Unsent messages to CJ

funny how you said I was the stubborn one but every time I’ve tried to talk to you, you acted like a bitch.

i liked you a lot, i still do but you did the things to me that i should hate you for and idk how to hate u. you really fucked me over darling and i dont think i'll ever be the same and u didnt even make me happy when we talking so im not sure whether i feel shitter now or then.

I wish you didn't give up on me so quickly. I wanted a chance to show you i wasn't the same as everyone else. I miss you and not a day goes by that i don't think of you

do you think we would’ve worked out if we didn’t put each other on a pedestal and just let our guard down?

it makes me sad to admit but it’s crazy how there was a point in my life where you were my everything and now it just feels like a dream.

i wish we would’ve met a couple years later, we were a right person wrong time situation and more then anything that’s what hurts the most bc i gave you my all and just as fast as you came into my life you left it.

hey loser. ik u dont want to talk to me anymore and idk what changed but I miss you. I hope you’re doing better. pls reach out if u ever need a friend to talk to, thinking of u always

you never knew how I felt about you, but you made me feel more alive than you ever knew. I wish I was older when we met and I wish our paths were meant to cross for longer, so I could admit how hard I fell for you.

kid ya ruined me. the first guy i said i love you to, the first heartbreak but it gave me so much strength i owe you,

I think of you and my heart aches. I’m sorry if I ever made you think you weren’t enough. I hope you find someone that deserves you.

you werent my first love but my first healthy relationship. kinda. i constantly thin about us and how i wish we could work out. we're very different and it we both know we couldn't but i always think about holding you and protecting you.

i wish things were different. i wish you still looked at me like i was the only girl in the world. but things change.

I wish i had just told you i loved you. I was waiting til i could see you, touch you, hold you. I know it wouldn't have changed anything, that you'd still have left. That you never felt what i felt. But at least you'd have known, now i'll never get the chance. You'll never know how intimately you touched me without laying a finger on me.

I hate that i've thought about you everyday since i met you. i hate myself for giving you my heart when you had no intention of giving me yours in return. I hate that i loved you, i hate that i still do.

i want you to know how much i care. i still do, and i think i always will. you don’t know how much i care. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to tell you. i just need to know that i said it. i could never lose you as a friend, but damn it hurts to think that you might be the one that got away.

I'm not sure what happened. But it didn't have to go that far and I didn't kiss anyone for a while after that.

honestly. i gave you so many chances. but you really just thought of me as a friend this whole entire time. this whole 8 months. the only reason why you still talk to me in the first place is to try and get me to send nudes to you. i tell you continuously im not that kind of girl. but you dont listen. leave me alone. like oh my god. stop playing with my heart over and over again. stop being so sweet and genuine one day, and act different the next. it's not right. this is what breaks people. it's absolutely soul destroying to find out that the guy you have feelings for is only talking to you for your body. it's so messed up. and i hate you for it. but you wont get out of my head. and i hate that too.

I fucking hate you. I hate you so much. You took everything I valued about myself and mental health. You didn’t let me fucking breathe. You always had to be there. When I asked for space you made me feel bad. You got mad when I didn’t need you. You would constantly blame me because you felt lost without me. I hope you hurt the same amount you hurt me.

I will always want you more than you will want me. I know i’m not a priority, but we aren’t going anywhere

I think what we had was always a matter of right timing — and I was always a little bit late every time.

It's been a while, but I still miss you so much. I wonder if you remember what you told me that night at the party, I always think about that. did you mean it? were you just trying to get laid? I wish I could know, but I probably never will and that's okay. you seem so happy and I hope you have nothing but happiness and joy in your life.

You were the first person I ever fell in love with, because you were the first person who stayed. I miss just teasing and talking to you. I miss pulling your hoodie strings. But I know I need to keep my distance for my own sake, so I hope one day soon you’ll prove to me that you care about me and reach out.

you made me feel so good about myself but then youd make me feel guilty, you made me feel as tho i needed to make a change for you even tho i knew i was good enough. you treated me like a queen but then you stabbed me in the back. Im glad i meet you but you still gave me so much pain. Im so happy i let go of you before it got to out of hand. i want you to know i still care for you but it will never be the same ily forever

cj. you have been one of the most supportive people in my life. it means the world to me. i love you so much buddy. im sorry for ruining our friendship when i told u i liked u. i wish i never did, bc those feelings went away. our friendship wud be so much better if i didnt fuck up. but u still my bro.

after two years I could never stay away for too long because you've always felt like home, thanks for everything loser

you decided i wasnt enough for you, my personality wasnt enough to get you to stay. yet months later you text me wanting to hook up. im sorry for not being good enough.

Do you remember when we were little and hid under your bed? Seeing your face again after the 4 years of my absence changed something in me.

the color yellow, the sunshine, and sunflowers, always reminds me of you and how you light up my world

i wish we can just skip being formal with each other. gusto ko na ipakita sayo na i am not as boring as i sound like when we chat. in fact, i like to think that i am an interesting person. also, i am open minded and we can actually talk about a lot of stuff for sure. kaso we're stuck with being ate/kuya with each other. :((

sorry for assuming you feel the same hehe but thank you. it's probably unintentional but you made me feel special and i am where i am now because of that.

Did you ever even like me or was it just because I was the only that paid attention to you at that point.

Oh my GOD CJ it’s really not that FUCKING HARD just FUCKING CHECK UP ON ME ugh it’s exhausting to hear you say you care about me in one context when I’m crying and not even bother to check up on me irl

we had something but we just couldn’t take it further. be kind to yourself. please. we aren’t in each other’s lives. i can’t be there for you anymore. love you forever baby boy.