Unsent messages to LYDIA

fuck you.
i hate you.
youre good for nothing.
idk how you havent given up yet.
youre not good enough for him.
fuck off. nobody needs you.
sincerely, you.

i don't want anyone else, i only want you and i'll wait for as long as it takes. i care for you still and i will, forever.

this color isn’t right because you were gold. i wish i could pick gold. the color of fall sunlight through a car window when you compliment my eyes. i miss you.

we've always been friends but not the closest but recently youve really been there for me. youre one of the sweetest but also most asshole people i met and that why i love you. youre such an amazing person and im lucky to have you around.

i have to fucking rewrite this an omfg okay do if youre lying to me and you did wrote those messages then read this and if you didnt write them then you can still read this but it might hurt.

I'm sorry that i can't give you what you want but can we please just stay friends? I think we were meant to meet each other but not to be more than friends. I'm sorry for only giving 5 percent when you gave me 500. and I'm sorry for basking in the attention you gave me. it was just so foreign to me. i can't do the reading between the lines. if you're as mad as you seemed in those letters then im sorry, i'm sorry i didn't realize how bad i was hurting you before i did damage. I'm sorry if i talked about eva too much but i just miss her and i can't have her back because i ruined that relationship. I'm a ruiner. and I know that sounds cheesy and I don't wanna be cheesy on the main but it's true. Whenever I have anything good, I mess it up. and i'm sorry i ruined this and i'm sorry that you're mad at me. Thank you for listening to me when I only talked about myself. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you better advice or offer more sympathy when you were going through things, and I'm really sorry if I made things worse for you. I wasn't trying. I just didnt wanna have to deal with the fact that I couldn't give you my all so I pushed it away or instigated it to the point where I had to back out. You can talk to other girls if you want an idgaf. if it hurts too much then you can leave if it makes you happy. i'm proud of you for being sober for so long. I know you worked hard for that. I'm sorry for hurting you

you really fucked me over, i still think about you and i think i want to be your friend again because you bring me some comforted feelings. Its all bs anyway bc ur a shitty person idk i feel so shit when i see pictures of u. idk how i feel about u but its hard to let you go even tho u have probably forgotten me. you did effect me although you came into my life for a reason bc now i know i like girls. fuck you.

I fucking love you. I never will stop. Even though you only think of me as a friend, I will always be ready to be more.

I regret telling you a lot of things because now i can't back out. Because now i'm too deep and you know too much. And i know i can't leave as much as you knowing so much about me makes me want to. I appreciate how much you care but i just want to to be honest with me because sometimes it feels like you're being too nice or you wanna say things but you hold back. i'm just scared

lydia...my best friend
you r the most beautiful person i ever laid my eyes on. thank you for everything. i love you

heyy girrll we seee each otherrr we relate and be mind reading telepathically like no other like it’s spooky sometimes lowkey but anyways i’ll always admire your confidence and work ethic like idk how you do it sometimes also you’re such a strong person and idk if you always realize that but you are and never forget that you can accomplish ANYTHING☺️

We should go to Europe and see the royal philharmonic orchestra and walk around in the city and slowdance in our hotel room. I just wanna run away from here where i can be with you without worrying about what my parent think. Its nice to feel compassion and feel cared about because all my life people have told me they loved me or cared about me buy no one has ever cared about me the way you do. I wish i had the capacity to care about you the way you care about me but im trying for you, i really am. And im trying to open up for you but its hard. I do care about you. I know you probably dont like the royal philharmonic orchestra as much as i do but i appreciate that you're listening to it with me right now(instead of chris udalla's stream). I just wanna kiss you and braid your hair and slowdance with you to the philharmonic. whats our song? we need to figure out what our song is. I just wanna give you so much love because you deserve it. You deserve compassion, and im trying to give you that. Im sorry if i ever seem like im leading you on, its just hard for me to stay with someone when they know so much about me, i hope you understand that.
Goodnight d(i feel like that could be my nickname for you)

idk why i miss u so much when u were so toxic and we clearly weren't healthy for each other at the time but i miss u, i do and i hope one day when we're ready we can try again, ily

I said I would leave you alone but I just can't I need you I hope you had a great birthday I have a gift for you which I have had since August

I'm so very lucky to have you in my life bambi, and so very proud how far you've come, love you bub xx

I couldn't find a way to reach out for you but wonder how ur doing. hope ur mentally and physically fine:)

How could you do that to me? TWO times? you meant everything to me, you really did. you say you love me but you don't do that to people you love, i hope you get what you want with him, as you've lost something so much more valuable. a friend who would have done anything for you and honestly still will.

Gosh I think about you all the time and how I see a future w u, but why rush something you want to last

thank you for always supporting me, im forever grateful to have you and i hope we stay friends for a long time

I wish I had told you that I loved you when I still had the chance to. I'm glad that you're happy now

ur still the first person i wanna text in the morning but i know i'm not allowed to do that anymore & it breaks my heart

Your an amazing person & you deserve the very best, you are kind, sweet, loving, loyal & your smile is infectious