I just wish you'd be there for me like i would for you, heck at least half as much as i would, I wish I wasn't pushed to the curb as much. I wish i felt like i mattered. Is talking about my feeling and needs even worth it? ive been trying to tell you for a while now, ive been struggling to bring myself to talk about it, and every time i do work up the courage... I get turned away, you told me to just 'hold it for later' without any concern on how im feeling or how serious it might be, you dont realize how inconsiderate it was for you to just tell me to just hold it for later; you could have at least been more polite to me about it. I feel like our friendship is starting to become a one -way bridge now, forget relationship, it used to never be like this during our friendship

Everyday, Every single day I talked to God about you; you were the only person I mentioned and prayed for by name in my prayers. If only you'd see how much I Love You, how much im hurting, maybe you'd see im not overreacting as you say i am, if only you'd see how even though you've hurt me so many times i still. care and love you the same, its destroying me seeing that you've begun to move on especially this fast. The feeling of being replaced is killing me. It was supposed to be you and me against the world, we were supposed to be in this together forever. I hate that I love you this much because if i didn't it wouldn't hurt as much, i feel so lost, you took a part of me with you as you left; I don't know what to do anymore.

GET THE FUCK OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND. I CANT FUCKING SLEEP OR EAT OR FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE BC I KEEP SEEING U WITH HER IN THE FRONT SEAT IN MY HEAD. I keep seeing her in all the places I used to be in while I was with you. I cant distract myself for more than two fucking minutes without the intrusive thoughts of how you started moving on to the next girl LITERALLY IN JUST 1.5 FUCKING WKS LATER LIKE I WAS FUCKING NOTHING TO YOU. Why? why Alex? what did I do to deserve this? I was fucking head over heels for you and put EVERYTHING on the line to be with you, went through so much for you and did whatever it takes to make you happy. Now I cant even have peace of mind and get some rest at night without thinking about how u just moved on and didn't say a word till I found out myself, how you left me under the impression that you still felt the same about me even if your dad had gotten in the way while you were thinking about someone else. You've no idea how badly you hurt my soul, you claim im overreacting (and yes ik yall arent dating or official but its the fact that your already willing 'to see where it goes' with someone new so soon), ig you have no idea how much I really Love/Loved you to see why im hurting so badly.

I honestly just want to blow my brains out; this is too much for me, it's all just piling onto my shoulders.

Well... today (technically yesterday bc its past midnight now) was a rough day. As we were talking through some things I think you fell asleep, no worries tho i hope ur at least sleepin good. I never got a chance to ask ya how you slept, bc we didnt really start our day on a positive note, I don't really understand why but you werent really fond of me asking you what you were gonna do for your bday and made it kinda noticable how you did'nt really want to talk to me :/ ... So i'll ask now, how'd you sleep today? was it good? if not, how come?

Hey pumpkin, ik it says I posted this the same day as the last post, i typically write these after midnight but I was up till 6 last night and have to wake up early tmr for pt so im gts early tn. Anyways, How was new years? Did you make a resolution or do anything out of the ordinary?

Yesterday should have been 1yr, if only you knew how much I had planned for that day or how much I was looking forward to it, sigh.. Idek how I feel rn

Hows all your Marine Corps stuff coming along? Did ya pick a job yet? hows pt going? i wonder how my Air Force journey is coming along, im probably dying lol

I know its coming... Idk when, but something tells me it wont be too long; the little bit I had left is all starting to fade away, and theres nothing I can do about it other than sit here and just watch it happen....

Happy thanksgiving Alex!!! im thankful for all the things you've done for me and all the memories were able to make.

Hey Alex! I know i haven't wrote on here the past few days it was bc i came home extremely late the first two days after being at family and friends houses, then the day after you kinda hurt my feelings, so I just went to bed; even between all of that i didn't forget about writing here, i just figured id wait till things are back to normal again. Anyways, how are you? I hope everything is going good; As i write this i officially have 30 more days left here, things are starting to pick up, ive recruiter meetings and conferences left and right, things are definitely starting to get real..

Hey pumkin, if your reading this, Hi! Idk if ill tell you about this yet. I might before I ship. if I do, how's break going?

idk if you noticed a change, but I was losing myself earlier this week, now im just... idk not me, something changed within, ig you didn't notice how i was different while we were on the phone or maybe you did idk.

Hey Nuggyyy, Miss me yet? hehe. Its currently 2:29 in the morning, you went to bed a couple hrs ago, idek why im up. I dont exactly know how I want to go about doing these, ig for now ill just write some thoughts or something of the sort. Are you reading these? or did i decide not to tell ya? or did i tell ya and u forgot (which would mean its just me reading these)? Anyways, idk if you think about me much now that im at boot camp (by the time u read this ill be in bootcamp) i Just wanted to let yk ill be thinking about ya, heck, I am now at almost 3 in the morning but yeah..

Well... theres that... I didnt expect her, till i saw her in you car... is this it? I dont want to leave, I really really dont, but im pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate having me around like i have been and i feel youd probably prefer spending time with her, and ik ik you guys are just barely getting anywhere but based off what you said you seem ready to move on... if this is it, ill miss be your bestfriend :/ I love you, Always

Hey nuggy, i honestly got a lot on my mind. Maybe im blowing things out of proportion bc im an over thinker, or maybe im not ig ill never really know. I was thinking about if ill tell ya about this site or not but then i started wondering if our friendship will be the same a month and a half from now, i don't say that bc I don't think we should be friends or whatever, i say it bc of how the relationship between us has changed back and forth quite a bit within this past yr. I sometimes feel like maybe you don't really want me in your life anymore .. ive felt that way with many other people but never with you, until you told me about how snapping me is starting to affect you. As you know im an insecure person when it comes to myself and needs some reassurance from time to time, so it was kinda impactful when you had told me that.. As you can see, im on the heavier side of the spectrum as far as overthinking and feeling insecure tn. You also have been saying ily a lot less, today included, idk if that was unintentional or not, (which is fine if its not unintentional, i rather things be honest and true than just saying it bc i say it or to keep me happy). You might be wondering why i don't just bring all this up to you instead of keeping it to myself, its not bc im afraid to talk to you about these kinds of things, its that i just feel like it makes me look like im nagging or being needy or something... I really hope our bond and relationship doesn't diminish within these next 43 days, so you can read all these little notes that i leave ya to read while im gone, and more importantly i hope we're just as good a friends when i come back from bmt... im gonna stop here, its getting late, its 2:49am and ive got work today. Sorry to bring down the mood, i had planned for these to be on the more positive end of the spectrum, but i just had a lot on my mind.

Hey Alex! Wassup? hows things going? busy as usual? doing megabyte gigabyte stuff? How are ya spending your last ever winter break? Hows the weather down there? ik im probably freezing my cheeks off at bmt rn. Did anything new happen recently? Hows life? Are ya taking care of your self? you better be

Hey Loafy, hows life going, like actually; have you been stayin out of trouble? lol, this is kinda random but im starting to like eggs now lol. Oh and ive been craving cupcakes recently. That kinda reminds me, Do you remember the last day of school before quarantine? RP was celebrating its 10th anniversery and they gave out cupcakes and you made me get one bc me liked cupcakes and we sat in the hall eating it even tho it was tooo sweet lol. I remember u made a mess on the floor bc u were a baby, ahh good times, I really miss those days

Hey pumpkin! (if your reading this after the break) Hows school going? You're in your last ever semester as a high - schooler, crazy how fast time flies huh? How jrotc? Are yall still having a comp at rp? I remember fs mentioning it being in january or febuary. Anyways, I hope youre day is going well, I lob you nuggy ❤️

You know, looking back at it, our relationship honestly wasn't that bad, I was looking at some old conversations and pictures and realized how we dwelled on the little negative things instead of all the good things and how things could of been if it wasn't for one of us giving up. The mistakes and faults were simple, sigh.. we just didn't realize it in time.