Unsent Messages

hi. it’s me again. i don’t know why i’m back. i’m not sure if i’m talking to you now or my old self. i found out today i have trigeminal neuralgia. i’ve had really bad pain for the last few months. perhaps i deserve this. i keep thinking however what i could’ve done to deserve it. i keep going over every single thing i’ve felt horrible about, over and over. i hate it. i’m torturing myself and i have no idea how to stop it. perhaps i miss my old self actually. there’s comfort even tin the things that destroy us. i miss the cold train that i used to take so early in the morning, seeing you and our friends in college. it was so simple back then. it’s so stupid, all i wanted was to be wanted. i was never a choice, or a second choice. i was always left behind for something else, someone better. i suppose it’s why i try to be a perfect now. i’m so tired. my days are more blue than orange now too. i finally decided to throw your castle today, i felt a little proud of myself i guess. truth is, even though i knew you were toxic, all i want is to be in your arms, the comfort of the old moments, that nostalgia, it’s nice. i’m sorry too, if i ever did something that hurt you, i’m not perfect, i never was. this letter may be stupid but, when you’re in pain all the time, you realise what you really want. what i really want is to go somewhere in the mountains and to open a bakery:) a cottage in a little forest. it’s always been my dream. until the next time...