i really wish i could talk to you rn. i feel like i’m completely falling apart. the moment i feel like i’m doing better something happens, and i’m back to where i started. i’ve completely lost myself, lost myself by trying to “move on.” by doing things i shouldn’t be doing. doing things that i think will make me feel better ab everything, let me forget my problems. but in the end they just make things worse. i’ve disappointed my mom, and even myself

...like all i can do rn it cry. and i haven’t cried in a while, not even over you. i just want to do better. and be happy. and honestly, the only times i’ve truly been happy are during moments that i’ve shared w you. but you’re gone, and i’m left on my own now. i ask myself everyday, “when will things start getting better?....”

i don’t have a lot of things to be thankful for this year, but the one i’m most thankful for is you. even after everything that has happened between us, i’m grateful for every moment we shared. it didn’t last long, but i will always cherish and looks back at the time we spent together. i love you.

It's been a week and I haven't been able to get you off my mind. The weird thing is, I'm not even sad or hurt, if anything I'm kind of glad. I'm just happy to know that you've been thinking about me all these months, and that you haven't forgotten me. That I still cross your mind, and you think about moments we shared. That you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. Love. The last thing you said was "just know that I do," and now I have even more hope that you'll come back. Even though you said your "goodbye," this isn't our end. I have faith that you'll better yourself and find your way back to me. That we'll work out, and be happy. I have faith, in you, and in us. I love you PJ.

Idk if you even read these, but leaving these here for you gives me some kind of comfort, like i can y’all to you. I tried calling, and it went through, so I’m guessing you’re back. I just want to let you know that I’m done, I’m letting go. I can’t keep holding on to you, holding on to hope. Even since the last time you reached out, I knew that you were just going to end up choosing her, like always. You told me you were going to leave her, and I wanted to believe you so badly, but I was only continuing to hurt myself. I should know at this point to not trust you, because no matter what you say, you’ll never chose me. You never have, and you never will. You only think about what you want, and you don’t care about how it’ll affect me. And that’s the thing, you never have cared about me. Because if you did, you wouldn’t hurt me, and continue hurting me like this. It’s been a year since meeting you, and the sad thing is she’s been a part of it almost the entire time. You kept telling me things would change, and I believed you. I think maybe I just have this idea of you in my head, of who I want you to be for me, of a future with you. But it’s just an illusion. I wanted you to change, to be better for me, and that’s where I went wrong. Because if you wanted to, you could be that person. That person who actually cares about me, and strives for something, for a life. But you don’t want to, not for me at least. And I get that now. I think to myself sometimes, that perhaps you are my soulmate……you’re mine but I’m not yours. Even though I’ve accepted the fact that we will never work out, I want to know how you’re doing. If you’re alright, and happy. Because I still care about you, and I probably always will. I just don’t want to part ways on bad terms. I don’t want you thinking that I hate you, or that I’m holding some type of grudge. All I’m asking for is a chance to say goodbye.

i miss you so much, everyday. why did you tell me you going to leave her? you only gave me false hope. but now, hope is the only thing keeping me sane rn. please come back to me, even if you’re just going to leave again. at least then i’d have a little more time w you.

i’m not even surprised you blocked me, i even told you it was going to happen. that you would disappear again, like every other time. it’s crazy how i’m not even hurt by it anymore, at this point, i’m used to it. did she find out?...did she make you do it? or was it your conscience? i don’t understand how after that night, after you told me you loved me, you would just push me aside again. as if i meant nothing to you. maybe you’re still confused ab everything, ab her, ab me. but there’s something ab all this that i just can’t let go. i think ab you every single day, but it’s almost like this numb feeling. when i saw you that night, it felt like no time had passed. like it hadn’t been 7 months since the last time i had seen you. idk if you felt that way too, but i think that’s why i feel this numbness inside. because ik you’re going to reach out again, or come back. i don’t have to worry and wait, because ik it’ll happen sooner or later. and ik you feel guilty ab what happened that night, but there’s nothing you can do ab it. maybe it was for the best, because if you actually loved her, you wouldn’t have done that. let alone w me. if only she knew...

this is what i’m saying, you can’t stay away. i’m not mad you reached out, but it just gets me thinking. you saying that i’m the best gift you ever got, and how i was the best friend you could have had.....if that’s how you feel, then why not try this, us, again....
merry christmas.