Unsent Messages

I doubt you'll see this, I don't know if I want you to or not. That's mainly because I'm not sure how much I'm supposed to be talking to you during this "break". I know you said that if something comes up, we'll talk about it, but the vibe of the conversation doesn't seem like it. Idk, it seems like one of those days, the bad ones, where we wouldn't talk to each other much, wouldn't ask each other to take things back, reply to the other person after a long time, you know what I'm talking about. But this time, it feels a little worse? I know this time we've chosen it, which should make it better than those bad days, but -to me- it makes it scarier, and more definitive? Idk, it also feels like we've broken up, and I don't know how to explain that feeling. While a part of me knows that it's a break and that it's not a break-up (even though I'm afraid it might be), a part of me just feels empty? I miss you. I know that it's just the second day and that I have five more to go but I just want to pick up my phone and send you some things I found online, tell you about how my Spanish teacher pissed me off, how my emotions are all over the place, how I have the stupid hormone medication back. I want to open up to you and talk to you about every little part of my day, and how it made me feel. I just scared when you don't do it too. I know it's unfair of me to ask for you to open up at the same pace, I would never dream of asking you for that. It's unfair and it's bullshit, and it's only going to make me procrastinate working on this stupid thing. I promise I'm working on it. I really do want to open up to you and tell you about the stupid things I do and have you question them or ask me to take better care of myself. Idk, like feels weird without you and I don't think I like it. HOWEVER, if you prefer life like this, please don't just stay because you said you will or for any other reason. If you want to stay, stay. This was a random ramble and idk if you'll read it, or when but for whenver you do, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it got to this because of my stupid tendencies. I'm working on all of them, I promise. I really like olive green btw, idk why but a lot of people don't like it. That's something random I would've wanted to tell you. It sounds like I'm trying to guilt-trip you, I'm sorry if it comes off like that. I just wanted to talk to you but I don't know if I can normally.