Unsent Messages

I can't believe I'm doing this. To think of you the way I do now, compared to two or even one year ago, is mindblowing. I'm not sure what exactly my feelings mean, but they mean something to me. I think you're aware of how I feel but obviously, nothing is acted upon. Nothing can be acted upon. It just can't. I'm leaving you in a year. I don't even want to imagine that day. The day where I say goodbye for either a few months or a few years, even decades. The pain that is going to be within me is indescribable. I really wish I didn't think this way about you. I wish. I remember after a long day, I came home, still in my clothes, laid on my bed and just cried. For 15 minutes straight, wondering why me? Why do I have to feel like this towards you? Why not someone else? Why can't I be normal? These feelings make it somewhat impossible to move on. I cannot recall a single person I have felt this way towards them in months. Months. I try, and I try hard too, but I always go back to you. No matter what. I have not told a single soul of how I feel about you. Not even those closest to me. I simply cannot tell anyone. I cannot deal with the judgements associated with their reactions. My feelings are unclear and they will stay like that until I am over you. I do not see that time coming for a while. I love you.