Unsent Messages

i don’t want to text again so i’ll leave it here like i should’ve done everytime instead of saying heart felt things that you just seem to ignore. i thought breaking up with you would hurt less than being broken up with but i was wrong. it hurts more. nobody understands, when i told people today they all cheered me on and congratulated me as if it was some sort of fucking good decision. i don’t think it was.
i feel broken, extremely tired and i miss the feeling of having you more than anything - but i’ve been missing it for months because it was never stable. there’s always something wrong, i wake up to prepare myself to know if you’ll be mad today or not. we have more bad than good but the good is so fucking good which is why it makes the bad so hard. i need to wait. i need to make sure that you’ve changed. you need to let things go, you need to trust me and you also need to fucking treat me better. i know i could do better too believe me but i would never say the things to you that you say to me. part of me wants to call and cry and have you next to me by tomorrow night yet the other part wants to let you go and heal, because you hurt deeper than anyone else has before. i’m afraid that this might not get any better but i’m even more afraid because i know i’ll always have a soft spot for you yet i just don’t know if it’s good for me. i didn’t want to do this, i had to do this because for once with me and you i needed to be selfish and know what’s best for me, and right now it is not this up and down constant fighting. i can’t do it, i refuse to let our memories go rotten. i wanted christmas, i wanted walking around bowering park, i wanted to have you going into the new year, i wanted drunk phone calls and constant “i love you’s” i wanted showers together, i wanted naps, i wanted to decorate a stupid fucking gingerbread house with you, i wanted to spend break with you, wrapped inside the sheets watching christmas movies or sliding in the park behind my house but most importantly i just wanted us to be good. i wanted trust i wanted respect and i wanted to have a good healthy relationship with you. i wanted you. i want you but i can’t have you if you’re only happy with me 10% of the fucking time.
i miss you, dj. i miss you painfully. i want you to call and say you‘ll change and let things go. i want you to work on this with me but actually make progress. i want the good back. we used to be good. we used to be so good. we used to be so much more than what we are now. i don’t know what to say so i’ll say nothing, i’ll stop texting, i’ll stop calling, i’ll stop speaking. it’s up to you if you want to let me go or get better with me.