what happened to us. where did we go wrong. why don't you love me anymore. i have never felt so close to you yet so far away and i don't know how to fix it. i don't even know who we are anymore. if we had've known how this was gonna turn out we would be so disappointed dj.

it was a dream to have loved and been loved by you. i’m letting go. let’s cherish the last moments we have together. it’s been good dj.
goodbye.

i’m doing ok. moving on. i just miss you tonight.
tried to watch our show without you, turns out i can’t. maybe that’s why i’m brought back for a sec.

i didn’t mean to give you false hope. sometimes i miss you and i feel like i can talk to you through here even though you won’t ever hear me. i’ll stop. i’ll let go.
i love you, we were just too toxic. too unhealthy. didn’t wanna spoil our memories. we were better than to turn sour.
hope you’re doing okay. i think about you everyday. i saw you today and my heart dropped, you seem okay. you looked good.
take care. i’m here always. hope we can be friends soon, i mean you’ll see me for half the day starting in february. who knows what’ll happen then.

i’ll really fucking miss you.
goodbye and good luck. i’ll always have a soft spot for you.
you were a dream come true.

i wanna be the person you can always depend on. i wanna lay down with you for hours and talk about everything you’ve ever fucking experienced in your life. i wanna know everything about you. i wanna stay but it’s so hard when nothing ever goes the right way for us.

i don’t want to text again so i’ll leave it here like i should’ve done everytime instead of saying heart felt things that you just seem to ignore. i thought breaking up with you would hurt less than being broken up with but i was wrong. it hurts more. nobody understands, when i told people today they all cheered me on and congratulated me as if it was some sort of fucking good decision. i don’t think it was.
i feel broken, extremely tired and i miss the feeling of having you more than anything - but i’ve been missing it for months because it was never stable. there’s always something wrong, i wake up to prepare myself to know if you’ll be mad today or not. we have more bad than good but the good is so fucking good which is why it makes the bad so hard. i need to wait. i need to make sure that you’ve changed. you need to let things go, you need to trust me and you also need to fucking treat me better. i know i could do better too believe me but i would never say the things to you that you say to me. part of me wants to call and cry and have you next to me by tomorrow night yet the other part wants to let you go and heal, because you hurt deeper than anyone else has before. i’m afraid that this might not get any better but i’m even more afraid because i know i’ll always have a soft spot for you yet i just don’t know if it’s good for me. i didn’t want to do this, i had to do this because for once with me and you i needed to be selfish and know what’s best for me, and right now it is not this up and down constant fighting. i can’t do it, i refuse to let our memories go rotten. i wanted christmas, i wanted walking around bowering park, i wanted to have you going into the new year, i wanted drunk phone calls and constant “i love you’s” i wanted showers together, i wanted naps, i wanted to decorate a stupid fucking gingerbread house with you, i wanted to spend break with you, wrapped inside the sheets watching christmas movies or sliding in the park behind my house but most importantly i just wanted us to be good. i wanted trust i wanted respect and i wanted to have a good healthy relationship with you. i wanted you. i want you but i can’t have you if you’re only happy with me 10% of the fucking time.
i miss you, dj. i miss you painfully. i want you to call and say you‘ll change and let things go. i want you to work on this with me but actually make progress. i want the good back. we used to be good. we used to be so good. we used to be so much more than what we are now. i don’t know what to say so i’ll say nothing, i’ll stop texting, i’ll stop calling, i’ll stop speaking. it’s up to you if you want to let me go or get better with me.

Hi. We haven't talked in 2 years. Has your back been okay? I have so many things I want to say. But none come to mind right now. I loved you so much, I think I still love you. Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of you, but not You. I don't miss you as much as I used to. I'm sorry you never got closure for what happened between us. But honestly, I think it was for the best. If I could've stayed, I would still be there today. Maybe if we met when we were better, maybe then we could've been happy. Instead, both of us carried a burden on our shoulders and in the end weighed each other down. Your love was intoxicating. I don't think you realized how much I loved you at that time. I wonder if you ever think of me. Do I cross your mind? Do you still have the presents I gave you? Sadly I'll never know the answer to these questions. But maybe that's for the better. In the back of my mind, I secretly wish you would see this. But I know, this will never reach you. I love you forever.

i’m sorry i wasn’t patient with you. i hate every bit of this. i’m going to change too. i hope you still love me, i hope you’ll still call. i want this back - i want you back. i’m realizing i’m not ready to give up. i want to fix this. i know i need to change some things too and i will, i promise. we can grow together. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. i wish you were next to me. i promise i’ll stop sending in stuff now, i only write it because i want you to see it. and if you do, i miss you. i love you. call me when you’re ready, i’ll be waiting and i’ll be changing for the better.
i’m here always.

maybe in another universe