I doubt you'll see this, I don't know if I want you to or not. That's mainly because I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to be talking to you during this "break". I know you said that if something comes up, we'll talk about it, but the vibe of the conversation doesn't seem like it. Idk, it seems like one of those days, the bad ones, where we wouldn't talk to each other much, wouldn't ask each other to take things back, reply to the other person after a long time, you know what I'm talking about. But this time, it feels a little worse? I know this time we've chosen it, which should make it better than those bad days, but -to me- it makes it scarier, and more definitive? Idk, it also feels like we've broken up, and I don't know how to explain that feeling. While a part of me knows that it's a break and that it's not a break-up (even though I'm afraid it might be), a part of me just feels empty? I miss you. I know that it's just the second day and that I have five more to go but I just want to pick up my phone and send you some things I found online, tell you about how my Spanish teacher pissed me off, how my emotions are all over the place, how I have the stupid hormone medication back. I want to open up to you and talk to you about every little part of my day, and how it made me feel. I just scared when you don't do it too. I know it's unfair of me to ask for you to open up at the same pace, I would never dream of asking you for that. It's unfair and it's bullshit, and it's only going to make me procrastinate working on this stupid thing. I promise I'm working on it. I really do want to open up to you and tell you about the stupid things I do and have you question them or ask me to take better care of myself. Idk, like feels weird without you and I don't think I like it. HOWEVER, if you prefer life like this, please don't just stay because you said you will or for any other reason. If you want to stay, stay. This was a random ramble and idk if you'll read it, or when but for whenver you do, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it got to this because of my stupid tendencies. I'm working on all of them, I promise. I really like olive green btw, idk why but a lot of people don't like it. That's something random I would've wanted to tell you. It sounds like I'm trying to guilt-trip you, I'm sorry if it comes off like that. I just wanted to talk to you but I don't know if I can normally.

Idk, I'm not okay and I don't remember when I last was properly okay. I mean the no-emotions-repressed-kind. There are so many things in a day that make me question staying here, on earth. I know we said we'd talk more and I promise, I'm trying to. It's just so hard to stop repressing my emotions or know what all I've already repressed and it gets so hard somedays. It gets so hard to push everything down, slap a smile on my face and go about my day. It's not easy convincing myself to live but, every day, you give me a reason to. You're keeping me alive, thank you for that.

I don't think you're ever going to let me thank you for anything so I'm going to try doing that here? There's so much you do on a daily basis that just keeps me going, that reminds me not to take my emotions out on myself, to wake up tomorrow, to live. I don't think I could ever thank you enough in this lifetime or the one after for how much you've helped me but I'm just going to try do my part as your partner to help you even half as much as you've helped me.

I began pinching again. A while back actually. I don't know how to, or whether to, bring it up because I'm so scared of disappointing you. I know you helped me stop, and I swear I tried. I just couldn't resist.

It's been a week since we each said, "I love you," and, "I love you too." I'm honestly petrified to say it. I can't tell you this because I know that every time you've done that, you've had a valid reason. I get the reasons, they're indisputable. I'm just getting this emotion out here because idk, it scares me that we haven't. We've also been so busy lately and idk, I miss you. I know it's a me thing, and one that I need to work on, but that also scares me. I just like being around you and talking to you properly, and not being able to spend any time together just feels really weird. But like I said, I get it, we're busy. What can I really do but complain?

I'm so worried about your health, and every day it only gets worse. I really wish I could be there for you or do something, especially before it's too late. I'm right here but I really don't know what to do. I know you say that there isn't anything I can do, but I also know you're putting yourself last. I can't ask you to drop everything or put it on the back burner because we've had this discussion before and I know why you don't do that. Which is why I just really want to help.

We're on a break now but this one really feels different. I don't know whether we're going to make it through this or not. I want to, I don't know if you do. I think I need to reflect on the entire relationship though, instead of just the good parts. How did we get here? I go through some of our pictures or older chats and it really makes me wonder how we got here. I want that, I really want that. I want to be able to properly open up to you and have that reciprocated. Idk if that's going to happen though. We both seem to have such different approaches to opening up. I was thinking maybe we can just have this list of questions (I found a great one too), and call weekly and get through as much as we can. Like, we'll start off and be as honest as we can be but as soon as it gets too much for even one person, we can stop and pick it up next week. Idk, in my mind having that list seems like it would help create that ground to build the trust. I'm genuinely really scared to see where this gets us. If it does end though, I hope you're able to find what you're looking for, and I hope someone makes you way happier than I ever could. If it's over, I hope you have the life you deserve but don't believe you do. You're amazing, and whoever gets to be with you, romantically or not, is incredibly lucky. I do love you, and I do hope that this is the right relationship for both of us. If it is, I'm willing to put in the effort and reach a middle ground, I don't know if we're on the same page there but I hope this break helps us each get clarity.