It's 7:42:55 am

I miss you, you’re the only thing I dream about at night, pictured out motions of you flash by me wherever I go, repeating things you’d said out loud before gets frustrating to read. It’s tiring to act a certain way around people when none of them are you, eating has been getting difficult, and I don’t know what to do with what I have in the place of my hands anymore, I’m exactly where I need to be, but I don’t know how to start, I would have never known our routes would leave us here, I'm waiting for your message or a dial.

Nothing pops up, I guess we’re both scared to come forward, or at least I am, maybe I'm being too hard to read now, and everything around me is indeed falling apart, I'm 15 and I'm living in crisis, so are many people but I never found myself struggling to understand as something so complex yet simple. My mind wonders into many places, many to even speak upon on. I slowly watch myself from my mirror and see how much I've changed, I was naive, ignorant, and just plain out serious about certain things, I was more dependent and harder on myself so I could rather improve others, I hate myself for leaving, a sudden grip of guilt in the back of my head. Writing to you is hard to do, laying my head on the lap of my friend while I see her caress me is the one thing I need. I hate this, I hate the distance that shields all around, the tightness of my chest cradles me so gently but holds its dense. I speak for myself when I say I love you, I feel you in the slightest things I'd do, people walking by and I see you in them, I turn my head back to wonder if it is you, but a leave with the water in my hands slipping, hopeless. I wonder if I did things right you’d let me stay, I wonder if you want me the way I still do, I still love you, I still feel everything. It takes me back to when we had met, I felt intimidating, welcomed, afraid in a way. I love you. I love you whenever, wherever. I miss your gentle spoken words, I miss laughing with you, I miss us.

I will forever and always love you Kian, I hope you know that.

Yours truly Joanna Marie

you're one of the best people in my life. and as much as i love you, im scared. my past isnt the best but i just cant escape the feelings and i dont want it to damage our friendship. thank you for everything loser, you amaze me and im sorry

I'm was just not intimately attracted to you when I was sober and I couldn't tell you that when I broke up with you, instead I just made up some lame excuse that didnt even make sence

we were not together for that long but its about the time we spent together and that i'll never forget

hey, Kian. you were my default crush's best friend and I still couldn't get you. honestly you make me so mad because you bullied me every day ever since we've met. I really made my confidence go downhill and I still fell for you. I'm done now because I know you like Elora. It's fine or whatever. you guys are happy together I think and you deserve happiness. although I will never forgive you for all the pain you've caused me. in 6th grade, I literally wanted to die because I hated school so much. After all, you guys bullied me so much. oh well, it's done now. I'm much stronger now. I fuking hate you though for that. why would you need to bully me? have a great king life Kian.

At first, we were young and stupid, but then we became close friends and I had to sit back and watch you fall in love with my best friend. Now I miss you. I feel like we rarely speak. I feel like my oxygen has been cut off. You took me out of the darkest place I was ever in and now I am back there. I need you.

I,ve not always been the best. But i’ve never stopped loving you since the day you showed me your smile.

ill always love you matter what. i hope we spend forver together. i hope things get better for us and the universe stops trying to fight us. i love you.
n-(??✊?x1000)

Sorry that I can’t and I won’t tell you the things you want to hear. You aren’t having troubles you are just an ass with plentiful excuses.

i’ll never be able to tell you how much i do love you. i hope you give her all the love you never gave me, make her happy like you made me happy and treat her with respect. i love you

Hey dummy, it's joanna duh.. i mean obviously. I know you're searching for the one i had written you. I love youuu sososo much you GOOFBALL, YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE COWARD WHO GOT ME WORRIED ABOUT GETTING ADDED BACK SHRFNRMFRJNF.. okay toodles

I missed you for so long. But now I realise I missed who you were, not who you are now. I’m ready to let go now, thank you for everything :)

Hey kian, Ik you don’t realize it now but, I love you or I did but I’ll never be able to share my true feelings cause it will ruin our friendship but I just wanna say live you life to the fullest

I wish we hadn't dated when we did. if we had waited till we were older and better we would have been so much better. do you think so too? do you regret it?

I wish you knew that the feeling I carry deep down for you destroys me, I wrote you a letter but I'm scared of what it says.

if i saw you again, i would tell you i hate you but you would know that just isn’t true, right? because you seem to know a lot about me for someone who never cared about me or someone has never loved me? you always come back to me because you know i would take you back in a heartbeat. it’s not fair. it hurts. all the damn time.

I had the time to think about it some more, and first let me start off by saying, I don't regret a single thing about us, it might sound dumb now but that's because we blocked each other not even a few hours ago, and in does hours, everything changed. It was a good type of change, something different, something new, I didn't talk about what happened with anyone else, it was a normal type of feeling, everyone acting normal around me, it was an incredible feeling. I got closer with people I never thought I'd get close too, I suddenly feel a bit more free. I know i was your now, and maybe even your then but god, if you came back I'd take you back in a heartbeat. I'm not planning on coming back any time soon, I want too, but this time I'm going to try not too and hopefully by December or November I'll check in with you, of course i'll be writing you on here frequently and shit, I'll update it each week in this color. If it doesn't end with bee or the other nick names you had given me, there not from me. I you terribly miss you, I love you but we both know it's just not meant to be. I wish we where, but that would be selfish.
You will forever and always be in my heart Kian.
- Yours truly Joanna Marie
(bee)
song for the night; Necromancer by joy again
P.s If you see my Spotify thing i made this playlist, everyday till then i'll be putting a song in it, today i'm putting 4 songs or so, hopefully you enjoy them as much as i do. Take care, don't do anything stupid, good morning and goodnight for does days i'll be missing, Sweet dreams, i hope you sleep well darling.

From Joanna






I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but if it ends maybe it’s for a valid reason, because I honestly do feel pity for myself, in a way I feel lousy and emotionally nothing other than that, I can’t apologize for walking out of your life again, but I affect you either way, whether I’m their or not. I want to tell you that the past few days I’ve tried my hardest to contact you but you look the least interested as much as I seem as well but what is there to do? Maybe I’m being salty for once a bit more solitude to my word, cold. Something I’m once again, either way does it matter at the end?
I’d like to call you a liar, a douchebag, but does words don’t mix quite well neither do they match you as you think they do, but I bet you want me to say that since you view yourself as that, I kinda thought you would’ve stopped chasing for someone who would rather not make a scene because there imperfections will show, but here we are, you friended me at least on there but you ended up blocking me, that was you giving up which I honestly don’t mind anymore because hell I think I gave up on myself a long time ago, Love song for lady earth, I guess two close people always part ways in the most horrible ways, you’ll probably check on here if you want to hear something from me because “the thought of you still lingers me” but who knows you’re probably not, either way that’s your choice whether or not you want to look, write etcc.. or do non of this. I thought you telling me “Love you” would make me feel something and it did but it was definitely something I didn’t want to hear right now, but what could I do? I said it back and quickly hurried away to some bullshit message, either way I guess your girlfriend would benefit from this, since she doesn’t want us in contact either way, she seems lovely although I don’t really know her, you keep her the way you told me you wanted to keep me, and you tell her how much you love her even if you don’t mean it, even if you can’t say it anymore, even if someone else is in your mind, you tell her how much she means to you so she can at least wake up with the thought of living every day, or the thought of being loved
It’s getting late and later on maybe this will never mean anything to you but for the sake of god this will always mean something to me.

Before you start reading put on This beautiful place by Vincent boot
Try getting a visual, and read as this song plays.


Just noticed I had sent in the draft rather than the actual well written one; But let me start from here. I still really, really love you Kian. But this girl is crazy In love with you, that's rather beautiful, just looking at lovers flourishing in between their own eyes, you brush her mind every single time your name pops upon her screen, she maybe gives out a brief laughter or a small giggle, she smiles at your small messages one by one, reading every word out loud perhaps. I know that though, because I'd give the same reactions over and over again, not being worn out by them; Sometimes murmuring soft spoken words I never told you, saying the certain doings you loved out loud. Even saying your name felt right on the tip of my tongue, rather onto you as well if you know what I mean by that. You'd keep me up at night, having something to think about, rather now it's plain and quiet. I don't wake up to the sound of my lips resting on my glossy face, nor do I wake up to my hair reaching my ears, firmly brushing my eyes. Now I'm surrounded by feelings I barely know, that It’s like kicking a can from the ground. I miss calling you mine, or rather at night calling you a lover underneath heated breath. I can't properly write you something when my mind wonders onto something else. I'm probably not the only one in someone else's mind though, maybe for the best. I know among soft hands and bubble blossomed kisses yours are the only one I want onto my small body. I only want yours when they’d come onto me, you’d touch me in many different ways and without a doubt I fell off. I loved feeling your warmth, I still do but using past tense is rather better so we could firmly move forward. Certainly I’ve been different about it, but I can’t do much but watch you fall onto deep voids of another. That is what’s keeping me from feeling some kind of frustration towards you. I doubt I’d come back for now, watching you fall in love once more is a real beauty when you seem to have this sort of irony with her. I deny the fact I’m in love with you, I always will, no matter how the temptation irrupts out of me, It’s better that I stand in the crowd watching you meet eyes with another maybe then I’ll understand that we were both young and didn’t know better.
Yours truly Joanna Marie.

It is 9:30 Pm when I’m leaving this, and I have given up on what I call the reality I am in, I’ve been struggling to keep I semi perishable imagine of myself only for me to realize I have everything and when I have everything I can’t do nothing. Because I have everything I need and people would die for, I have nothing to accomplish anymore, and with that I leave you a hint of whatever I call being “Loved” growing up I never received loved as much as I thought I did, I thought for months maybe leaving it traced other people I would’ve called it loved, but no I doubt it. My heart goes out to the many people I’ve disappointed, being I have been pushing people away, I find it unsettling when they seem upset, god you know I hate people seeing them in that way. The things I wish I could’ve said, will always remain unsaid and until then I’ll see you somewhere in the depths of hell as promised. Mortifying and scaring people should be fun if that’s actually after life. With that I leave you with a last song and kiss. Your good old friend Evangeline Marie, and you know the rest of my last name.

Correction to the last one, I'll update this twice or more a week, I'm drinking this sweet blackberry lemonade, its from Hulberts Lemonade, it's my favorite drink to get because the color reminds me of home. If that makes sense into what I meant by that, then you know it's about you, I also like does Teavanas, specially the pineapple berry blue herbal one, it's a long name but I like it, as well as vitamin water, the acai blueberry pomegranate one, I say does 3 are my favorite drinks along with water duh. Lots of love and clarification Joanna Marie.

i resent you. i resent that it ended and i feel so alone. im over you but am in one of the worst places i ever have been in my life. have fun with my friend,you to deserve each other.

just scroll down im going to keep on spamming until you see the link, you can add music to it and stuff, ill add a few every day ahdbrbfr okayhbxrebfhrnfhrnfrnfnrjenfjrnefnedkmefdm3ewkdmewkm HDH3FNDJ3F okaydhrhf5 - Joanna marie





https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1xCN094z3WnXCXmabu2MSw?si=bv6LPHV7R7egT_WF6ZmsNQ

You’re a horrific liar. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you I fucking hate you, even when I know I don’t mean it, I had thought for a while that maybe, maybe you loved me back but you’re the same, you’ll alway be the same mother fucker I still love and care about. And that thought is always endless, because I love you even when hating you is difficult to get around with, I love you.

HEY ITS ME JOANNAHWEDXED IM GROUNDED PELASE HELP LDUXHRF IM ON MY SCHOOL LAPTOP WIRITNG YOIU THIS MY PARENTS TOOK MY IPAD TOO YVFCTFVYG UHM IDK WHEN ILL GET IT BACK MAYBE TOMORROW OR FRIDAY HOPEFULY OR ILL THROW HANDS I MISS YOU MWAAA

I want you as much as you want me but I know that you don't love ME you love the show I would put on to keep you happy.

Fuck you for what you did to me. You didn't really have to send porn and groom an 11 year old, did you?

I counted up the small noted side notes from my textbook, gathered a couple of journals spelling your name out loud and a book filled with imagery and space, and non-compel to the feeling you’ve left me with, I could care less about a box that has nothing but past words that don’t have any idea where they are now, looking back maybe weeks prior I wonder if Joanna Marie knew what was going to happened, I wonder if her writing love letters at night and through her day would have prevented this, but obviously I still held onto that magnitude of hope (hell I still am), I’d put a sticker on the top right corner and kissed it, I’d always do that, I’d leave your names in napkins, coffee cups, books from the local bookstore, I’d even write them in l ripped out papers big or small; and who knows, maybe by chance you’d see one rolling by, I imagine you picking up some book you found in the ground and by curiosity you’d open up it up to your name plastered on it. And if you were more curious, you would flip through the pages just to find my name, and in the corner of its page, a small heart

The website was down for a few days, left a song in the playlist or maybe a couple I mean, I hope you’re days are filled with more joy, love, you know the rest, I don’t want to get emotional again. The hours pass by in the snap of my fingers and I hate it, It’s been almost two weeks, and sooner or later a damn month, the days have been going rather fast for me.
Anyways I left this one song in specific, not even an hour or two ago, Drive safe by Rich Brian, it’s been on repeat for a few days with all honesty, it’s better slowed though
I miss you Kian, I love you.
Yours truly, Bee.
P.S I’ll be updating on here 2-3 times a week, since the website kinda just takes load as you can tell perhaps.
I love you, so much still

you weren’t my first love but you were my first heartbreak. one day i hope you can tell me why you did what you did.

you used me for my virginity to make yourself feel like a big man. why lead me on when i was so vulnerable and innocent. i trusted you.

idk if you ever told me the real reason we broke up but id take you back the second you asked me. i love you. sorry for not being everything you wanted. text me please. i miss you.

Im inlove with you.. Every single day, and night. Even though how much I know that you like her better I will always cherish the moments we had as friends..

Despite everything that happened afterwards, you will forever be my first love. I will tell my kids about our love one day and I hope that you will do the same. Thank you for showing me what love was – P

I’m sorry my mental illness ruins everything. Please love me enough to stay...

I have so much love to give you

I can’t say it because I’m scared, scared of what they will think but I do love you, I truly do baby

LMAO, dude why am I so hung up on you? I barely knew you. I need to get over it.

i really do hope you know that i prayed we would work out. i wish you thought the same.

i hate you but i love you hmmmm goodluck everyday

i miss you i still look at your playlists and wish i could share songs with you

miss ya

how naive i was to believe being friends wasn’t enough. now we aren’t anything.

i love u and im sorry that i can’t say that out loud

i finally found love and im glad it was u <3

i miss you

i found my heart and its you

are you writing to me on here too? i miss you bad

you’re the light in my life

just between us, do you remember it all too well?

you're everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

why can’t you see me the same way I see you?