect me not to get upset. you were my best friend and i loved you. i wouldve done anything for you. then to top it all off, a few days later you said you didnt owe me an apology and just wanted to make sure we didnt have any "beef." are you kidding me? i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but now im honestly glad that happened because now i know how fucking heartless you are. im trying to just be happy we were together at one point at all and just try and forget how we ended because you being a girl and you being my first kiss is kind of a big deal to me. now any time i post anything about loving myself, your online friends screenshot it to send to you. who tf does that? and i know that if you end up finding this, you wont read to the end or at least wont text me about it because, just like when i sent you a paragraph the night we broke up, you dont want to read or respond to "fucking essays."

The type of love I felt for you was honestly life changing and I haven’t been the same sense. I don’t know why I fucked it up but I did. I’m sorry

you became one of my best friends so fast and i am so thankful for you. i talked about it to one of our mutual friends tonight, that the last person i met that i felt this close with is someone i will love forever and ever. i know you’ll be a person like that for me. you’re truly my shawty and one of my closest pals. nobody really gets me as much as u. i miss when our mattresses were on the floor, but we will reunite soon miss girl ily ily ily

you promised you wouldn’t leave me. now we don’t talk at all. I miss you, as a friend. I loved our relationship and I feel like we’ve both learned a lot from it. I’m happy that you moved on. I mean, at least it seems like you did. I’m not sure if I am over you yet. A while ago I told you I still had feelings for you, and you said you felt the same way. I know that feeling’s probably gone now, but I hope that one day we can reconnect and get our old friendship back.. I miss you MS.

To know it’s impossible that you’ll ever like me back hurts the most. I still dream of you. You’re so beautiful and you don’t even know, and you probably never will. But you’ll never like me. Will you ever read this? I don’t know, or maybe you’re a different Maggie thinking is this about me. I don’t know. You’re my best friend but I’m in love with you.

i tried this before but it wasnt right. im like 99% sure i read one of these that you wrote for me. im sorry things have changed so much. i hope everything goes back to normal. its so weird that through everything i still know everything about you. i feel like i know your family just from how much you've told me and i still know your stuffed animals names. you know im not very in touch with my emotions but everything was real to me i never meant to hurt you at all. im not sure if ive made the right decisions through all this but its just made it easier. next summer?

i think i loved you i dont really know what that means to me but i think were gonna work out one day. it probably wont be that soon but i dont think what we had is gone forever.

You shouldn’t have put me in that position. I did what I thought was right. I’m so sorry if it made things worse. I hope you’re doing better now.

I think we're in love with each other, but I'm too afraid too say anything. I don't wanna ruin our friendship. You'll always be my person, if were not together or not.

i think you know i’ll always love you & maybe our love is for another lifetime. however, i didn’t mean to mess things up— i just wanted to hold you again & pretend that the world wasn’t cruel like we did went times were easier.

i feel like you hate me. :/ i wish you just told me the truth. you're so different now. but im glad you're better.

For a while you made me happy I loved you with everything I had in me we’d create stories together we’d bond over the trauma caused by our moms we grew up together you were the person I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with but after you left me and instantly replaced me with someone else it’s like I lost my worth to you from that day froward like all I ever was to you was what I could give you and that was momentary happiness. When you got an upgrade it’s like our relationship meant nothing to you. You treated me like expired waste. You hardly ever bothered to speak to me. You’d only come back when you needed emotional reinforcement. and even now in 2020 it’s just the same thing except sugar coated
You say you’re sorry you say you wish you would’ve been better you say you want to be better but nothing ever changes nothing ever gets better and no matter what my stupid self always stayed for you.I never let go because I loved you because I really believed in you because I thought that deep down you were still that sweet compassionate person. That you would be better. That we could work through it together. But just recently after confronting you, you just ran away..you hid. And I see you seem happier not caring not bothering to explain. It hurts because it shows how little I’m really worth to you. That I’m just easily discarded of and forgotten only picked up when I can be of some type of use. You used me Maggie. You still do you’re just nicer about it now. You’ve hurt me more than anyone ever has. You genuinely make me feel completely worthless. You and mom and Sam just reinforce the idea that I’m not worth anything. It makes me not wanna be here it makes me think I’d be better off with my dad. And I could never bring myself to stop loving you but..honestly fuck you. Fuck you for lying to me and making me think that you loved me but you never bother to show it you never bother to make even one god damn sacrifice when I gave everything I had in me to you. You’re hardly there for me considering I’ve always made the time and effort to be there for you. And hell I even doubt myself sometimes...and to clarify this isn’t about Edwen I’m not bitter over the breakup I’m bitter over the treatment that came afterwards. The way you’ve told me that we should just run away together, that you felt like you were just settling for him the way you got with me after the breakup and left me a week later. I know you were coming from a place of hurt but you have no idea how those things affected me. It’s like you’d come back when he left but went straight back to him as soon as you guys made up. You treated me like an emotional toy you know how I’ve felt about you for a long ass time Maggie and you never even stopped to consider how I’d be affected afterwards. And that’s the issue I had with that note it felt like another attempt at that. And I’m tired I’m tired of never being taken into consideration I’m tired of being used I’m tired of crying myself to sleep and taking medication to numb the pain. I’m tired of caring so much and putting so much effort into this relationship while you put practically nothing in. I feel so stupid and used.

this is a message to myself. why do u feel like this? j be happy. i’m tired of u feeling like this. is there smtg wrong w you. do u need help or are u just making a big deal out of this. find the ppl that make u happy. fix broken friendships. find someone that likes you for you. don’t let ppl play u. be a better person. it’s not that hard but all your doing is trying to get through the day without crying. just starve yourself. it’s not that hard to do. you’ll be pretty and then he’ll like u. or will he j keep using u? ik u miss your dad. why did he leave? did u do something wrong. what abt your brother. why does he not talk to u. ig everyone j hates u. might as well j go ahead abt end it. end everything. it’ll be easier.

I would've still loved you if you hadn't still been talking to that guy who you hated, since you still loved him.

I am so happy I met you. I know we both hated each other in 4th and 5th grade. you have no idea how much I needed you in my life you have helped me over come my fear of food and so much more. I just wanted to say that I love you as a friend. :)

I am so sorry for not being able to show you how much I actually loved you and cared about you. You were my first real love and you will always have a special place in my heart, even if you hate me. I am so sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I still hate myself for it, and I’m sure you do too. I’m trying to move on. So are you, and you probably already have. I wish we lasted. I wish we worked out. I wish I could’ve shown you how much I loved you, and how much I still love you. I know you hate talking to me and I am so sorry for trying to start conversations with you. I really do want to move on and I really am trying, but it’s do incredibly hard when you lost your best friend and the love of your life at the same time. I want to thank you for all those years we spent together. I remember you said you believed we were soulmates. I still believe we might be, but I’m sure you couldn’t care less about me. I’m sorry for the way our friendship ended. I’m sorry for not being able to show you the love you deserve. I miss talking to you and I miss being your friend. I hope we can be friends again in the future. I love you.

maggie i love you so much but it fucking sucks to have to compete with you all the fucking time. its not an on purpose type of compete, but more of something that just happens. the guys are always asking whos your friend? and never me. its not even that im jealous its just that you make me feel unloved. even our friends started hanging out with you, without me. and it sucks that i know its happening and you still talk about it in front of me. i also know its not something youre trying to do to hurt me but it still does

Hiya, I wanna say your so beautiful and worth the world bb, i miss you more than ever rn, i wish i could see your face again even though you hate me now. I hope you, your sister, your mum and your step dad are all okay and if not i send my love. I'm dating the love of my life, even though i thought it was gonna be you, I'm so inlove with everything ellie does. She gave me her hoodie on sunday when i wanted to cry and i was anxious because a man was following us and me and ellie just didnt know what to do at all so to calm me down she gave me er hoodie and i still have it and it smells exactly like her. I hope you remember me maggie...

you’re literally my only friend and I love you you’re so funny it pains me and i’m so jealous seeing you hangout with other people because you have the life I want to live ?

I was not their for you as much as I wanted to be, I’m sorry. I hope you are able to love yourself one day, as much as you love others. You have a gentle soul and a kind heart, and a strong potential in life. Be better than I was, Give love.

you’re the most toxic person that’s ever come into my life and i wish i never bothered trying to make you my best friend. you caused me to go through so much shit and i don’t forgive you for it.

you showed me how to care for others. I could not be anywhere near where I am without you... You got this!

M.A.W, i love you but i’m lying to you and i can’t tell you but i really want to and it sucks because sometimes i feel like you’re the only one who loves me

you are the help towards the reason i might not be straight but i know it would never work. i love you as a friend and im so glad i have someone like you. i hope i never lose you. Songs that make me think of us: Sofia (Clairo), Cornelia Street (TS)

I wish I had said yes. All the time I wish I did. (And to be honest I’m mad at myself for missing you again at the time of me writing this.)