Unsent messages to AUGUST

You just don't get how hard I tried for you.

I did it for the sake of “love”

I’m sorry I left without saying anything.

You broke me completely and I still miss you every single day.

we didn't get the ending i wanted. but don't be mistaken. the ending i wanted was one final fight. one final chance for me to yell at you. to tell you every single way you managed to hurt me. the way you managed to hurt my friends, too. i wanted to tell you all of that. i wanted to get it off my chest and then never ever see you again.

instead, you just faded out. one day you disappeared from my life and i haven't seen you since. i should be excited to never have to see your face again. to move on to people who actually love me. yet, part of me wants more than just your absence. i want to be the one to drive you away. i want you to leave knowing how horrible you are. and for that, i might be a bad person. i don't care anymore. because the truth is, i didn't care how much you hurt me at first. none of that mattered until you hurt her. then, i knew i wanted you out. you better hope i never see you again.

fuck off.

The silence felt comfortable. The rain made me miss you more. Yet, we sat on that phone call, listening to your music until you fell asleep and I left you a goodnight text. I’ve never felt so calm on a phone call. It was nice. We should do it more often. I miss you. I miss your hugs. I miss everything about you. But I don’t want to get melancholic tonight, you’re making me smile too much.

i feel like when we finally meet irl i won’t be able to stop kissing you. you’re so beautiful it hurts my heart. i wish you could see yourself in my eyes pretty boy. i just want take away all the sadness you have inside you. i’d wait the rest of my life to see you. :)

You'll be okay. This is gonna suck for a while and its not your fault. But youll be okay and better off in the long run :)

I realize now that I was always more committed to us staying friends then you were and it hurts even worse to know how easily you'd use me to get to her

You give me butterflies everytime you speak to me. Yet it hurts just as much when you call me merely a friend. But, I understand. I just want you happy.

why. why did you do this. why the fuck did you do this to me. I'm sorry. ik I messed up. i messed up multiple times and i really am sorry. im sorry why cant you just fucking forgive me. you did shit too. by making me jealous on fucking purpose you fucking bitch. you did it on god damn purpose. why? what'd you get out of it? self worth? fuck you. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. i hate you with my guts. but I also want you back. you made me feel something I've never felt towards anyone else before. I dont get it. I really don't. why do I want you so badly knowing it just never works out between us. every single god damn time. was it me? was i the reason all this shit happened? god fuck I'm sorry. dont you understand that?? do I even love you? or do i just like that affection and comfort you gave me. shit idk why I'm like this. i really wish i could've been better for you. i doubt you'll ever see this, or even know who the hell is writing this. but, i just want you to know that i want you back. or maybe I dont. idk. I wish I did but I really just dont.

youre a bitch. my "history" is none of your business. if i could go back in time this summer would have never happened.

i hate the idea that some of these could be about you, especially when they end w the letter of your last name or are the color of your eyes. it’s funny how my heart jerks with a gross jealousy when these cards speak of their augusts and how they love them despite how awful they- or you- treated them. as if apathy is my only indicator of u now. you were never my type until u fabricated ur personality - the persona u immersed urself in- and u became my first love. you never deserved me or my body or my validation. i loved you for too long, and it is hard to rip myself away from ur existence despite me knowing u don’t give a fuck about mine. never did. i loved you, august. not anymore. i hope u get better. or maybe stay worse - but at the beginning so it’s obvious and u don’t hurt anyone else with how great you are at pretending to be a normal person w real actual empathy. you are so good at faking it that my heart hurts and i am seeing in third person again. did u know i used to say that if anyone in the whole world deserved happiness, it was you? it is a waste of my time to wish i was wrong, but i can’t help but think it would’ve been so lovely to be right

what am i doing wrong. am i not pretty enough. am i not skinny enough. what is it, what is it that makes you not want me. why can’t i be your first choice.

I fell back in again, a little bit. I know it's ridiculous. But hearing about your life and your ambitions made me miss you so much. You are so talented and creative and I wish I still knew you like I used to. I love you always, even if not exactly IN love with you, and I hope someday we can create beautiful things together again.

I know you’ll never see this i’m pretty sure i fell in love with you without ever properly meeting you.

you shouldn’t have made me believe that you wanted to be with me if you were just going to get tired of me, because thats exactly what I was afraid was going to happen and you knew that. I just wish I could’ve been enough for you to stick around longer...

I wish I was enough for you to keep trying. to want to stay. to not leave me like all the others that weren’t nearly as sweet as you. Maybe someday someone will make the mistake of choosing me, but I wish it would be you.

all you had to do was pick me. but you chose her, and I will never feel the same way about you again.

fuck you for leaving like that.i can't tell if you care at all. I'm still waiting for you to say something and I don't know if you ever will. I hate you so much for making me like you and then saying that. I just want to forget ab you but I can't bc I want our friendgroup back. fuck. I just want what we had before back. I'm fucking sorry for being a bitch ok. I'm sorry. fuck you.