I don't know what the future plan for us, but I'm sure that even if we part away you'll always hold special place in my heart. Because of you I was able to change and find peace. Thank you

i am so fucking tired of constantly having to apologise to you. anything we every fall out about is always my fault. you never apologised to me. i hope you know that i fucking despise aiden and i have no idea what you see in him but i hope enjoy having him as you won’t have us anymore. fucking slag

When we r in school I can't tell if u like me or hate me. Everytime I try and get the guts to talk to u you always seem so annoyed.everyone always says your supposed to be rly nice or something. I just can't get the courage to talk to you. I'm sorry

I wish I could tell you how much I genuinely am in love with you without destroying the friendship we built. I wish I knew if you felt the same. But I can’t afford to take the risk and lose one of my closest friends. I love you.

i just don’t feel like i’m enough anymore. It hurts me when you treat your other friends better and you don’t stand up for me when they are talking crap. thank you for everything tho. I love you.

I’m glad you got to move on but damn you left ruins of my heart in your wake and you didn’t even care to say I’m sorry

im glad i met you but im also glad its finally gone away.
sure sucks to lose feelings, but it was always one-sided.

anyway, theres a really nice guy waiting for you, dont shut him out alright?

youll always be my friend, so take care kiddo ily

I wish I could disappear. I’m so sorry I cant help you. I cant even help myself. you deserve an anchor but im afraid i am only anathema. you deserve better. im sorry.

You were my first friend and I loved you deeply since we were children. You broke my heart though. I still want to see you, I hope the world has treated you kindly since we’ve parted ways.

i love you so much but you would never like me. i want to be closer but i know you get annoyed by my text. i want to be with you. ily

I’m sorry . No excuses this time , I don’t deserve to try and lessen my guilt in this . I am sorry for everything , I hope you’re doing better now , I miss you . I miss my bestfriend alice .

I'm sorry I wasn't as brave as you to explain everything and I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to deal with it myself. You deserve the world, keep on doing you.

FUCK YOU! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GET INVOLVED! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THERE TO TAKE THINGS AWAY FROM ME! UR A MESSED UP LITTLE BITCH AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!

you were 18 i was 14. you took advantage of me and for that i will never forgive you. i’ve grown so much. i will never forget you.

its nights like these that i almost find the courage

but rejection wouldnt hurt half as much as losing a friend

so if you do somehow feel the same, im sorry for not saying anything

whenever i find myself alone - which is often - i often find myself thinking of you. you are the steam dancing on my window pane,
but,
it is cold outside and i am tired.
do you ever think of me?
no, probably not, but i wonder - stupid i know - but wander i do; through corridors where you are holding my hand, rooms where we are closer, but its not enough. nothing will ever be enough. not my silly metaphors or prose, neither my pathetic jokes or weak attempts at comfort, because, its still cold outside, and steam is only futile attempts at warmth. maybe some of us were born to suffer so that those that may find happiness may find it with meaning. im okay with that. the sacrifice of the renaissance. the burden of aesthete. i love you alice, but i will never tell you because i am blue and you will always be orange. but thats okay, because every time i now gaze upon autumn, i know that you are there.

I told you to fucking stop and that you were making me uncomfortable but you still kept going. Even if you did that I still don't want to leave you.

we have met before. i'm sure of it. the connection i feel to you is beyond this lifetime. i hope you feel it too.

they told me I have to open my hands if i want to be held, but my fists still remain balled.
instability is sort of cosy you know, an extra duvet to dispel the dark and chase the cold,, i think i love you.

smashing my face against the wall again and i dont want to have to wake up this time. I hate myself and I dont want to ever let go. I can’t even fucking talk about it. the only love i was taught was silent, so i find equanimity in your empty hands that refuse to hold me,,

orbiting empty space.

i hate all that i write,,,. continuity, perpetuity, temporary victory. I fucking hate it I hate It I hate It I hate it
I just want you to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Is that selfish? I don’t care about anything else. I just want you to hold me. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

You deserve everything. I admire you so much for always being strong for all of us - you are a real inspiration. I know it gets heavy sometimes but please know that whenever you need to lean on someone, I've got you covered. Thank you so much for everything. :)

idk if im in love with you or not I just know that I want to kiss you more than anything in the world, I want to be in your arms even just for a second

it’s been years, but i still haven’t gotten over that night. i should have asked you- why did you sleep next to her?

i know we won’t ever talk again. it took me some time to accept it. after everything we’ve been through. i cant make myself hate you, so i wish you the best in life. thank you for everything. always? always. ♾

i don’t know why i’m writing this i don’t know if the one i even read was about me i really don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t think my feelings for you will ever fully leave and i hate it.

if only you knew just how much i have dreamt of curling up with you while you read aloud to me, speaking softly, playing with your hair, holding your hand, all the soft stuff. but i am also terrified of hurting you. please dont stay long enough to let me. because of you i look twice when i cross the road. think twice about throwing myself into oncoming traffic. i think i might love you, but im not yet sure if i want to. If you see this - which you might - no you did not... this is not real... wake up. I love you.

she used casual cruelty to justify our ends. but what of the means, did they not matter too? falling asleep to her favourite songs i dream. she picks the leafs off of my favourite plants, why does she spite me? falling from ceiling tiles and i am afraid. asbestos. why is there lead in these walls? didnt anyone tell you of the dangers of make belief? falling out of touch and i am alone. stars, scars, and the sea. looking at her now and i think i know why, she doesn’t want to change the world, she wants to save it. “may i talk with you?” she didnt want to talk, she was off to look at the world, “but” she said, “you can come and looked at the world with me” and so i did. and i think i found an answer. life is to fall, and perhaps i will always be falling. I wouldn’t mind, if it meant, falling. for. You.

Your my first love. And the person in the world I still love the most. Thank you for lighting my world for the past 7 years, love from your Abi

i had the best time last night just talking for hours and just sitting in the middle of the road staring at the stars. i hope that we can do it more often bc i love you sm

hiya you probably know who this is from but i wanted to lyk you are amazing and i appreciate you so much

i dont know whats scarier to think about
the implications of what i said, your response, or what wouldve happened if you had said you liked me too.

firstly, im sorry, i was in a manic episode and feeling destructive. not to say what i said was without verifiability. because i do really like you, a lot. but, its not constant,, like the steam on my window panes (!) perhaps it was more of an attack on the void, every other thought this week was cowardice. all flesh is grass and i am indeed mowing my lawn. an attack on the transitory (?) no, im giving myself far too much credit. perhaps it was purely destructive,, i really don’t know where it came from but theres no altering the past,
albeit if i could take it back i would.

secondly, im sorry (again) because my message was a bit of a quagmire. whatever way you went would’ve made you sink somewhat,, personally, I think you chose the best option and am pretty content. nothing is lost i hope, but also,, i think,, well i wonder,,, what would you have said if i had said i wanted to date you, if i put all my metaphorical cards on the metaphorical table (?) all or nothing. i think the answer would have been the same probably. perpetual and indifferent (!)

finally, thank you,, your response was coherent and calming. a slight shot to the foot but who needs toes anyways (!) i am a little afraid,, bc it didnt bother me at all. making me feel like maybe ive just been confused this whole time, or maybe i just knew your answer all along,, or maybe im just a sick fuck who can only find joy in their own suffering,,,, and that’s on sadomasochism ! (((not in the sexual way pls pls let’s not misinterpret here))). but anyways,,,,, if you read this please don’t ever tell me,, this is just my lil therapy to order my thoughts a little.

i love you always.

. good evening, good afternoon, and goodnight .

Hello alice I jsut wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you and what you have done to me you've made me a lot happier but I'm sure you dont know that love you

please dont hate me. its pathetic i know. but what else can i do? it took a while to process but now it won’t let me b. i cant stop crying. it’s so fucking pathetic. i just wish i could fucking manage but i cant.











i just wish i hadnt of said a thing.

lol ik you hate me, but I hate u more cuz u gave me an ED and sh problems but I never told anyone cuz I didn’t want people to be mean to you, sad you told everyone all my secrets❤️

i was thinking it over today.

im not saying it’s at all your fault (because it definitely isn’t) but, there were defined moments where you slipped up and led me on.

i won’t patronise you. you knew i liked you and yet you never put your foot on the breaks,, for what?

validation?

idc, it doesn’t matter now. I hope you’ve learnt.

I miss you ever day and i truly hope that we'll meet one day. I cry constantly thinking about my love for you.

not making a big deal promise! but hope this day’s a bit better than the others ?

(idc if its obvious now, come fight me innit)

you know the poppies in flanders field are in decline now? a tragedy really,, sacrifice(?) dignity(?) hate(?) controversy.

I’ve told pretty much everyone about it now and am feeling better. I’ll be completely over by the end of the week i think. i dont know if I will want to stick around though. its complicated but,
i do not crave to write you war and peace; not to say i do not wish i was tolstoy, bc sometimes that is all i aspire.

my name is just all the fitting now i guess. the fox that chose freedom over friendship. forsaking imprisonment for demise. let’s hope i don’t cross all those borders though :)


a final question though,, of the burning buildings, the rubble, and of the dead and the dying. those who remain under the declining poppies with their mouths unhinged and wide, gaping the question.

why(?)

Ummm where to start ,,so happy and joyful but ahaha empty. God damnit u make me sooo happy but u also seem to have the power to make me miss u deeply. Idk if ur heart has ever acked but it hurts so bad. Ur chest tightens and your heart rate start to pick up ,,all u want to do is crawl underneath a blanket and cry till ur chest loosen and that's what I try to do. But then I see the next day and it feels like I don't even have the power to look u in the eyes without crying and asking BEGGING,what do I have to do to be in ur mind on ur mind. When u have to do something for my name to be at least one of the first to come into ur mind,but it's clear I don't even make it into the top 5 ,that's me trying so desperately to be what u wsnt in a best friend. It's probably bad to try and push something like that but u don't even trust me ahaha. I remember meeting u and it was practically instant realisation of damn this person is beautiful inside and out. Ngl crying a little righting this ,,who knows maybe in the new year I will be able to be more honest to u about how much u mean to me,,I wouldn't expect that to change anything but this constant tug of war of damn this person is perfect, to hmm maybe I feel this special connection with this person is actually a warning to stay away. U seem to have made me the happiest and safest person to live,thank you for the gd times but idk there's to many times Ive gotten left out, to not get a little offended. You are truly fantastic ,I've told myself over and over leave her don't talk u will be more happy but one hey hru and I'm caught again. The feeling of being happy,even if it's for a little while it's addicting and it's seems like u r one of the only people can as easy as that make it happen.aha fuck. Basically I have this feeling that I can't name because I don't no what it is , probably love, and Idk how to talk to u. Plz don't forget me I exciset ,, unfortunately if J could cease to do so I would. Therefore no pain for anyone left alive ,sorry got off track there umm we will see what happens in the new year ahaha ahh I hate it ,,love it's so confusing and fucked up and unfair. Have a gd one, and be a little more confident cuse I no how truly brillant u r :):

I’m so sorry that you fell in love with me. I’m sorry i fell into the darkness and neglected you. I ruined your first chance with anyone. And i cant fix that.

break up with your boyfriend. date me instead. tell me how you feel. really. you know i like you. so stop being a pussy and do something about it.

every time i expect you to be like everyone else, to get mad at me for shutting down, to tell me im annoying when i get too excited... you show me otherwise

and every time you prove me wrong I think I fall in love with you even more

hahahaha i read some under ur name and turns out alice's are quite some heartbreakers. i guess that would make sense :) oh well it's not the end of the world. You better find me in our next life and wife me

I love you, I always will. Idk if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you're definitely it. I know that things are complicated rn but I'm willing to wait. And whenever you want to cry to current joys I will always be here for you.

I love you, I always will. Idk if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you're definitely it. I know that things are complicated rn but I'm willing to wait. And whenever you want to cry to current joys I will always be here for you.

this is such bullshit. like i know i did some fucked up things the last couple years but this character development bs needs to stop. im evicting you from my brain, this is your prewarning. get oUt. LEavE. you have a fucking BOYFRIEND. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Why Do I Wanna B yoUr bOyfriEnd aHHHHHHHHHHH. STOP DREAMING ABOUT HOLDING HER hAnD AHHHHH. FucK fUck. why why why. why him over me, is there something wrong with me? no? yes? probably??? if I met you before.,. if I was more aggressive in pursuing you. ugh I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know.

i don't really sleep much now, and lately i've been laying awake staring at the sky, thinking of what it might be like...
didn’t know i was even capable of blushing

so, here’s a few things i needed to say:

i don’t want to get scared and leave, and that freaks me out because i’m an expert at just... running away.

cutting you out really hurt (even if i say i cope better alone) but you shouldn’t have to listen to that stuff. i wait until i’m back to normal so you won’t be sad.

damn this is probably the longest note by far but it’s 4am and i have zero chance of sleeping if i don’t get it out.

i know it’s selfish to ask this but just wait a little while longer.
you’re.. precious, i guess, and i’m trying my best to be careful with you.


ps, you should really see the stupid grin when your name pops up on my phone :)

I want to be yours. I know you know and I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear but please, give me a chance.

I love you, and I am certain that I always will. I don't know if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you are definitely mine. I Want this to last and I know that the timing isnt right but I still find myself wanting you none the less. And if you ever need someone to cry with to current joys then I'm always here for you.

I love you, and I am certain that I always will. I don't know if the whole soulmates thing is real but if it is then you are definitely mine. I Want this to last and I know that the timing isnt right but I still find myself wanting you none the less. And if you ever need someone to cry with to current joys then I'm always here for you.

I love you, and I think I always will. I don’t know if the whole “soulmates” thing is real but if it is the you are definitely mine. I know that the timing isn’t right and things are complicated but i still find myself wanting you none the less. Remember, if you ever need someone to cry to current joys with then I will always be here for you