Unsent messages to ESME

you changed the directory of my soul. everyday i wish i wasnt scared to love you.

you make me feel like no one else has and i’m afraid of that.

wanna make out lmfaoo

I love you always even though I act like I don’t. You are my twin flame always and forever

i know cutting you off would be better for me but i care about you so much

I want to text you so badly but I don’t have your number

wish i knew sooner things would be so different rn :/

i wish we worked out i still love you but now im w her

wish we had a proper goodbye. wish you understood me.

Im not the person u think i am, im not good. I love u

i miss you. we barely talk anymore and it kills me.

oh I miss you today and I wish you could call me angel again and hold my hand and stop my tears I wish we fixed it

I hope u know it’s so hard to let you go. I really wanted us forever. I hate that you broke my heart. I hate that I let you have it, even if for a short while. I was so vulnerable with you and you took advantage of that. I hope you never fuck with someone’s heart again because it’s a really sad thing to do. I want you to know I’m happy now, I’m working hard to do better things. But it’s still hard to wish you the best, to see the good in you. It’s like everything I thought we had / I thought you were is gone. I hate the version of you that lives in my head. She is unkind and distant and emotionless. She doesn’t love me and never did. I wish you could undo what you have done, to me and to us. Some days I wish we could start again and relive all those moments of intimacy and happiness. I wish I could feel the (perceived) depth of our love again. But then I’m reminded that what I thought we had was not even real anyway - you were always not really there. Your mind was always onto other things. Even after when I desperately tried to fix us, you were never really ‘here’. So, I suppose i don’t miss ‘us’. I miss what I thought was ‘us’ - but was actually just a one-sided commitment I had made to someone who could never love me back in the way I needed and more importantly, in the way I loved them. This can never happen again, which is sad but good, in some ways. I must learn, again, to grow independently. To not rely on others. To be my own best friend, supporter and lover. I must be without you and I must build a few more walls this time around. I try not to apologise, because I don’t believe I could have done much else to save us - I poured my heart into fixing something which could never be fixed. Which you didn’t want to fix. But I’am sorry for you. I’m sorry you don’t feel whole, or mended, or emotionally able. I’m sorry you are not ready. I’m sorry you cannot grow. I’m sorry the past haunts you still. I’m sorry that my love was too much. I’m sorry, actually, that I ever gave you my love, that I was foolish enough to think you could carry it. I will miss you occasionally, I will sometimes spare what we had a thought. But I won’t be back. You have caused me insurmountable pain, mending what you have done is taking longer than I hoped. I’m strong and I know this is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m sorry Es, I wish it could have been. I hope you find some clarity one day. I hope you treat the next one so much better and you love them as I have loved you. I hope you find vulnerability and softness and you learn to break down all the things that kept us from working. I hope you are happy - like actually happy not just pretending. I hope you try to be a better person. I suppose I hope you think of me sometimes. I’ve deleted ur number tho, because I will want to call and that cannot happen. Funny how things work out, huh. I’m sure we will look back and laugh eventually, this was all rather silly I suppose. Just a rushed, messy, inevitably doomed connection. But that’s kinda cool as well. You can still learn from the little things. And most importantly what I felt wasn’t small. I can feel that my heart has grown so much already from this experience. My outlook has changed. I’m less trusting for the moment, but I’m still growing. And I will always move towards better things, I have learnt (in the most bittersweet way) mostly this journey is one which must be done alone. That’s ok, I like being by myself, I’m never seeking - what is meant for me will come, what needs to leave will be taken away. I hope you find peace Es, please remember it does not look like another person.

I’m so happy and some days I wish I could share that happiness with you. Then I remember that if you’d chosen to respect me you would have it. You chose to hurt me. And I won’t allow myself to carry that any longer.

welcome to the start of the undoing. I’m sorry that’s where we are at. I hope this makes it better for me.

Everytime we speak I realise that u love me a lot less now. This is hard but also really freeing. I know I can’t pursue u about it because it is somewhat irrelevant in our current circumstances of being apart. But know that I can feel you slipping away from me. I still love you, but I’m accepting that the love I need is not one-sided or unreciprocated or
unfelt if not in person. Maybe you are not my person, maybe I need to be free too. I still love you more than words can say. It’s going to take a while to let go.

I think i’m falling for you. Your brown eyes make my day and god that fucking smile. I promise I won’t hurt you like he did

baby nothing will ever be the same for us ever again. Take as much head space as you need, I promise you it’s already too far gone. I’ll miss those times forever though. What we had felt like a dream. I wanted those feelings for the rest of my life, I feel numb and cold and apathetic now. Enjoy the space, see you in a week.

i miss talking to you. we used to talk every day. for someone i never met you made such an impact on me. -- .. ... ... / -.-- --- ..-

I just drive about play my music and think about you that’s it. It’s all I can do. I can’t even call you. I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I could be less intense. I don’t want distance I want to be as close to you as I possibly can. I hope you are taking care of yourself. think I’ll miss you forever

I thought it was going to be easier at home but I can’t stop thinking about holding you. I wish I hadn’t let go.

Sometimes i think i can smell your perfume.
I’m trying to be ok with that and your absence. Like you asked me to. :)

saw you tonight. I feel so confused and lost. You don’t want to kiss. You want me around but won’t let me in. I don’t even know what u feel now. I wanted you so much and now I just feel hurt again. Wish this would make sense, I wish it was easy.

Hey, I do not want to hurt you and I’m not happier that way.
I’m happy we have acknowledged this requires time and space and patience. That doesn’t mean I’m happy we are apart. Things are never better without u. Just bearable. See you later.

my god i miss the way we used to be. nobody could ever replace you. i didn't mean to ruin everything. i just want us to talk again. did you forget everything i'll always remember? please don't forget me and all the things we did.

I still love you, but the pain caused was to much for me to handle and I don't want to hurt you anymore. Boin nuin

I missed you so much this weekend. It rained today and I just wanted to be in my room with you listening to it and holding hands and talking about everything. I know you are hurting. The measure of love is loss. It will all be ok so soon. Stay strong. I miss you and I love you very much.

My heart hurts so much. I’m so angry and hurt and broken. I believed in us so much. I still do. I feel so weak. I never want to be in love again.

I saw you for the first time in years, and you said I was gorgeous. I want to play guitar for you and watch your fact light up.

God you are fucked up, I mean I love you for it but I don't know if anyone else will. I know you are scared of hurting yourself and others but I promise you that you are more loved than your think.
from Esme

I wish we would've worked out. I loved you more than anything in the world. I don't know about that anymore.

i’m so sorry he broke your heart but i’m so grateful because it means now i can be the one who comforts you when you have bad dreams and makes you smile when you’re sad

we havent talked but i miss you so much, i dont know why i let you go, i guess i was just afraid to let you in, you were one of the realist bestfriends i had in my life, after i let you go i fell into a deep dark whole. I regret letting you go, but now i have to live life knowing i lost you due to my trust issues. i hope you get everything you wanted in life luv u.