Unsent Messages

hey, Micheal, let me start off by saying I HATE YOU but i hate myself even more because even after everything you've done to me and everything you've put me through i still love you. You've put me through so much shit i forgot how to truly love. i forgot what it feels like to be cared for. what it feels like to truly be loved. my heart sinks each time i see you smiling but smiling without me. but im happy that you're happy. I just want to know... why? why wasn't i good enough, was it something i said what i didn't say? what i did or what i didn't do? i gave my time to you. I gave you all the attention I tried to put in as much effort as you put so it was 50/50 but it seemed like it was 60/40. you truly ruined me. you broke me down so far i hate myself to the core. anything that i have done in these past 5 years it always ended up needing to please you. I try day after day to let you go but i simply can't and i have no fucking clue as to why i feel this way and you cant. i don't want to give up on you because i still have this sliver of hope that one day eventually you'll come back to me. you fucked up my trust to badly i feel like everyone is trying to play me or hurt me or use me. while you're going on and being happy I'm miserable and breaking down all the time because you completely changed the way i live my life. the way i think. the way i love. know what no i can't even love. i have this amazing guy in front of me and i can't move on with him if i haven't moved on from you. I HATE MYSELF every day for letting you sliver your way back into my heart every time. why do you keep coming back and hurting me? what are you going from my pain? from my heartbreaking each time you leave? you were everything to me you were the most important person in my life and you broke my heart. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN WHY?!! what did i do? why did you pick me to do this too? nothing hurts more than me trying my absolute fucking best to give you what you needed and it ended up being not good enough. I hope one day you will realize that i truly cared for you and when no one else would listen to bull shit i was right there time after time after time after time. breakup after breakup after breakup. im not going to wait forever i cant do that. i simply. can. not. so fuck you. fuck every lie you tried to feed to me because i can't handle it anymore. you. ruined. me. you tore me down piece by piece. I told you about my dreams. My hopes for the future. you knew what i wanted you knew i wanted something serious but you were just too immature for that. wanted to take in all the attention you were getting from all these girls but for some reason, you decided to keep me on your shoulder and fling me off every time a shiny new toy comes walking by and then picked me back up the moment you weren't interested. not this time nope i will not let that happen. you are an evil spawn BECAUSE FUCK YOU I WAS MORE THEN GOOD ENOUGH AND YOU RUINED ME!!