Unsent messages to CALLUM

i’ve always loved u

I loved you more than I ever loved anyone even myself

i love you

I love him more than I ever loved you.

You are so precious to me

I wish you knew how much you deserve and I'm sorry I couldn't make you realise that when I had the chance.

As much as it hurts me I will never stop loving you even if you don’t love me any longer. But a small part of me thinks that you still do.

it’s been a year now.
i wrote a poem about you last year when i ended it, i did love you but i couldn’t stay. now you’re happy with someone else and sometimes my heart longs for what we used to have. but we were just kids and i was stupid. i’ll always love you though.

here’s my poem

Fuck you.

the pain is physical
wounded, it creeps in
mentally scaring
you leave them
undeniably lonely

fuck you

days obsessing over the hurt
why me?
enjoyable, a fun game,
tears leave memories
engraved forever

fuck you

believing i had no worth
unobtainable thoughts
racing
a constant cycle
one which can not be broken
even now

fuck you

weeks obsessing over the hurt
why me?
a chew toy, disposable,
words leave scars
imprinted to my soul

fuck you

moving on lures me in
i get closer
but i can't
his lips don't send shivers down my spine
his hands creep up
he's not you
i don't deserve this

fuck you

months obsessing over the hurt
why me?
rock paper scissors of my mind
your touch ruined me
i don't know how to live

fuck you

I fought for our relationship for so long, I did that until I had nothing left. Then after i had nothing you told me you were ready to give me everything. The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make was telling you I couldn’t go on any longer. I still love you. I think i always will

you promised me a forever but you left. i’m stupid enough that if you promised it again, i’d fall for it.

Just wish you'd make up your mind, part of me is sick of waiting for you but the other part just can't and won't stop.

i don’t know why i fell for u i wish i never did it kinda hurts that i fell for you but u will never know :( love becky

You used me and hurt me but whenever you message I feel the need to message you back and make sure you’re ok

i hate you. i hate when you make me cry, even more when you make me laugh, i hate when you do stupid little things to help me because you know i can't, i hate when you compliment me and give me butterflies, i hate when you lay on my lap or put your hand on my thigh, i hate that you make me feel safe and i hate that i know you'll always be it for me. really i love you, but you don't, i hope one day you do.

i wish i could put all my trauma into a box and throw it into the sea, i hope you remember what you did for as long as you live. i know i will.

you weren’t who i thought you were. you broke me and didn’t even care. i will always have a special place in my heart for you but i’ve let go. i deserve better than someone who treated me the way you did. you’ve destroyed me.

you filled my stomach with butterflies when you walked in a room. i miss you, and i miss that i feeling so deeply

You did what you had to do, i just wish it wasn’t with me. never guessed i’d do the same thing to someone else all these years on. first year seems so much simpler now.

please let go. it’s been over for years. yes i fucked up first but then you completely ripped the wound apart. sort your head out.

it's not your fault you didn't feel the same way but it's not my fault i loved you either - i didn't deserve for you to push me around like that when i didn't even mean for you to find out.

I’m not a microphone and your not a rapper so don’t pick me up and then drop me when you feel like it!

I loved you with everything
We were perfect
I said if our paths crossed again I’d come back
It’s different now :( although I don’t want it to be

i liked you but you didn’t like me ,, it’s g tho atleast we are still good friends and i prefer it that way

You changed my life before you i was so sad and felt like ending it but you have a me a reason to live and you’ve made me so happy

Hey, its that girl u met at centre parcs 2019! i really enjoyed that holiday and wish i got ur snap, oh well i guess. Hope ur doing well

There are still times I find myself thinking about you absentmindedly. I don’t know when I’ll be able to stop.

I think about you everyday. Even though I never loved you and I never really knew you. We lived parallel lives, we went to the same schools with the same people for 14 years and yet I never got to know you, I’m sorry for that I’m sure you were just as amazing as everyone says you were. One thing I do know is your friends spoke so highly of you and loved you endless amounts - I can’t say I’ve ever heard a bad word about you. I’m sorry for what happened to you, I think about you and your family everyday. I know you’re looking down on the ones you love. You made the most of your life and I only wish you could’ve spent many more years enjoying life to it’s fullest - you really deserved it Cal. Gemma told me that you paint the sky whenever there’s a beautiful sunset, I think of you every time i see one. Although I didn’t know you well I knew you were a beautiful person who clearly had a beautiful soul. I hope you’re resting well cal, we’ll see you soon xx

hi, i miss you.
a lot. i wish i could hug you rn. but i can’t.

you’ve got someone else. please give her the biggest hug ever, for me. i don’t want her to feel the way i feel rn.
ive cried nights on end over a picture of us 2?

i remember the first time that i messaged you, you asked me who i liked. i told you he was blonde, funny, and his name began with a c. and you replied with, “wait is that me?” i said ‘yes ofc it is dummy’ and you said you liked me back. i remember how many butterflies i had like it was yesterday. and since then it was our word, and
‘i love you dummy

You have hurt me like no other. I still talk to the sky about you as if you never hurt me at all. she knows I'm lying.

i’ll never forget the way i felt when we were skin to skin, i would admire your goosebumps and the texture so deeply, i hope your next girl does the same, and admires you in the same context as i always did, i miss you but i can’t have you back again, i’m sorry.

i really thought you was the one. but the problem was that you didn’t give me what you first gave me when we first met and i can’t expect you to be different, i know you won’t change.

im sorry, your not the one, I don't like you but I need you I think about you but it won't work your too confusing and im indie asf I love you

hi,i want to know why you hurt me like this,especially when you where in the wrong you lied cheated and then blocked me because I didn’t respond in 10 minutes okay damn that hurt I hate you.

please don't leave, I don't want to remember writing this after you leaving. don't let go of these small hands.

I’m so sorry, fuck I’m really sorry. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can’t. I miss you, you helped me in so many ways, and I helped you. But I feel like you don’t care anymore, which is partly my fault, I just didn’t want to cause anyone else pain and in doing so I hurt you and myself. Guess I’m a clown huh

i loved you so much. i let everything you did slide and worshipped you. when you started to ignore me it broke me. it fucking broke me. i never did one thing wrong to you and you fucking broke me.

I say I am over you and I try to distract myself with other guys. But none of them make me feel the way you did. I miss you but I could never say it.

Here I am 10 years later still looking at the notes we wrote. Please have a good life and even if you turn out gay I’ll be there
X

I miss u and i wish i had never ended it and its something i will regret forever cause i treated me amazing and i ruined it all, i hope youre happy with her u deserve it

the person ive been waiting to use yellow for , except we aren't friends anymore . I still think about you tho .

I see you in more and more of the things around me. I thought we’d run our course, but I guess I’m still doing another lap?

i miss you, more then i should. it's because i still love you, even though i hate you for breaking my heart.

i prayed to a god i didn't believe in to tell you i loved you every night but i cant even visit your grave, i'm sorry

you could rip my heart up into bits and i would but it back together with my tears as the glue, and it would still beat for you.

I can feel it coming, you’re pulling away and I know this feeling and I’m scared that I’m right. I just need you to reassure me that my mind is playing tricks because this feeling is taking over my whole body and making everything ache.

i loved you so fucking much until the day u broke me. The day you broke me i lost myself, you hurt me more then anyone ever has in my life and ive had a rough life, i though i could trust you, i though you'd do what you did. I wish you didnt do what you did to me. You fucking broke me, shattered me into a million pieces, changed me, i hate you and love you so much

the other night, i spent hours trying to see if i could find some way to get in touch with you. its been over 4 years now, you probably don't even remember me, but i think about you a lot still. i still consider you one of my best friends, and i miss you so much it hurts. im sorry relationship drama fucked up our friendship. i hope maybe one day we can talk again. hope you're doing well. all my love, e

Started today thinking about you. And then my friend I spent the day with wore the same aftershave as you. If I blinked for a fraction too long it'd feel like we were walking down the road together. Do you still think of me?

I know I’m not supposed to be in love with you but it’s so hard to stop, even if you do have a girlfriend.

you said we were best friends. why'd you make me so uncomfertable and hurt and angry so many times then?