I honestly don't even know what happened to us, but if you ever figure it out I would really love to know.

I know you don’t care if I cry anymore. Believe me, I’m very aware of how bitter you are even though I’m unsure as to why. I don’t know what I did to deserve that. All I know is... I miss you but I feel so burned at the same time. It’s so hard to remember the love and gentleness and closeness we shared and not start sobbing now. I don’t understand what happened. Makes me feel like a child. Waiting around, not understanding any of it, getting angry and confused... you have no idea how my heart has broken. There’s a me that existed when I was with you, and she’s gone now. Just like you are. I miss her. I miss the warmth she felt. I gave you so much of myself and I feel so empty after all of it now. I’m not sure when it’ll ever feel right. I never want to open myself up again. There’s something that broke in me after everything. I’m running myself ragged to put myself back together. But it’s exhausting. I miss January. I wish we could go back. Just one more time. Things have become so ugly between us... but it was never like that with us. Makes me really sad.

I have been doing really well. Finally finding a routine for my life that makes me happy. After August it took me a while to feel normal again. I’m at a place where I feel normal and better. Slowly but surely I am better and better and more excited about my life than ever. I finished the semester pretty well and I am doing things that make me happy. It’s hard still in some ways, but I’m doing so well now. I’m healing and growing without you. Please if you have any love or respect for me left, leave me be. Small talk conversations that you start only confuse me and remind me of the pain I was in after you left. If you have nothing important to tell me or say, please leave me be. I hate being brought back and reminded of that pain. It’ll always hurt. It’s weird to me when you talk to me again out of the blue as if nothing has happened. I’m tired of running through it all again in my mind and questioning everything over and over. You don’t serve any positive purpose in my life anymore and it breaks my heart but I’d rather leave it there. I feel like I haven’t really known you since August. I’m not sure what else you could want from me. Small talk doesn’t do anything for either of us and it only makes me sad. I can’t just be your friend after everything. We need to grow on our own. I can’t let my emotions be turned upside down whenever you reach out, and that’s what always happens. You’ll never say or do the things I wished you would, and that’s alright, but talking to you will always bring me sadness and disappointment:( I don’t know why you reached out after blocking me on everything, especially just to say hey and not say much at all. I don’t think you think about how that affects me. Maybe you’re so over it and us that it doesn’t cross your mind that it might make me feel weird, and even though I’ve moved on, you just remind me that the first person I really trusted and truly loved didn’t stick around or want to be with me (and I know there were circumstances). You’d know what I was up to in life if you would have stayed. So much has happened since you left that you weren’t there for and that’s completely fine. I just need to continue to move on and not look back, and you’re in my past now. We haven’t talked like normal since before you left, and that’s because things can’t be “normal” again between us after everything. It’s broken. And I’d like to not be reminded of that. I wish you the best, so please let me do my best and if there’s nothing real to say, let’s not say anything. It’s sad to have to mentally let go... again. I thought we were done talking when you blocked me. It’s not that I don’t want you, it’s that I’ll never have you the way I wanted you. I love myself enough now to not let what happened impact my self worth anymore. I know I did my best and would have given you everything. I know now just because you don’t want me, doesn’t mean I’m not wanted or not worthy of being wanted the way that I want to be. Going into the new year, this year is bittersweet because last year I got on a plane to come see you, and December of the year before that you told me you wanted us to meet. This year I have my own plans. It’s sad to think of a year without you, and the years to come without you, but I need to love myself and letting you go is what I think is necessary for me to keep getting better. I wish you luck in the new year. Goodbye Taber.

I feel sick sometimes because I used to think we were each other’s people. I forgive you, and if I’ve hurt you too I hope you forgive me too. It’s been a lot for me to deal with and I know I haven’t been the best since the break up either and maybe I confuse you like you confuse me. I know you’re a good person even if I’m not your person or if you’re not mine. I just need peace and I hope that doesn’t make you angry.

I still cry when I remember last January and how safe I felt sleeping in your arms. I went almost a month without thinking of that... fuck it makes my chest ache.

Thank you for blocking me. I was too scared to do it but I’m glad you beat me to it. I need to really get over you and I am thankful you blocked me so that I can. That may not have been your thinking, I’m sure it wasn’t, but thank you. I know you’re having a rough time. It will get better. I have the urge to wanna be there for you. But I know I shouldn’t reach out. It’ll get better. It sucks I won’t be there to see it, I’m sad every day and have panic attacks a lot too. I loved you so much. As angry and sad as I let myself get over everything I want you to be happy and you will be happy one day. Hang in there❤️. You broke my heart but I didn’t know yours was broken when you left, you didn’t really tell me how bad you felt. I just want you to know it will be okay and next year will be better. You’re a really great person. I’ll always miss you and be sad about not having you in my life anymore. I’m sorry for not getting over things like I should have. I just really loved you Taber and I’ll grieve our love for a really long time.

I’m finally at peace knowing I can’t view your profiles and won’t check anymore. The checking only brought me sadness. Thank you. I was too scared to be the one to block. Thank you.

I don’t know if you wrote the maroon message about wanting me to reach out. I don’t want to be the one to reach out if so because I have no way of knowing. I don’t like feeling like this is the way to communicate. This is my last message to you on here.

Sorry