Unsent Messages

I hope u know it’s so hard to let you go. I really wanted us forever. I hate that you broke my heart. I hate that I let you have it, even if for a short while. I was so vulnerable with you and you took advantage of that. I hope you never fuck with someone’s heart again because it’s a really sad thing to do. I want you to know I’m happy now, I’m working hard to do better things. But it’s still hard to wish you the best, to see the good in you. It’s like everything I thought we had / I thought you were is gone. I hate the version of you that lives in my head. She is unkind and distant and emotionless. She doesn’t love me and never did. I wish you could undo what you have done, to me and to us. Some days I wish we could start again and relive all those moments of intimacy and happiness. I wish I could feel the (perceived) depth of our love again. But then I’m reminded that what I thought we had was not even real anyway - you were always not really there. Your mind was always onto other things. Even after when I desperately tried to fix us, you were never really ‘here’. So, I suppose i don’t miss ‘us’. I miss what I thought was ‘us’ - but was actually just a one-sided commitment I had made to someone who could never love me back in the way I needed and more importantly, in the way I loved them. This can never happen again, which is sad but good, in some ways. I must learn, again, to grow independently. To not rely on others. To be my own best friend, supporter and lover. I must be without you and I must build a few more walls this time around. I try not to apologise, because I don’t believe I could have done much else to save us - I poured my heart into fixing something which could never be fixed. Which you didn’t want to fix. But I’am sorry for you. I’m sorry you don’t feel whole, or mended, or emotionally able. I’m sorry you are not ready. I’m sorry you cannot grow. I’m sorry the past haunts you still. I’m sorry that my love was too much. I’m sorry, actually, that I ever gave you my love, that I was foolish enough to think you could carry it. I will miss you occasionally, I will sometimes spare what we had a thought. But I won’t be back. You have caused me insurmountable pain, mending what you have done is taking longer than I hoped. I’m strong and I know this is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m sorry Es, I wish it could have been. I hope you find some clarity one day. I hope you treat the next one so much better and you love them as I have loved you. I hope you find vulnerability and softness and you learn to break down all the things that kept us from working. I hope you are happy - like actually happy not just pretending. I hope you try to be a better person. I suppose I hope you think of me sometimes. I’ve deleted ur number tho, because I will want to call and that cannot happen. Funny how things work out, huh. I’m sure we will look back and laugh eventually, this was all rather silly I suppose. Just a rushed, messy, inevitably doomed connection. But that’s kinda cool as well. You can still learn from the little things. And most importantly what I felt wasn’t small. I can feel that my heart has grown so much already from this experience. My outlook has changed. I’m less trusting for the moment, but I’m still growing. And I will always move towards better things, I have learnt (in the most bittersweet way) mostly this journey is one which must be done alone. That’s ok, I like being by myself, I’m never seeking - what is meant for me will come, what needs to leave will be taken away. I hope you find peace Es, please remember it does not look like another person.