i knew i wanted to hold you forever when you cried that day after i told you i was leaving, i really only was a fool for you

you said ‘toxic’. i only ever tried to be ‘perfect’. i miss you too, but i cared for you like crazy, and i only wanted you to be happy. too much happened. what you did, i can’t forgive that, i have tried. maybe one day we’ll find each other again, as much as i want to be friends now. take care ‘my love’.

hi. it’s me again. i don’t know why i’m back. i’m not sure if i’m talking to you now or my old self. i found out today i have trigeminal neuralgia. i’ve had really bad pain for the last few months. perhaps i deserve this. i keep thinking however what i could’ve done to deserve it. i keep going over every single thing i’ve felt horrible about, over and over. i hate it. i’m torturing myself and i have no idea how to stop it. perhaps i miss my old self actually. there’s comfort even tin the things that destroy us. i miss the cold train that i used to take so early in the morning, seeing you and our friends in college. it was so simple back then. it’s so stupid, all i wanted was to be wanted. i was never a choice, or a second choice. i was always left behind for something else, someone better. i suppose it’s why i try to be a perfect now. i’m so tired. my days are more blue than orange now too. i finally decided to throw your castle today, i felt a little proud of myself i guess. truth is, even though i knew you were toxic, all i want is to be in your arms, the comfort of the old moments, that nostalgia, it’s nice. i’m sorry too, if i ever did something that hurt you, i’m not perfect, i never was. this letter may be stupid but, when you’re in pain all the time, you realise what you really want. what i really want is to go somewhere in the mountains and to open a bakery:) a cottage in a little forest. it’s always been my dream. until the next time...

btw, i wasn’t ‘toxic’ you moron, i was broken, i told you 1% of my life, you don’t even know the rest, what i’ve been through and you just stopped talking to me, left me because you thought i was ‘toxic’... i would’ve never have left you ever if you were hurt because i cared for you. obviously you didn’t feel any anything for me, you didn’t care for me, you wouldn’t have done what you did if you cared. i’m so disappointed in you. you’re the kind of person that walks out when things get hard, you were entering a bad depressive episode??? well then you should’ve talked to me and not decide to just leave people that’s not what you should do! i will never forgive you, you’re just one of the many in a pile of people that have done some kinda crap to me. but out of all, i expected more from you. you weren’t worth it... you thought the same about me apparently when you just stopped talking to me...goodbye

Even tho we aren’t speaking right now i will always have a place in my heart for you. I miss you. ????

I love you so much