It’s crazy how much of a hold you had on me. There are days I wish you’ll be there when I turn around. But I also am scared at you, mad at you, and I will never. ever. Let someone have that much of a hold on me again. I’m finally moving on

Idk how but you did it. You broke me. I’m so depressed and unmotivated to do anything in my life yet whenever something happens in my life the first thing I wanna do is tell you. I’m so fucked in the head and traumatized from that night.

Ik you’ll never see these but I’ve convinced myself you don’t love me and you never did. It’s what everyone in my life thought/told me and I reallyyyyy shoulda listened to them from the beginning. That’s the only way I can truly move on is by believing that. But it’s definitely true, you treated me like shit and a person that loves me would never even think about doing any of the stuff you did to me. You highkey broke me lol all I wanna do is sleep or disappear but I have no where to go. Getting high numbs the pain and the trauma Ig but somethings off. I go on drives legit all the time sometimes till 2 am by myself around route 9. Sometimes I cry sometimes I don’t but I just wanna go somewhere and disappear deadass but I’m stuck in my everyday life going through the motions and driving and passing by the same shit that now haunts me from that night. Lmao this is so long I’m so high

Also fuck you. This is all on you and I hope you know that. I hope you realize that you lost a person that wanted to and would’ve gave you the world even though you didn’t deserve it all. Whenever you got the chance, you didn’t choose us. Even when you had me, you did everything in your power to lose me. It’s kinda poetic, when you left the pictures of me in your old car never for them to be seen again, it def was a sign you lost me cause in that exact same moment you let another girl get in between us like you always did. One day I’ll find the love of my life. You’re definitely the one I’ll tell my kids about if I make it to that but I really hope I find the love of my life that would do anything for me like I would’ve done for you. I know for damn sure I’m never going to let anyone treat me like you treated me ever again lol

Oooo but lemme get one thing clear the day you treated me like your second best option was the day you lost me because there was no competition. Shouldn’t have even been a choice. But I’m so happy I left and made it easier for you to decide :) I’m deadass typing to thin air but fuck you. Were we not experiencing the same stuff? The love was fucking unreal it was magical and you actually don’t give a shit you threw it all away. That’s crazy and somehow I became your collateral. I was the one that got broken when I was trying to save you. How tf do you love someone but then traumatize them to the point where they don’t even recognize themselves. I don’t know myself anymore. Idk what’s wrong w me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and the saddest at the same time. Bruh my mom thinks I’m going to kill myself haha like I’m depressed and idk what’s wrong w me but I’m not gonna kill myself. And I can tell my friends know deep down I’m fucked in the head after everything and Ik they see im broken but I also know they don’t know what to do and are just trying to be there for me as much as they can. Why didn’t I just listen to them in the beginning. Life isn’t a fucking fairytale but something about us was soooo perfect and so magical like one that I thought it would work out in the end. I was dead set on a future, that’s fucking crazy. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person again, this sounds so dramatic but something actually died in me

What fucking sucks is I’ll always love you. You’ll always be my love but at the same time I have so many conflicting feelings towards you and I’m trying to force myself out of love with you. I hate you and I’m scared of you. Idk If I turned around and you were there if I would run and hug you or be so scared that my fight or flight would kick in and I would try to
run away fast.