Unsent Messages

I have been doing really well. Finally finding a routine for my life that makes me happy. After August it took me a while to feel normal again. I’m at a place where I feel normal and better. Slowly but surely I am better and better and more excited about my life than ever. I finished the semester pretty well and I am doing things that make me happy. It’s hard still in some ways, but I’m doing so well now. I’m healing and growing without you. Please if you have any love or respect for me left, leave me be. Small talk conversations that you start only confuse me and remind me of the pain I was in after you left. If you have nothing important to tell me or say, please leave me be. I hate being brought back and reminded of that pain. It’ll always hurt. It’s weird to me when you talk to me again out of the blue as if nothing has happened. I’m tired of running through it all again in my mind and questioning everything over and over. You don’t serve any positive purpose in my life anymore and it breaks my heart but I’d rather leave it there. I feel like I haven’t really known you since August. I’m not sure what else you could want from me. Small talk doesn’t do anything for either of us and it only makes me sad. I can’t just be your friend after everything. We need to grow on our own. I can’t let my emotions be turned upside down whenever you reach out, and that’s what always happens. You’ll never say or do the things I wished you would, and that’s alright, but talking to you will always bring me sadness and disappointment:( I don’t know why you reached out after blocking me on everything, especially just to say hey and not say much at all. I don’t think you think about how that affects me. Maybe you’re so over it and us that it doesn’t cross your mind that it might make me feel weird, and even though I’ve moved on, you just remind me that the first person I really trusted and truly loved didn’t stick around or want to be with me (and I know there were circumstances). You’d know what I was up to in life if you would have stayed. So much has happened since you left that you weren’t there for and that’s completely fine. I just need to continue to move on and not look back, and you’re in my past now. We haven’t talked like normal since before you left, and that’s because things can’t be “normal” again between us after everything. It’s broken. And I’d like to not be reminded of that. I wish you the best, so please let me do my best and if there’s nothing real to say, let’s not say anything. It’s sad to have to mentally let go... again. I thought we were done talking when you blocked me. It’s not that I don’t want you, it’s that I’ll never have you the way I wanted you. I love myself enough now to not let what happened impact my self worth anymore. I know I did my best and would have given you everything. I know now just because you don’t want me, doesn’t mean I’m not wanted or not worthy of being wanted the way that I want to be. Going into the new year, this year is bittersweet because last year I got on a plane to come see you, and December of the year before that you told me you wanted us to meet. This year I have my own plans. It’s sad to think of a year without you, and the years to come without you, but I need to love myself and letting you go is what I think is necessary for me to keep getting better. I wish you luck in the new year. Goodbye Taber.