Unsent messages to AJ

i know you’ll never see this but i think i was in love with you. a part of me is still waiting for you to come back.

I was always so insecure about my appearance, until i saw the way you loved mines. i’ll wait for you.

sometimes i think about you and my heart gets heavy, sometimes i feel nothing. either way, this wasn't how our story was supposed to end.

I loved you so much when we were together. Then one day I realized I fell out of love, which was freeing for me. I still have love you for and I hope you find the love you deserve.

i hate that i let you treat me like that but yet i never stopped going back. hope youre happy with my best friend

you deserve so much more than people give you, one day peace and love will find you and you will be free from trauma, i love you

I wish i could tell you how i feel. ive liked you for so long but you will never feel the same way back and thats ok.

Remember how you always told me that hurting me and letting me down were your biggest fears? You did.

I wish I got to tell you that you meant a lot to me. The times we spent in those classes were so fun and looking back I feel like I won't experience such euphoric happiness like that again. I have many regrets but that doesn't matter now. Thank you for everything and even if I clown you and your gf I hope you two are happy.

i guess this is goodbye, cub. i hope you are happy with her, please don’t treat her the way you treated me.

I still think that we are meant to be, i wish you would come back, its been two years and i still believe. I love you

I miss you and you have no idea how much, I miss talking to you, making you laugh, your audios, your photos, I don't know if I'm going to find someone who will make me smile just with a message like you. I guess I have to continue but I liked that you gave me one last goodbye, I love you

It's just you and that's enough for me, I love you, but I don't even know if I'm enough for you. Maybe in another part of the world we coincide, I will miss you. I hope she knows she has a diamond and takes care of it, even though we both know this is temporary.

thank you. you were my first heartbreak ever. I thought you were the one. I can never get my mind off of you no matter what you do. No matter how much pain you bring me I still see good in you. the memories, the laughs, the smiles, the trips together. we didn’t even date .. I stayed at home all day and cried when you told me you liked someone. I thought I found my person, but you found someone else.

I loved you, but in the end you left with someone else. I'll keep remembering you until my feelings for you are over.

Every night i hug the pillow i made u. i pretend its u and talk to it for hours on end
i know its a pillow and i will never get a replay but i still lay there and wait for you to say something
i miss you.

Y r u so damn dry, and the thing is i know u think we are having a good convo but rlly its the same thing over and over. Tell me abt the little things how hockey practice was if your team won anything even the smallest detail about wha u ate idk idrc, i just wanna hear you open up and not this dry as shit.

after everything that happens. i still think abt you. i think it was love. there’s no other explain. you probably think i’m crazy. but idc what i felt was real. together we had a great connection but it crashed and burned. all the love stories are the heartbreaks. i hope you know how much i care about you even after you broke me. i’ve written to you a million times and never told you. i’m sure you don’t ever think abt me and think i’m crazy and regret everything but i know you had to have felt something at some point. i’m scared i’ll never feel a connection like that again. you ruined my trust and i’m scared to love anyone again. but no matter what i wish you the best and i hope you realize the person you’ve become because i miss the old you. i love you and i hate you. a million works can’t describe how i felt after us. imagine.

i miss how much we laughed together, i know you were never "mine" but i always felt a special connection between us and now its so weird looking back and seeing how far we drifted.

Lol do you think I loved you for real? Think again. Nothing was genuine. You were just a time killer for me.

thank you. for everything you've done for me. thank you. you saved me. please please don't go. just hold onto me forever okay?

You were my soulmate, you were my best friend, you were supposed to be my forever... rest easy baby I hope to see you soon

My parents get angry when i tell them i still think you’re the one im going to marry. don’t make me give up on us.

i don’t know what i would have done we hadn’t been in badoof freshman year together. thanks for making my world a whole lot spicier. also, you know how much she means to me. you break her, i break you

I can’t believe you would betray us like you did. We loved you. We thought you loved us. But no. You betrayed our whole friend group. Did the dinners after our plays mean nothing? The movie nights? The birthdays? Did doing what you did matter more than that? And now you don’t have the decency to let us move on. Yes, I was kind to you. You thought I was on your side. But you pushed me too far. I have love in my heart for near anyone, but you don’t deserve that love. The last kindness I will grant you is simply this: I recommend you make new friends . I won’t stop you if you do. Fuck you Andrew

I can’t believe you would betray us like you did. We loved you. We thought you loved us. But no. You betrayed our whole friend group. Did the dinners after our plays mean nothing? The movie nights? The birthdays? Did doing what you did matter more than that? And now you don’t have the decency to let us move on. Yes, I was kind to you. You thought I was on your side. But you pushed me too far. I have love in my heart for near anyone, but you don’t deserve that love. The last kindness I will grant you is simply this: I recommend you make new friends . I won’t stop you if you do. Fuck you Andrew

I will always love you and I hate myself for it. I will always wait for you even if you dont want me anyomore

I now realize how much I didn't mean to you. you believed her over me. that said a lot.
i forgive you though because i can't hate you.

You were the first person I actually had true feelings for. I’ll always love you. But you got tired of your life here and decided to up and move to a different state like i was nothing. You broke me into pieces.

i wish i could explain all the thoughts that ran through my head. i loved you for you. i loved the fact that it wasn’t my body that intrigued you but my words and myself as a person. you hadn’t loved yourself and didn’t know how to love someone. i was property to you and when i needed to move on you continued to pull closer. i muted your story so i wouldn’t have to see it yet i still check. i know if you walked in the room and asked for another chance i would have given it out the way they give out balloons in a circus. i still look for you in other guys. everytime i feel the emotion changes and i could move on you text me.

It's me, again, I would like u not to live in another country, I would like to be able to sleep with u, hug u, see ur smile not only through a phone. I save every ss of the ft we made, I like u to fall asleep on calls, bc I feel like u are here, close to me. I just want to say that u mean a lot to me, and u tell me that u love me, but idk if it's true, idk if u are playing with me, and yes, maybe sometimes I invalidated ur feelings bc I don't want to feel the same and give u the power to break my heart. I rlly want to believe u, I want to trust u, I don't want to give up but it's complicated, maybe u are the right person at the wrong time, or wrong place, idk baby, te quiero.

Just wanted to say I truly am sorry. It wasn't fair to dump you so suddenly. I wasn't ready for a relationship, I knew that, but I still said yes. I felt so sufficated and everything felt so forced. I know I hurt you I'm so sorry and i hope you'll be able to forgive me, because you truly are such a nice guy...just not the one for me

you fucking broke me. was i ever the only girl? you've made me feel replaceable too many times, like i'm just another girl in the lineup. i gave you everything over and over again, and now i don't know how to let you go, or if i even want to.

I loved you. I loved you more than anything. We were supposed to get married, always talked about kids and how much we loved each other. What happened?

I had a dream with you last night. We were together (I think). Waking up felt heavy because that's not our reality, nor will it be it seems.

i miss you. i miss the way you held me and looked out for me and the way you made me fall in love with who i am again. being friends with you is so hard but if that’s the only way i can have you in my life then....

i know what i did hurt you. i know i can’t undo it, but if i could, i would. it would be you. please forgive me. i miss you.

i hope one day i get the guts to call you and tell you how i feel. until then, i will keep telling you i love you here.

i don't know if i ever told you how beautiful i find you. that's a face i could gaze at even when we're old.

I dont want to tell you i miss you and seem desperate and dont want to tell you i love you and seem hung up but the truth is that i love you and i miss you and i just want to know how you feel. the truth is i am always left wondering on how i stand with you. but its okay. we're both afraid. but someone has to cave first. we both know it will probably be me.

we didnt hug the last time we saw each other and the thought that it could have been our last time seeing each other brings me to my knees. not going in for a hug that day is my biggest regret. because you always think you have time, one more time, always. the truth is, you never know when it's the last time until it happens. and we never hugged and i know it seems trivial but it seems unfair for the whole thing to end with us standing a few feet apart saying our awkward goodbyes. we didn't know it would be the last time. but it was. you never know until it happens and that thought is what eats me alive at night.

everytime i used to think of you i would cry. now every time i think of you i smile. you could light up a room. isnt it crazy how in november it will be a year since i saw your face, heard your voice? i saw a hydrangea in the store the other day and all i could think about was you. it hit me like a ton of bricks again. its okay, it happens. i can still hear your laugh, by the way. i could listen to that for the rest of my life.

its september but on the nights i miss you the most, everything feels cold like January. when i breathe i breathe in the cold winter air. you left. you took the warmth with you. i dated other people but on my second date with her i asked myself if she felt like home and everything in me said no. i think i went home and cried. im not with her anymore. because when i met you it was autumn but you made everything feel so warm, like home. maybe i am too nostalgic. maybe im too poetic. maybe you'd think im crazy if you ever saw this. but as long as you're gone it is always january. it is always cold. you're always leaving. i love you and i miss you. I miss June, with you.

i fell in love with you at the football game. i didnt realize it until much later. but i will never forget your green eyes. i looked into them and my soul said oh, there you are. ive been looking for you. it was our first conversation and you felt like home. i would give anything to be 17 again with nothing to lose. i was too scared to have you but now we're 20 and we're talking again. this time im too scared to lose you.

dark green is the color of the sweatshirt you gave me at the concert when i was cold. if i think about it hard enough, i can still feel the fabric. that was almost a year ago, can you believe it? i think about it when i miss you, which is all the time. i think of how you used to look at me. i think of when we used to hold hands and you rubbed your thumb across my hand, something about that soft simple gesture made me feel safe. you know how you feel emotions only in certain parts of your body? like fear, in your chest? or in your gut? When i feel love, i feel it everywhere. sometimes i love you so much my chest aches. i miss you. i wish you were here. or i was there. you keep me sane. i love you. i love you. i love you, always. i love you and my chest aches but i guess i just don't want you to go again.

sometimes when im driving in my car i imagine you're next to me and all i want is to hold your hand but you're not there. Im glad we're talking again. I'm just too afraid to say that i love you, still.

you were the first person i ever truly loved sometimes i wonder what it would've been like if i never let you go i'd take you back in a heartbeat i hope you find someone that treats you well

I stop myself every time i try to call you. It's been almost a year since ive heard your voice. I just need you here. I miss you in my bones.

It's all too much and it's all pointless. I wish everything could fucking stop everything for like a good month or two so I can finally breath. I want to get rid of this immense amount of pressure I feel to do anything and everything because it's fucking paralyzing and I feel like shit all the time

We never went on our pizza date and I still haven’t lit the candles you gave me. I’m sorry it didn’t work...