Unsent messages to ARABELLA

I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. This is no way an excuse but it's an explanation.

I was going through a really bad depressive episode, lockdown hit hard, and I didn't text anyone one to one. But I texted on that GC tons because it was easier, I didn't have to say much. I wanted to text you more, and I should have.

But the truth is I was scared, I was confused. I knew I fell in love with you but I did what I always do, I pushed you away. And I hate myself for it.

I'm glad you are happier, truly. It's just sad that It was letting me go that enabled that.

I wish it was different, I wish I did better.

But I did what I did. I can't change that, im sorry.

I constantly replay that one day we were together, looking back on videos from it. Its one of my happiest memories. Actually all of the times we were together are my happiest. Thank you for making those few months of my life happy.

Every day of lockdown was me wishing I could be back with you, holding you. I just hope you know it was never one sided.

I will always love you.

I wish I were still with you this Christmas. Its true when they say you dont miss it until its gone. I really fucking miss and love you. I wish I knew the true reason you left. I dont think ill ever be able to love another how I love you, Arabella.

I LOVE YOU. AND I DONT THINK I CAN EVER GET OVER YOU. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ARABELLA WHY. I LOVE YOU I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE I NEEED YOU I NEED YOU I NEED YOU IM SORRY, ILL DO BETTER, ILL BE PERFECT, I CAN DO IT

your my best friend and the only person who makes me happy. but I feel you don't see me in the same way anymore. I've always been the one to put in effort and it never bothered me until now because now I'm tired. im at one of my low points in my life again and I need you. pls show me you care because otherwise what else do I have?

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. How DARE you fucking say that to me and my own mother.